View Full Version : Boat Drinks Top Tips
When someone is trying to tell you something in a nightclub, stick your finger in the ear they are yelling into and you'll be able to hear them perfectly.
It's true.
Take it away Boat Drinks, your top tip of the day is...?
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 14:54
Don't tie your shoe laces in a revolving door.
If you find yourself choking on an ice-cube, simply pour a kettle of boiling water down your throat to swiftly disperse the blockage.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Psymonkee
05-08-2009, 15:23
Never challenge Royal Marines to a drinking competition.
Knipples
05-08-2009, 15:25
Dont eat yellow snow.
Gamblers - For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
To clean your microwave, add tepid water and lemon juice in a bowl and microwave until steaming. Leave to cool and wipe clean. Repeat steaming for stubborn stains.
Knipples
05-08-2009, 15:32
To remove red wine from a carpet, throw white wine on it.
I'm not quite sure how many of these I should take seriously. ;D ;D :p
To remove white wine from a carpet, throw rosé on it.
Kell_ee001
05-08-2009, 15:39
Use baby wipes to remove stickie labels - especially good on stickers found on the bottom of new shoes :)
Knipples
05-08-2009, 15:45
If you have a CD which is skipping, get some toothpaste, rub it in all over the side of the CD you play, and then wipe it off.
When someone is trying to tell you something in a nightclub, stick your finger in the ear they are yelling into and you'll be able to hear them perfectly.
It's true.
Take it away Boat Drinks, your top tip of the day is...?
I said this!
Streeteh
05-08-2009, 15:49
Never EVER stare a wombat in the eye.
When someone is trying to tell you something in a nightclub, stick your finger in the ear they are yelling into and you'll be able to hear them perfectly.
It's true.
Take it away Boat Drinks, your top tip of the day is...?
I said this!
You acknowledged I said this. Outrage cancelled. Carry on.
Von Smallhausen
05-08-2009, 16:04
Celery with a bit of jam on makes an ideal subtitute for rhubarb.
Von Smallhausen
05-08-2009, 16:15
Create that ' just been to the swimming pool ' feel by wiping youself all over with bleach, rubbing chilli sauce in your eyes and stuffing blu-tac in your ears.
Always put your beer on a flat surface.
Oh... and always make sure that the lamp is between you and the window (not behind you) when masturbating with the curtains closed. ;)
Kell_ee001
05-08-2009, 16:17
Oh... and always make sure that the lamp is between you and the window (not behind you) when masturbating with the curtains closed. ;)
;D
Never trust a dog to look after your dinner.
To cool down in the summer, splash cold water over your arms and chest if possible. Don't dry yourself, leave it to evaporate. It boosts the effect done by sweating by transferring heat into the water and letting it escape into the air.
Knipples
05-08-2009, 16:41
If you want to stop a pan of boiling water bubbling out over the top of the pan, lie a wooden spoon across the top of the pan, and it stops it.
SidewinderINC
05-08-2009, 17:32
If you want to stop a pan of boiling water bubbling out over the top of the pan, lie a wooden spoon across the top of the pan, and it stops it.
Also a splash of oil in the water helps :)
Turning the heat down is a genius and seldom heard of trick ;)
Turning the heat down is a genius and seldom heard of trick ;)
;D
You're on form today miss Pebs! :cool:
Too much sun. I'll be boring again tomorrow.
If a man knocks on your door and asks to see your t*ts DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR T*TS - he is a con artist and only wants to see your t*ts.
Oh... and always make sure that the lamp is between you and the window (not behind you) when masturbating with the curtains closed. ;)
To help liven up an otherwise dull neighbourhood, do the opposite of this :)
Kell_ee001
05-08-2009, 18:25
If a man knocks on your door and asks to see your t*ts DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR T*TS - he is a con artist and only wants to see your t*ts.
Are you sure? :confused:
Fancy a sky dive but are strapped for cash?
Simply place your face close to the monitor whilst 'zooming in' on Google Earth*.
*strategically place a desk fan for added effect*
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 18:48
Always & I mean Always go down on a woman Before penetration.
Don't ever stop talking to your woman, If She can't talk to you she will talk to somebody else.
Always & I mean Always Start any sentence/Intro/conversation with a woman with "Blimey !!! Have you lost weight" :shocked:
Never admit Anything if She has a knife in her hand.
Never Sleep with a woman After you have fessed up to multiple affairs/wrong doings. Do so & kiss your Penis Good bye.
Never piss into the wind.
When fighting always keep hitting/stabbing/kicking/biting until you get pulled off as you may not get another oppurtunity to inflict damage to said person.
Basically Hurt them like they've never been hurt before or after & make sure you Enjoy it, Laughing Hysterically whilst you thrash said victim helps enormously with the overall effect.
Kell_ee001
05-08-2009, 18:50
Don't ever stop talking to your woman, If She can't talk to you she will talk to somebody else.
Surprised you came out with this one JSB :p Very good advice :D
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 18:52
Surprised you came out with this one JSB :p Very good advice :D
Hey Kell.
Was just browsing the wedding pics, Have you lost weight Love. :evil:
Kell_ee001
05-08-2009, 18:53
;D ;D ;D
SidewinderINC
05-08-2009, 18:53
Always & I mean Always go down on a woman Before penetration.
Wish she would bloody let me!
Knipples
05-08-2009, 18:54
Wish she would bloody let me!
Is she insane?!?!? :shocked:
SidewinderINC
05-08-2009, 18:56
Is she insane?!?!? :shocked:
I think she quite possibly is, but she more than makes up for it :evil::cool::lipsrsealed:
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 18:58
Wish she would bloody let me!
I have heard of this before. :(
Sounds like she needs a proffessional Muff diver like myself to pay a visit, Poor girl. :(
SidewinderINC
05-08-2009, 18:59
I have heard of this before. :(
Sounds like she needs a proffesional Muff diver like myself to pay a visit, Poor girl. :(
LOL, you make out like it's my fault! I've never been allowed :(
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 19:00
It's not your Fault mate, well at least I hope it isn't. Something has put her off though, Prob a previous Idiot boyf with innapropriate comments.
Edit.
How the Hell did we get on this topic. ;D
Flibster
05-08-2009, 19:21
Always let your drunk lesbian neighbour girls come round to play Wii fit. ;)
Pumpkinstew
05-08-2009, 20:21
Those yellow things that sometimes get put in urinals, well, they only look like ice pops when they actually aren't.
SidewinderINC
05-08-2009, 20:31
Never accidentally pull the "disabled emergency cord" thinking that it's the lightswitch, and then when the light doesn't turn on, don't keep pulling it.
When in a hotel room in a compromising situation, always use the security chain. You never know when housekeeping are going to turn up.
Justsomebloke
05-08-2009, 22:18
When a woman says No she means No.
When a woman says Ok she means No.
When a women says Yes she means Only when I am ****** ready !!!
When arriving at a hotel, hang your shirts up in the bathroom and crank the shower up to max heat. Leave for a bit, then let the bathroom air. Your shirts will (hopefully) no longer have terrible creases.
Always make sure everything is away before zipping up, gents.
Oh, and don't pick up the soap. :D
Or, as an alternative, roll the clothes up instead of folding them. There's less chance of them ending up a mangled mess in the suitcase that way.
To remove red wine from a carpet, throw white wine on it.
To remove white wine from a carpet, throw rosé on it.
You guys both forgot the "and then suck the said spot until clean!" :D
Waste not want not! :D
Oh... and always make sure that the lamp is between you and the window (not behind you) when masturbating with the curtains closed. ;)
Do you know my neighbour over the road?! ;D
A seriousish one from me - if you're ever feeling pants take some time in the evening or late at night to just go look at the stars by yourself. Nice, slow and deep breaths and look at them stars and remember in your mind you're an absolute miracle to be who and where you are right now, with the ability to think and reason and well. Yeh. You only live once and you're living it right now and nothing else matters. You're lucky and amazing and albeit you could view yourself as potentially an insignificant blimp in the whole universe when looking at such a vast sky, you're unique. There's nothing out there like you... which makes you just as special, if not more special than the awesome sight before you :)
It's brilliant :)
A seriousish one from me - if you're ever feeling pants take some time in the evening or late at night to just go look at the stars by yourself. Nice, slow and deep breaths and look at them stars and remember in your mind you're an absolute miracle to be who and where you are right now, with the ability to think and reason and well. Yeh. You only live once and you're living it right now and nothing else matters. You're lucky and amazing and albeit you could view yourself as potentially an insignificant blimp in the whole universe when looking at such a vast sky, you're unique. There's nothing out there like you... which makes you just as special, if not more special than the awesome sight before you :)
It's brilliant :)
That depresses the heck out of me, is makes me feel smaller than a fruit flies wang,
Stan_Lite
06-08-2009, 04:41
If you've been chopping chillis, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly before masturbating - a rinse under the tap is not enough - trust me :(
A seriousish one from me - if you're ever feeling pants take some time in the evening or late at night to just go look at the stars by yourself. Nice, slow and deep breaths and look at them stars and remember in your mind you're an absolute miracle to be who and where you are right now, with the ability to think and reason and well. Yeh. You only live once and you're living it right now and nothing else matters. You're lucky and amazing and albeit you could view yourself as potentially an insignificant blimp in the whole universe when looking at such a vast sky, you're unique. There's nothing out there like you... which makes you just as special, if not more special than the awesome sight before you :)
It's brilliant :)
I always remember Alan Coren on Call My Bluff, after Sandi Toksvig had gone through this whole spiel about looking at the stars and feeling insignificant... he just said 'Oddly enough, when I look up at the stars and see them there, I think how insignificant they are.' :D
Briggykins
06-08-2009, 09:22
I like Emerson on stars: 'If the stars should appear but one night every thousand years how man would marvel and stare'.
Then again, I live in England. So seeing the stars once every thousand years isn't bad going.
To remove white wine from a carpet, throw rosé on it.
Never tried Rose. I've always assumed Clare does a better job.
Wear sun cream!
Sun cream??!! What ever for! :shocked:
I said this!
Told you I smelled a new thread brewing ;D
Sun cream??!! What ever for! :shocked:
I may have burned a little whilst fishing and then gutting/filleting the catch yesterday :o
Justsomebloke
06-08-2009, 17:05
When eyeing up the women in the street Always start with the ankles & work your way up. ;)
1. You will look better as you look up & approach or pass her rather than looking down.
2. You can tell a Lot about a woman from her Ankles, There's no Lycra infested tights/girdle that covers those bits yet. :p
Is she insane?!?!? :shocked:
Of course. She's a she!
When your hot Irish lady neighbour is standing in her dressing gown having a smoke outside in the morning, try to keep eye contact while chatting to her. This is a lot harder than it sounds.
After hearing your other neighbours argue for 2 night in a row (after 11.30 at night) about how he thinks she might be cheating on him, don't, when you pop round to collect a parcel she signed for you, offer to give her a good seeing to. I did think about saying this, then realised that her husband is not exactly a small bloke.
I love my new area :D
When doing road side assistance for a living and you get a call to help out a young lass, admire the badging on her car rather than her arse when she reaches into the boot to get the spare tyre.
Or when you go to a remote house in the foothills to do a jumpstart, make sure you are fully concentrating on the cables, not the barely covered woman bits on the late-30's cougar that's trying to see what you're doing, and in the process rubbing said woman bits against you.
It's also better to try and explain to your dispatcher that there's no way in hell you're venturing into THAT woman's garage than to try and explain to your wife what could possibly have happened when THAT woman quite openly says, "Oh, they sent a good looking one this time!!" whilst dropping the bath gown to the floor...
To remove red wine from a carpet, throw white wine on it.
When you've spilt red wine on the carpet drink white to over come the shock and then place rug over stain!!! :D
SidewinderINC
07-08-2009, 17:20
When you've spilt red wine on the carpet drink white to over come the shock and then place rug over stain!!! :D
Or pull the sofa forwards 2ft :p
Took my mum a week to notice :D:D:D
Dymetrie
07-08-2009, 17:38
A cigar tube full of angry bees makes an excellent vibrator.
Dymetrie
07-08-2009, 17:43
If you need time off from work for an interview, tell your boss you have to appear in court.
This also explains why you are more smartly dressed as well.
Dymetrie
07-08-2009, 17:44
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books.
Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
But what if you later get to know them? What then? :p
Get another telephone directory. There's bound to be plenty of them about. :p
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