Kitten
30-10-2009, 09:56
These are doing the rounds again, and thought they were worth a Friday morning (re)post ;)
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Aberdeen received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?
If I was Peter Andre I would be concerned about the amount of time Jordan appears to be spending with Different Strokes actor Gary Coleman
If you're ever choking on an ice cube,don't panic simply pour boiling water down your throat.
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ****: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.
MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
Pepperami claims to be "a bit of an animal". I'm sure it is, but which bit exactly?
My money's on a baboon's cock. And after tasting their hot, spicy one, I can see why they've all got bright red arses
To give herself more street cred, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name, and the first syllable of her second name and rebranded herself as the more urban 'J-Lo'. I can think why Pete Doherty hasnt done the same.
It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'
I have recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am ***, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I'm going to give them a bash.
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
If Carol Vorderman is so good at maths, when is she going to realise a size 14 body doesn't go into a size 8 dress?
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
"I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went in with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upset by an event in all my life. It cost £8 to get in, a can of coke was another £1.50, and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed."
'You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF' claims the advert. Imagine my confusion as I was led away in handcuffs from one of their planes.
I heard Welsh sportsman Joe Calzaghe on the radio recently, launching an anti-bullying campaign. Imagine my horror when I saw him later on TV repeatedly punching a man abpout the head and body
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I
You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
'I read that the recently deceased Queen Mother was incredibly brave for staying in London during the Blitz in WW2. It truly was brave and put my Grandfather to shame. He ran off to France, then Italy, then Africa and finally Germany. The coward'
Tony Blair took us into an illegal war on the misconception that Iraq had acquired weapons of mass destruction. The number of troops killed has reached over a hundred, and the number of Iraqi civillions killed does not bear thinking about. Even today with the war officially over, soldiers and civilians are being killed on a daily basis by insurgents. A lifelong, Labour voter, I vowed never to vote for Tony Blair or the governments he represents ever again after his scandal-ridden premiership. But when he did that 'am I bovvered' sketch with Catherine Tait on Comic Relief night, I screamed with laughter. Well done, Tony, you've got my vote back.
The other day I gave my pet rabbit a bath using Body Shop shampoo and I was horrified to see its eyes go red and swell like golf balls. If Body Shop had had the sense to test their products on laboratory animals like everyone else, my rabbit would have been saved a considerable amount of discomfort.
I played the latest Beatles single “Free as a Bird” to my pet budgerigar but he failed totally to see the irony of the situation.
Poor people shouldn’t worry too much if they don’t have two pennies to rub together. I tried it the other day and frankly can’t see what all the fuss is about.
THERE'S nothing worse than constipation on your big day" the advert for Senecot says. Surely the ****s would be far worse.
and my absolute favourite:
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel
;D
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway
Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius
The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese" obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.
They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV in my local.
If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Aberdeen received some recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?
These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down
I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up boards telling us motorists where they lead to.
Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the other one?
If I was Peter Andre I would be concerned about the amount of time Jordan appears to be spending with Different Strokes actor Gary Coleman
If you're ever choking on an ice cube,don't panic simply pour boiling water down your throat.
Did anyone else feel that Mel Gibson's remake of the classic Life of Brian wasn't anywhere near as funny as the original?
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths. Tripod
I never worry about the destination when I'm going on holiday. My dad is Iranian and my mum is Irish, so I spend most of the time in customs.
If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.
I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
'She can dish it out, but she cannot take it', I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.
I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.
So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied 'I'll tell you when you're older' when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's ****: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.
'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.
How ridiculous of NASA spending billions of pounds to come up with the non-stick frying pan. In the weightlessness of space, the astronauts' sausages are just going to float right out of the pan. If anything, they should have been developing something to make them stick.
MFI's new tag line is 'You dream it, we make it'. They are obviously relying on my dreams being mostly about cheap cupboards.
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
I often receive bills saying 'final demand'. But it never is. If
anything they start asking me for more money.
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
Pepperami claims to be "a bit of an animal". I'm sure it is, but which bit exactly?
My money's on a baboon's cock. And after tasting their hot, spicy one, I can see why they've all got bright red arses
To give herself more street cred, Jennifer Lopez took the first letter of her first name, and the first syllable of her second name and rebranded herself as the more urban 'J-Lo'. I can think why Pete Doherty hasnt done the same.
It's a shame Fred West is dead. He would have made a cracking Mungo Jerry on 'Stars In Your Eyes'
I have recently started to masturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am ***, straight or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
According to the BBC website, 'cocaine users are getting younger'. I have always avoided illegal narcotics but now I've found out that they actually reverse the ageing process I'm going to give them a bash.
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
If Carol Vorderman is so good at maths, when is she going to realise a size 14 body doesn't go into a size 8 dress?
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.
The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting questions.
For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final score place our national champ in the world league table?
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
"I recently attended a bull fight during a holiday in Spain. I went in with an open mind, but I can honestly say that I have never been so appalled and upset by an event in all my life. It cost £8 to get in, a can of coke was another £1.50, and I was sat so far at the back that I couldn't see the cows getting stabbed."
'You don't have to be a pilot to fly in the RAF' claims the advert. Imagine my confusion as I was led away in handcuffs from one of their planes.
I heard Welsh sportsman Joe Calzaghe on the radio recently, launching an anti-bullying campaign. Imagine my horror when I saw him later on TV repeatedly punching a man abpout the head and body
The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I
You often hear that "blood is thicker than water". Well I've got both of them coming out of my arse at the moment, and to be perfectly honest I can't feel any difference.
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
'I read that the recently deceased Queen Mother was incredibly brave for staying in London during the Blitz in WW2. It truly was brave and put my Grandfather to shame. He ran off to France, then Italy, then Africa and finally Germany. The coward'
Tony Blair took us into an illegal war on the misconception that Iraq had acquired weapons of mass destruction. The number of troops killed has reached over a hundred, and the number of Iraqi civillions killed does not bear thinking about. Even today with the war officially over, soldiers and civilians are being killed on a daily basis by insurgents. A lifelong, Labour voter, I vowed never to vote for Tony Blair or the governments he represents ever again after his scandal-ridden premiership. But when he did that 'am I bovvered' sketch with Catherine Tait on Comic Relief night, I screamed with laughter. Well done, Tony, you've got my vote back.
The other day I gave my pet rabbit a bath using Body Shop shampoo and I was horrified to see its eyes go red and swell like golf balls. If Body Shop had had the sense to test their products on laboratory animals like everyone else, my rabbit would have been saved a considerable amount of discomfort.
I played the latest Beatles single “Free as a Bird” to my pet budgerigar but he failed totally to see the irony of the situation.
Poor people shouldn’t worry too much if they don’t have two pennies to rub together. I tried it the other day and frankly can’t see what all the fuss is about.
THERE'S nothing worse than constipation on your big day" the advert for Senecot says. Surely the ****s would be far worse.
and my absolute favourite:
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel
;D