View Full Version : Viz Letters
NokkonWud
21-06-2007, 16:03
Well we all like a good laugh, these were forwarded to me by my dad, so I've posted them here. I've had a quick scan and I don't *think* any of the language is too unsavoury. Anyway, if the Viz is up your street you'll like these:
I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our
Jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.
Charles Turner
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.
T Potter
Iwouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.
Mike Potts
Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.
Christina Martin
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?
Mark J, Barnsley
AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.
Zak Cassidy, e-mail
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, 'A Single Step' and 'Out On A Limb', or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.
A Cherry, Leeds
PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days.
It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.
T Harpic, London
THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how **** must the other people at the interview have been?
T Thorne, London
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes.
Wise move.
Martin Mannion
Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?
Alun Daniel
My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what
he'll get up to next.
J Barratt, Nottingham
When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.
Tommo, Hull
What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum?
My mum's 77. Beat that.
__________________________________________________ __________
Some serious LOL's there ;D
Highlights for me:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
&
so who's had the last laugh?
:D
Stan_Lite
21-06-2007, 16:10
so who's had the last laugh?
:D
My faourite too ;D
Some good ones there.
Stan :)
The plums one does it for me every time. Funny stuff!
Kell_ee001
21-06-2007, 16:23
;D Awesome stuff ;D
More harvested from t'web:
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.
Chris Stink
Why is it that pubs wont serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat ****ers? It's hardly fair.
Christina Martin
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.
Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?
John Campbell, e-mail
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.
Baz, Bondi
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Chris Scaife, Jesmond
Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.
T Barnham, London
They say you can't trust anybody these days.
Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.
Steven Arthurs, Bristol
We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops.
Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations?
D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
;D ;D ;D
This was always one of my favourite pages in Viz!
NokkonWud
21-06-2007, 16:41
Yeah, it was always top. Shame so much comedy is stopped now thanks to over PC'ing, good old Viz was always a guaranteed laugh though.
I've still got loads of old copies hanging around. Am going to look at the Letters now!
Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.
Bahahah :D
That Taiwanese pair were brilliant ;D
Hee hee!
I recently opened a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti, only to find the whole tin contained nothing but letter 'O's. Can any of your readers beat that?
Edward Sylvester
With Regard to Edward Sylvester's letter (this issue). I can't beat it, but I can match it. I opened a can last night and it was full of very long letter 'I's.
Axolotl Abrahams
Psychologists say that men who like women with large breasts are suffering from an Oedipal complex. What b*llocks. I like big t*ts, and I don't want to shag my mam. Her t*ts are tiny.
Joel Young
The other night, I had seven pints of Guiness. Unsurprisingly, I woke the next morning needing to fart. Aware of the extreme risks involved, I proceeded with extreme caution, exercising such masterful ring control, that I not only prevented a fizzy follow through, but unwittingly parped a pitch-perfect 'Uh-Oh'. The comic timing and irony was sublime. I laughed so much I shat myself.
Boyce Thornton
I'm crying laughing typing that last one!
NokkonWud
21-06-2007, 17:00
lolol, that last one is an absolute pearler!
It recieved a very rare laugh out loud.
That last one is simply superb, I'm in tears!
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 17:03
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
* Collapses laughing *
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 17:05
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
* gasp gasp *
ROFL !!
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 17:08
Hee hee!
The other night, I had seven pints of Guiness. Unsurprisingly, I woke the next morning needing to fart. Aware of the extreme risks involved, I proceeded with extreme caution, exercising such masterful ring control, that I not only prevented a fizzy follow through, but unwittingly parped a pitch-perfect 'Uh-Oh'. The comic timing and irony was sublime. I laughed so much I shat myself.
Boyce Thornton.
* can't breathe *
Apparently, people who can imagine things in 3 dimensions make very good molecular chemists. Well, I can imagine pushing my face right between Jordan's breasts until my head is completely enveloped by them. And get this... I'm emeritus Professor of Molecular Chemistry at Cambridge University.
Prof N. Tucker,
Keys College, Cambridge
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 17:14
COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu Hamsa.
Les Barnsley, Barnsley
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 17:19
I was extremely saddened to hear of Richard Whiteley's recent death. But I was cheered to imagine his life support machine making the famous Countdown "da-da, da-da, da-da-da-da! Booooooo!" sound as he took his final breaths.
Tripod
;D;D;D;D;D;D;D;D
Davey_Pitch
21-06-2007, 18:01
I don't think any thread has made me laugh out loud so much. Please keep them coming! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
These suicide bombers really get my goat. What an evil way to kill innocent people, running screaming into a crowded place like madmen, blowing themselves and everyone else to bits. Whatever happened to good old fashioned gentlemen terrorists like the IRA, who'd quietly pop a nail bomb under a pub table and leave without making a song and dance about it.
Charles Nylon
Mr Nylon (above letter) does not know what he is talking about. Getlemen terrorists indeed. When you get stang off a wasp, it just flies off to sting again and again in the style of the IRA bombers that Mr Nylon so admires. However, when a bee stings it pulls it's arse inside out and, like a suicide bomber, dies. And I think that we'd all agree that bees are much nicer than wasps.
Bamber Ross
I'm afraid Mr Ross's insect/terrorist analogy (above letter) doesn't hold water. The reason that we agree that bees are nicer than wasps is nothing at all to do with their stinging ability. It is because bees are furry, like little black and orange teddy bears that make jam. Wasps on the other hand are all hard and have them Darth Vader faces. And they chase you when you run off.
Prof J. Sheils
Dept of Entomology
Maudling College,
Oxford
Piggymon
21-06-2007, 18:53
ROFLMFAO !!! Awesome ! :D
Von Smallhausen
21-06-2007, 19:25
Talking of Viz, if anyone has a copy of the Profannisaurus Rex, the worlds ultimate swear dictionary, have a look for Alan's.
I submitted it years ago and it got in. :D
It might be online somewhere.
Here:
http://www.viz.co.uk/
Profanisaurus search on there.
semi-pro waster
21-06-2007, 20:07
http://www.viz.co.uk/
Profanisaurus search on there.
No luck searching for Alan's on there unfortunately but some of the letters are genius - simple, subtle, absurd and brilliant all in one. :D
In Boots the other day I saw some packets of Immodium in the last minute impulse-buy rack by the till. Now chewing gum I can understand, but you've either got chonic diarrohea or you haven't.
N Tinberg
I learned with interest this week that the term 'inflammable' does not in fact mean that something is not flammable. The word does not follow the same negative rule as other words prefixed 'in', such as inaudible, insatiable, indiscreet, etc. I also burnt my arse cheeks quite badly.
C. Drakeman, London
Tony Blair took us into an illegal war on the misconception that Iraq had acquired weapons of mass destruction. The number of troops killed has reached over a hundred, and the number of Iraqi civillions killed does not bear thinking about. Even today with the war officially over, soldiers and civilians are being killed on a daily basis by insurgents. A lifelong, Labour voter, I vowed never to vote for Tony Blair or the governments he represents ever again after his scandal-ridden premiership. But when he did that 'am I bovvered' sketch with Catherine Tait on Comic Relief night, I screamed with laughter. Well done, Tony, you've got my vote back.
Frank Mint, Tynedale
People say that by accepting a fee for Children in Need, Terry Wogan is taking money out of the mouths of poor children, but surely that is a good thing. A child could easily choke to death on a mouthful of money, so Terry is only thinking of their welfare. If a child has 9000 pounds of 10 pence pieces in its mouth, then I for one applaud Sir Terry for taking it out. The man already has so much money that the extra that he gets from poor children's mouths can only be an inconvenience for him. The real criminals are the ones putting money in the poor children's mouths in the first place.
Richard Herring
PMSL..
Anyone naming their child should spend a few minutes checking rhyming slang and dodgy sounding names. Brad and Angelina failed to do this when naming their kid Shiloh Pitt. At some point, someone at school is going to spoonerise her name.
Craig Stark
NokkonWud
21-06-2007, 20:22
Haha! Absolute genius that last one!
Love the Immodium one!
On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in
Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've
obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road.
Alan J., London
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law
for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David
Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but
isn't this taking gloating just a little too far?
Dave Owen, Edinburgh
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel, Motherwell
I don't know why cigarette manufacturers put those big warning stickers on the side of their packets. If anything, it is likely to put people off buying the product.
Mark Mayhem, Loughborough
Forget Prince Harry and his fascist ways. While eating a Birdseye Potato Waffle the other day, I was sickened to be able to fashion a crude swastika from the compressed starch matrix. And their Alphabites are no better. After carefully selecting a plateful I was able to spell 'Hitler is nice' by using z on its side for an n. How long are the frozen food giants going to be allowed to get away with this?
Billington Smyth, Bridgend
The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not good luck in my book.
Milos el Standish, Barcelona
I was being chased by a police dog last week, and made the mistake of trying to escape through a little tunnel, over a see-saw and through a hoop of fire. It finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
Stan Herschel, Motherwell
I just screamed laughing at that one!
Kell_ee001
22-06-2007, 00:51
I have the profannisaurus!!
I have it somewhere too :D I'll make sure to look it up when I get a chance :)
Von Smallhausen
22-06-2007, 18:38
It's all ver well when the newsreaders remind us that the clocks have to go back, but I've got five clocks in my house and I can't remember where I bought them.
Jason Simmons
E-mail.
" When a man loves a woman, can't keep his mind on nuthin' else " crooned Percy Sledge during the summer of 1966. I would have to disagree, as during sexual intercourse with my wife I routinely think about our next door neighbour Brenda and her Border Collie.
David Thompson
E-mail.
I am deaf, and I like spang vids as much as the next man. I get the general drift of what is happening in the art films, but my enjoyment is lessened because I cannot hear the dialogue, and it would help my timing if I knew when the cash splash is bout to happen. Perhaps porn makers could include subtitles along the bottom, or better still, have deaf actors who could sign straight to camera. I understand it might be difficult for an actress in a spitroast or a triple entry gangbang, but at least they could make the effort.
Keswick Stan
E-mail.
Russell Brand, Russell Crowe, Russell Grant, Russell Watson. Is everyone with the first name Russell a complete **** ?
Tim Rustling
E-mail.
It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope the that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny Pring
E-mail.
In his resignation speech, Tony Blair said that even though people may think many of his actions were wrong, he did what he did because he believed it was right. I have great sympathy with his position. I know from my own life that it takes enormous courage to do what, in your heart, you believe is right even when everyone else is criticising you.
Peter Sutcliffe
Broadmoor.
In electing right wing Nicolas Sarkozy over the socialist Segolene Royal in the recent election, the French have denied everyone a politician worth having a Hilary S**** over. I don't suppose you've got any pictures of her in a bikini have you ?
Stuie
E-mail.
Dymetrie
22-06-2007, 18:42
In his resignation speech, Tony Blair said that even though people may think many of his actions were wrong, he did what he did because he believed it was right. I have great sympathy with his position. I know from my own life that it takes enormous courage to do what, in your heart, you believe is right even when everyone else is criticising you.
Peter Sutcliffe
Broadmoor.
LMAO!
;D;D;D
Von Smallhausen
23-06-2007, 13:12
I must say I was disappointed when Ford released the Mondeo as it broke with the tradition of naming their cars after jazz mags like Escort and Fiesta. I was hoping to drive a Ford Razzle or a Ford Readers Wives Tits Special.
Why don't football teams over here follow the example of continental Europe and have an electricity theme like AC Milan or Dynamo Kiev. I for one would be proud to support Aston Fusewire or Wolverhampton Integrated Circuit Breakers.
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