Blighter Jokes

[Blighter]

As they are called on another forum...

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from.

Then it dawned on me.
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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
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Man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian replies, "F*** off, you won't bring it back!".
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Feel free to suggest some and I will update this post with them :evil:

[Belmit]

Are these a bit like the Tim Vine one-liners?

'I went to the library and a man there chopped off the bottom of one of my trouser legs and put it on a shelf. I said "That's a turn-up for the books".'

[Blighter]

Are these a bit like the Tim Vine one-liners?

'I went to the library and a man there chopped off the bottom of one of my trouser legs and put it on a shelf. I said "That's a turn-up for the books".'

That reminds me of yesterday at work when my mate was dressing one of the mannequins and had only done the trousers + shoes... I said "That looks like a job half done" :confused: ;D

[Belmit]

Haha!

I was in a Chinese restaurant when a duck came up to me with a rose and said: 'Your eyes sparkle like the stars'. So I said to the waiter: 'Excuse me, I ordered aromatic duck.

[Blighter]

Two crisps walking down the road.. a car pulls up beside them and the driver says:
"Excuse me, do you two want a lift?"

The crisps reply, "No thanks, we're Walkers" :D

[Blighter]

Why was the washing machine laughing?

Because it was taking the p*** out of the pants ;D

[Wryel]

Coventry anyone?

[Blighter]

Coventry anyone?

:'(

[Blighter]

One tectonic plate bumped into another and said.....

"Sorry, my fault."

[Briggykins]

Bravo :)

[Zico]

Disclaimer 1: I don't know what the subject was when this cropped up on my Friday night work piss up/Thai meal was but I thought it was good.
Disclaimer 2: It's never too early for a Christmas joke.

On Christmas morning Mr Claus kicked off his shoes and opened a beer when he said "ahh it's good to unload!” Mrs Claus turned to her husband and asked "each year you sit down and say that, what exactly do you mean?" to which Mr Claus replied "well love when you get a swollen sack every year then you'll know what I mean!”

[Feek]

I have to say that those are better than the usual stuff we get on here, I nearly chuckled at a couple of them ;)

[Fayshun]

I have to say that those are better than the usual stuff we get on here,

Now, that's not difficult is it?

[Von Smallhausen]

A lad brings his girlfriend home for the first time.

He tells her that she shouldn't get flustered at what she sees and goes on to explain that they are both deaf and dumb and cannot speak.

' OK ' says the girl. She goes into his house and is horrified at what she sees after being introduced.

The mother is sitting in a chair with a bottle of Stella up her vag and the father is sitting in another chair with his testicles hanging out and has two matchsticks keeping each eye open.

' What the hell is this ? ' asks the girl.

' Don't worry. ' the lad says. ' They are just using sign language.

' What are they saying then ? asks the girl.

' Well, ' says the lad, ' my mother is saying get the beers in you tw@ and my dad is saying bollocks, I'm watching the match. '

[cheets]

BAN

[Fayshun]

BAN

+ 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000

[Psymonkee]

Ok my turn:

Two friends are driving through the desert when their truck breaks down and they are forced to walk. In the blistering heat it is not long before they are desperate for water. Up ahead they see what appears to be a small market. On getting closer they find there are just 3 stalls with people standing behind them. Sweating profusely one of the friends ask the man at the first booth:

'Do you have any water?'

'No the man replies but I do have custard and swiss roll'

Meanwhile at the second stall his friend is encountering similar problems:

'Do you have any water?'

'No but I do have plenty of fruit and cream'

Frustrated both friends approach the final booth together and ask again:

'Do you have any water?'

'I'm sorry but I have nothing but a big bowl of hundreds and thousands. There is a market further down the road with water'

Thanking him profusely the friends set off in the direction indicated when one turns to the other and says:




(wait for it...)









(i'll call my own taxi....)










'That was a trifle bazaar!'

[_dogma_]

I liked the last one!

Every time we have trifle Iain always say's "I'm a trifle hungry". Has be in stitches every time! :o

Apologies,

3 sisters, Ann, Jan and Fanny all have very big feet. Ann has size 8, Jan size 9, Fanny size 10.
Ann and Jan go on a double date. 1 of the boys says "Man, you both have massive feet"
Ann replies "you should see our Fanny's, they're huge!!"

A couple driving home in the rain run over a badger. They get out and find it's still breathing but it's freezing cold.
The husband says "Put it between your legs to keep it warm". Wife says "but it's wet and stinky!". Husband says "well hold the badger's nose then!"

Last one I promise!!

Paddy goes into Superdrug and asks "Have you got KY Jelly?"
The assistant says "No, have you tried boots?"
Paddy replies "I want to slide in no ****in march in!!"

:D

[Desmo]

'That was a trifle bazaar!'
That got a laugh from me ::/:

[Blighter]

The Grand Canyon was started by a Bigstan a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch.

[Fayshun]

Me and Bigstan Two Scotsmen invented copper wire fighting over a 2p.

[Blighter]

Me and Bigstan Two Scotsmen invented copper wire fighting over a 2p.

;D;D;D

[Fayshun]

An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says "It's a pussy willow."

Old man says "Wait up ... I'll get my hat."

[Blighter]

:D