View Full Version : One night stands (following a discussion at work!)
Ive had 2 goes at posting this, but have never hit 'submit' because...well its a bit of a weird subject.
For some reason everyone at work thinks im a bit of an old dog ;) but...I suprised them by giving the game away and admitting that, gosh gasp, im a single male who doesnt do one night stands. For me....I like to know someone before, well, you know ;)
Which got me thinking...am I weird? A poll in the office showed that a lot of the people more often than not, thought a one nighter was acceptable?
So...I thought I would open it out to my virtual friends on here...am I (as I think) in the minority, have old fashioned values...or just plain weird?
More to the point....am I really really going to regret posting this!!
It's yet to ever appeal to me.
I'd never say never as who knows what the future will bring. But so far it's not my cup of tea :) I like to know the person well beforehand.
Princess Griff
22-02-2010, 00:30
You're not on your own IainB!! I think that too, I've never understood it....you don't know the person - they could be anyone and riddled with anything!
NokkonWud
22-02-2010, 00:45
It depends, there are a lot of people that I would like to have sex with but not necessarily have a relationship of any sort with, so I would say that I do not disagree with the idea of one night stands, sometimes it's beneficial to both parties to vent frustrations and whatnot.
I would never do it with someone I know in some way or someone I'd want to have a relationship with, nor would I ever do it with anyone else whilst in a relationship with someone.
Those that know me know I have a slight problem when it comes to women (I out-run Usain Bolt, as many will attest on previous BD meets) so I'll offer my slightly-skewed perspective.
For me, the only way forward is for someone to speak to me first, or for me to be very, very drunk. Unfortunately, the latter tends to mean one night stands. The times I've woken up guilt and worry-free are few, so no, I don't think it's strange to not like or understand it. And, to be honest, I'd swap a billion (ok, maybe not that many) one nighters to spend the evening with someone I love, and who loves my company.
I have a similar problem to Goose, except that I've never got that drunk. I give up at the slightly tipsy stage. Ergo I still haven't. :(
I still have a week in the UK, you never know your luck... :p
Seriously though, and I know I'm going to sound like an arse for saying this, but I hate the whole concept. When I split with my ex last year, I hit a low whilst working overseas. I got very drunk, let my guard down and had a stack-load of worry for months afterwards (plus some very worrying text messages).
So, I'm against the idea, and think it's unacceptable. I'm not sure any of this sounds like I mean it to sound. I hate that I do it occasionally, I hate that I let myself do it, and I hate that I let myself hit the lows that lower my guard.
Time for me to stop typing.
Very contextual, as with most types of sex tbh. I think as long as it's between 2 (or more, wahey) consenting adults who both know the score, then what happens is up to them and shouldn't be judged. Some people may want to have sex but do not want a relationship, now to me, having a release with a likeminded individual is much better than getting into a relationship just for the sex and stringing some other person along.
Um :p
Perfectly acceptable, as long as you don't act like a nob by toying with the other person's emotions. The girls I ended up with knew exactly what they were in for - namely not a long lasting relationship but a bit of fun, there was never any pretence otherwise. Nor did I ever go out 'looking for it', if it happened great, if not I still had a great night regardless. And an absolute adherence to protection of course.
So I have many fun memories and no guilt or worry, lol. It was a fun time that I look back on and chuckle now, don't miss it in the slightest, now its more a case of reeling in girls for my single flatmate :D
Knipples
22-02-2010, 08:06
I've never had a one night stand with a a random, come to think of it i've never slept with someone I didnt know for at least a couple of weeks before. Wouldn't condemn anyone that did mind, just for me I couldn't do it (pardon the pun)
That said I have had sex with people, either knowing it was going to come to nothing, and also had sex with people maybe wanting it go somewhere, and it just ended up not going anywhere. I still knew them beforehand.
For me, the only way forward is for someone to speak to me first, or for me to be very, very drunk.
http://thumbnails.cbsig.net/CBS_Production_Entertainment/CBS_Production_Entertainment/2007/11/12/Primetime/Big_Bang_Theory/Clips/Webclips/566/1019/CBS_BIGBANG_107_CLIP1.jpg
?? ;)
Greenlizard0
22-02-2010, 09:00
I agree with most points here. And that your way of doing things is fine, I know a few people like that.
I do like going out for a weekend beer and being sociable in that way so it's natural that almost all of my partners have too, been drinkers and more likely to have one night stands. Hence if it's to lead onto anything that would be how it starts. I find the "stick a jonny on and ..." a good way of looking at it. :p
I don't tend to bother any more though, not because of old school/chivalrous morels but probably because there's no buzz to it any more. Old..fart...
Rich L has pretty much already said my next point. I reckon it's just as chivalrous to err, do it right and get contexts clear from the beginning than deliberately avoid it.
It's never been something that's appealed to me either, for the same reasons as IanB.
Stan_Lite
22-02-2010, 10:04
I'm happily single and, for the moment, I prefer to keep it that way. I like sex so I'm very much in favour of one night stands. I see nothing wrong with it at all - as long as, as has already been mentioned, both participants are fully aware of the situation and consent.
A much better solution is a ****buddy. I had one for a while back in Shetland and it worked well. Neither of us were interested in having a relationship but we both enjoyed a good romp now and then so we had a sort of unspoken agreement. It was a bit of a win-win situation, we both received sexual gratification without having to pick some stranger up.
A much better solution is a ****buddy. I had one for a while back in Shetland and it worked well. Neither of us were interested in having a relationship but we both enjoyed a good romp now and then so we had a sort of unspoken agreement. It was a bit of a win-win situation, we both received sexual gratification without having to pick some stranger up.
Now the above I would probably be more happier with, as you would know them...
Just wanted to confirm I am in no way a prude...far from it, maybe a bit toooooo open minded at times, just wanted peoples thoughts. Maybe its becuase Ive always had long term relationships and not done the whole going out at the weekends getting wasted, as I was always out Djing
TinkerBell
22-02-2010, 10:24
I'm not against other people having one night stands unless one is in a relationship, as long as they both are consenting adults.
For me it is a no go. I can't even imagine having sex with someone who I don't know, the only time I have ever talked about it or wanted to is when I want to have a relationship with that person.
?? ;)
:p
This is my problem, only less geeky: http://www.xkcd.com/439/
I went through a rebellious phase and had quite a few but the thought of doing it now scares me to death!
I have had a grand total of 1 one night stand.
Never again. It made me realise that I needed to have an emotional connection with someone before doing the do with them for the first time.
I've never really been one for going out on the pull either. If I start talking to someone then it's because I find them interesting and want to talk.
For me, having a ****buddy isn't an option. I can understand how some people have them and for them it's great. But for me, again there has to be an emotional connection and it has to be more than jst being friends.
Have had one night stands, and a **** buddy. Both good in their own ways, and if I was still single, I wouldnt think twice about doing it again.
Treefrog
22-02-2010, 16:03
Pretty much the same opinion as Dee here. It must be a Piscean thing ;)
I did have a one-night stand that I wouldn't mind if a partner had.
Hitched to London for a friend's funeral. Got to a mutual friend's, rang the wrong bell and the lady from the upstairs flat answered and let me in to the friend's flat.
Great evening meeting up with old friends even though it could have been for a better reason and we all went to the pub with their upstairs neighbour. Had a few drinks, got a carry out - beer music and a smoke, and their neighbour and I got chatting. She turned out to be doing post grad stuff at Brunel, one thing led to another and it was just the perfect way to finish off the day.
In the morning we kissed and went our separate ways. I still remember her and I hope she still remembers me.
In many ways, that night is summed up by the Stiff Little Fingers song "Touch and Go."
Aw bless ya! Arent we sensitive souls :D
It's not something that appeals to me at all so I understand why you feel like that. I'm also not a prude (after all who is to say you aren't a wild demon lover in the bedroom), but I just prefer to get up to the wild stuff with a partner rather than with a one off person. I've found that that sex just gets better the longer you are with the person rather than the other way around so it's another reason it doesn't appeal so much.
I'm not saying it's something I've never done, but it's something I'd never do again. I was really settling for what I could get rather than what I wanted and I felt worse for it afterwards. I don't judge others for it, if it makes both people happy and they are both ok with it then it's fine. That said (this my be a bit hypocritical), I don't know how I would feel if I found out someone I was having a serious relationship with had previously been a serial one nighter. I'd be ok with it happening on a couple of occasions or even if they had a regular **** buddy, if it was loads of different people all the time though it's something I'd need to seriously consider.
semi-pro waster
22-02-2010, 19:56
I've had a couple of one night stands and don't see anything particularly wrong with it, it wasn't that I'd ever gone out with the intention of having a one night stand, they just happened - not sure if that is better or worse. While it's possibly not as 'rewarding' for want of a better phrase as having sex in a relationship, it has it's place so provided the parties don't have differing expectations of the end result it should be fine.
Ooooo I've never had one! A few times, in the name of being a free-spirited single individual who quite fancied the idea of using and abusing I've trotted out fully intending to seek out some meaningless no-strings fun. I dunno, maybe my standards are too high or I wasn't drunk enough but I never seemed to find anyone I fancied.
I almost had one once! But he was quite persistent and I ended up seeing him again....and again, for about a year!
Maybe it should go on my 'things to do before I'm 35' list! I need to start that list!
Matblack
23-02-2010, 01:48
I don't get it
[read into that what you will]
MB
Perfectly acceptable, as long as you don't act like a nob by toying with the other person's emotions.
This.
Clearly I'd rather know the person first, but I think it's perfectly natural for 2 people to fornicate with one another if there's the attraction and they both know what they want and are getting into.
Have had one night stands, and a **** buddy. Both good in their own ways, and if I was still single, I wouldnt think twice about doing it again.
Yup agreed 100% :)
Agreed with the great Willhelm.
I'm not great... value for money maybe though?! :p
I think a lot of people who say they never have, or will have a one-nighter, are not including people that they know that they have one-offs with. Seems to happen loads if this conversation comes up - 'Oh it wasn't a one night stand, I've known him since school'. Still a one-night stand in my book!
Agreed. I do admire people who can abstain and be morally strong and following their belief systems. However, I'm afraid I struggle with that as I don't see why you should abstain from such things. Whilst I'm a good loyal and honest person, I'm only human, with the urges that one gets, and the attraction that one has for the opposite sex. Sex doesn't have to **** up anything, in fact it should and could be perfectly normal thing for 2 consenting adults to do as and when they see fit. It's a perfectly normal basic animal instinct that is inherently human. Embrace it I say!
People seem to have such a stigma and negative attitude to people having sex and having fun. I find so many other things far more apalling in this world, to find something so natural and great "bad" is just odd IMO. :)
Knipples
23-02-2010, 13:56
Nicely put Will :)
There is a line though somewhere surely? Or do people really not mind how many partners their other half has had so long as they are safe?
Don't get me wrong, as I have said I don't judge others as beng bad and I could live with a partner having had a few. However, if it transpired that they had a different one nighter every weekend for the last 10 years..... now that I would have an issue with (rightly or wrongly). An extreme example I know, I'm just saying that for a lot of people there is a line, it's just a case of where that line is for each individual.
People seem to have such a stigma and negative attitude to people having sex and having fun. I find so many other things far more apalling in this world, to find something so natural and great "bad" is just odd IMO. :)
Woah there big boy....I dont find it bad, far from it...I love it :p but...I would just rather do it with someone I know than a random...probably because one night isnt long enough :evil:
I completely agree with Muban. I don't actually think I've got anything to add to what she's said, right now anyway.
There is a line though somewhere surely? Or do people really not mind how many partners their other half has had so long as they are safe?
Don't get me wrong, as I have said I don't judge others as beng bad and I could live with a partner having had a few. However, if it transpired that they had a different one nighter every weekend for the last 10 years..... now that I would have an issue with (rightly or wrongly). An extreme example I know, I'm just saying that for a lot of people there is a line, it's just a case of where that line is for each individual.
I suppose it depends on how active you are with the more long term partners you do have. I know of some people who have been together for years but have sex maybe once or twice a week. Whilst others are incessant!
Having some experience is favourable to being a bit erm... "new to it" I must admit. However as you say it's down to each person , I don't know how I'd feel if someone had had 100s of sexual partners, but having been with someone who had had none, I'd actually choose the person who had had a lot over the other.
Woah there big boy....I dont find it bad, far from it...I love it :p but...I would just rather do it with someone I know than a random...probably because one night isnt long enough :evil:
Oh I agree, sharing something with someone you knwo is clearly more fun, but sometimes the intrigue and adventure of discovering someone you don't know very well, or have only met at a party is also very exciting. It allows you to be a bit more adventureous and less inhibitive. It clearly isn't applicable to all.
I suppose it depends on how active you are with the more long term partners you do have. I know of some people who have been together for years but have sex maybe once or twice a week. Whilst others are incessant!
Am I unusual in the fact that I don't do one nighters or casual sex, can abstain for years if single but when in a relationship (even long term) I am...err..... incessant! :p ;)
I still think most people have a line though :)
Knipples
23-02-2010, 14:39
However, if it transpired that they had a different one nighter every weekend for the last 10 years..... now that I would have an issue with
I would too, but mainly because to me it would say they have issues with commitment, and I would just be another in a long line of conquests, rather than me having an issue with how many people they had been to bed with.
I do love debates like this, and hearing everyone elses opinions on stuff :)
Knipples
23-02-2010, 14:41
can abstain for years if single but when in a relationship (even long term) I am...err..... incessant! :p ;)
You arent alone there Mubs :o
Yup thats exactly what I mean Knip. It's not about the exact number of partners really, it's what their actions say about them. A little fun is one thing, but having to move town because you have slept with everyone is something else :D
leowyatt
23-02-2010, 14:47
I'd actually choose the person who had had a lot over the other.
quantity doesn't necessarily indicate quality ;)
It takes time for you to learn about each other and I would have thought those people who have had lots of partners could be stuck in their ways but those less experienced are more eager to please so to speak ;D
Am I unusual in the fact that I don't do one nighters or casual sex, can abstain for years if single but when in a relationship (even long term) I am...err..... incessant! :p ;)
I still think most people have a line though :)
Oh absolutely, and often it's an unfortunate double standard which I think is wrong, but it does exist. And glad to see you're a bit of a sex feind! ;) :evil: But ever the laaaaady of course! ;)
Yup thats exactly what I mean Knip. It's not about the exact number of partners really, it's what their actions say about them. A little fun is one thing, but having to move town because you have slept with everyone is something else :D
Oh don't get me wrong I don't see the appeal of constant excess, however, a little fun from time to time, is a healthy thing to get wouldn't you agree? Knowing the person intimately and deeply for those occaisional moments you decide to have fun isn't always a necessity for me. :)
quantity doesn't necessarily indicate quality ;)
It takes time for you to learn about each other and I would have thought those people who have had lots of partners could be stuck in their ways but those less experienced are more eager to please so to speak ;D
Quantity doesn't equal quality of course, I agree entirely. However, experience > inexperience though open mindedness and experimentational attitude > *. So I agree with what you're saying, but neither statement is mutually exclusive either.
I was always quite proud of the fact that I had never intended having a one night stand and the weekend I decided to lower my morals and have one, I ended up marrying her....
I have had a couple of one night stands with people I have known as in friends or friends of friends.
I have had one proper one night stand while drunk and although it was awesome sex I am cringed when I see him :/ not at all my type.
Hmmm.
If I was single, I couldn't have a one night stand with a random person. Firstly because of confidence about how I look and secondly I don't know them... I'm a girl and don't want to be put in a situation which could end up sticky (haw dee haw) and plus I don't know where their bits have been! That freaks me out! Even if it was a guy and they wear a condom still would freak me out of catching something! Ew!
However... with someone I know. Well that's different. I need to be comfortable with people and need to be attracted to them... that's the only way that's really going to happen for me. Maybe not even attracted... just comfortable with them. I dunno. I'm a bit of a weirdo and don't realise/find people I have just met attractive at all physically (I just.. I dunno. There's a link missing in my brain, I just talk to people because they're people and I like people... not cos I think they're a fitty. General rule of thumb: I only find people attractive once I've got to know them. Possibly why I don't get things like pR0n and stuff? Who knows!). So I never really feel physically like boinking anyone when I first meet them. (exception = Captain Jack Sparrow) ;) :p
It's a hard one (fnar) and I think all situations vary massively.
My opinion though - each to their own. As long as they're not screwing up other peoples lives and everyone knows where they stand then why not? :) I wouldn't judge anyone who did it/hold it against them. Even if it's something they've done and it's wrong (ie in a relationship). As long as it wasn't done with maliciousness and intent, I don't think I would defriend anyone for it/judge them as I guess people are just human and make screw ups sometimes.
I've become a lot more open minded lately with stuff like that though.
Chuckles
24-02-2010, 22:48
It's really 2 questions isn't it.
The question of whether a one night stand is morally acceptable is easy - Yes it is, at is a consensual actual act between 2 people which harms noone else.
On an individual level, I guess it's different. If you are the kind of person that will get upset afterwoods if there is no further contact - It's probably best not for you. I suspect that even now, there is probably more of a stigma attached for women, even if there shouldn't be.
Personally, I think they are awesome :p :D
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