bash.org (NSFW and fairly offensive...mostly)

[Belmit]

Every now and again I take a look at bash.org and just generate a random page of quotes. Most aren't great but sometimes some make me laugh out loud - usually the very clever or the very offensive ones, and occasionally just the very childish or geeky ones. Over the past few weeks I saved a small selection of the ones where I had to stifle a laugh at work and just thought I'd pass them on to you. Feel free to post your favourites...


#760204 +(1017)- [X]

<thefwf> I just realised soemthing while watching spongebob with my mates
<thefwf> They were like "wtf, how come the food stays on the plate underwater"
<thefwf> and I was like
<thefwf> "WHY IS THERE A TALKING SPONGE LIVING IN A ****ING PINEAPPLE"


#759858 +(738)- [X]

<KaiserPanda> spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can
<KaiserPanda> clings to walls, licks his balls
<KaiserPanda> but not at the same time or else he faaaaalls!


#759367 +(635)- [X]

Coff:We should bring rain ponchoes back. Problem Solved.
Cyg:New Problem: I don't want to look like a homeless wizard.


#765730 +(534)- [X]

<Cell>: i heard tupac was hung like a horse
<Kleptomaniac>: Tupac was shot, he wasn't hung. Read the news sometime.


#763307 +(513)- [X]

<j0e> when i want to download music i look up what the band thinks about filesharing
<j0e> if they're okay with it, i download the song
<j0e> if they're against it, i download the song out of spite
<UriGeller> what if they haven't said anything on filesharing
<j0e> that's what i call a tacit endorsement


#768122 +(874)- [X]

<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> ****
<dez> oh ****
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed


#42382 +(456)- [X]

<Supachikn> Demigoat, you and i are onthe same wavelength
<Supachikn> or at least frequency
<Demigoat> if you and I were ethernet cards attached to a hub our frames would never collide!
<Supachikn> if you and i were polarised light waves we'd be ****in lazer beams!
<Demigoat> Turtles, The - So Happy Together.mp3
<Demigoat> I <3 supa
<Supachikn> i less than three you too, demi


#75249 +(515)- [X]

<CyberMind> ive been programming and using computers since my old days in the womb.
<CyberMind> umbilical ethernet
<SR71Goku> how fast do you get on it?
<SR71Goku> I'd imagine at least 1gigabit/s
<CyberMind> actually quite slow.
<CyberMind> network was flooded with protein and nutrient packets.
<SR71Goku> LOL...
<SR71Goku> "Daddy once DoSed my connection..."
<CyberMind> ok im ending it right there.


#50701 +(189)- [X]

<|TripleH|> Ever been ****ing some 15-year-old homeless girl and the roofies wear off and she starts to wake up? Do you just keep going, or do you hit her with a toaster or something and try to knock her back out? I never know what to do.


#70565 +(526)- [X]

<wig> Seriously... .45k/sec it is a joke.. I could have just gone out and taken my own photos of children in this time


#230424 +(876)- [X]

<Gerard> Damn bitch **** damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang


#772439 +(83)- [X]

<heffalump75> so i was doing my food and tech exam, right..
<heffalump75> and for some reason they asked me to explain three different methods of cooking potatoes.
<heffalump75> I'd just recently watched LOTR as well.
<mmmBoris> Uh oh i can see where this is going
<heffalump75> In the first box i put "boil em," the second i put "mash em" and the third i put "stick em in a stew."
<heffalump75> And then on the side I drew a picture of Samwise Gamgee as best i could.
<heffalump75> I got a massive tick and full marks for that question.


#77029 +(590)- [X]

<Dj|Gallow> TUNE IN
<Dj|Gallow> GOD DAMN IT
<IntrepiD`GNR> Dj|Gallow: we have children present
<Dj|Gallow> sorry
<Dj|Gallow> TUNE THE **** IN KIDS


#434593 +(9184)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'


#624106 +(802)- [X]

pi4arctan1guy: I cam home from grocery shopping and there wasn't enough room for all my food and I thought "This isn't fair! Most people never have to deal with the frustration of not being able to fit all their food in their refrigerators!" Then, I put my hands on my big white belly and laughed a very deep laugh, while my top hat bobbed up and down and my cane leaned against my stack of property deeds and hundred dollar bills.


#9101 +(382)- [X]

<Hiryuu> "War, the musical!"
<Ten> "With Sean Connery as Iraq!"


#21788 +(1890)- [X]

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

[Haly]

;D Some of those are pure brilliance :D

[leowyatt]

excellent Belmit, more please!!!

[Stan_Lite]

<j0e> when i want to download music i look up what the band thinks about filesharing
<j0e> if they're okay with it, i download the song
<j0e> if they're against it, i download the song out of spite
<UriGeller> what if they haven't said anything on filesharing
<j0e> that's what i call a tacit endorsement

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'


Nice ;D

The above are my favourites :D

[Belmit]

Hahaha!

#308977 (http://www.bash.org/?308977) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=308977)(66)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=308977) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=308977)
<Fandang0-> whats that band that the lead singer looks like Val Kilmer?
<thaRuler> the doors?

[Stan_Lite]

Just had a brief look and found a few which made me lol ;D

#4281 +(25059)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances :D-<
* nmp3bot dances :D|-<
* nmp3bot dances :D/-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#4753 +(13101)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#330261 +(12051)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

#23601 +(11844)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

[Haly]

;D;D

[Belmit]

#76596 (http://www.bash.org/?76596) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=76596)(452)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=76596) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=76596)
<InkyGhost>Is it wrong to root for Tom Hank's character's death in "Castaway"?
<Rob> No, because its Tom Hanks.
<Rob> He starred in Mazes and Monsters, a blantant anti DnD film.
<Rob> Staring in porn is more respectable than being in that **** heap.
<Morrigan> Rob, that was before he was established. You have to take roles like that so you can get better ones.
<Rob> I don't care. Staring in porno would be more respectable than that.
<InkyGhost> You seem to have an unnatural fixation about seeing Tom Hanks in porn.
<Rob> Shut the **** up, Ghost.
<Himi> Busted.


#515363 (http://www.bash.org/?515363) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=515363)(2694)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=515363) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=515363)
rhys_rhaven: I have pictures..thousands of them. but most are art...i got katies harddrive.
rhys_rhaven: ....
overlord_overkill2007: ah i se
rhys_rhaven: i dont understand how she can walk into a church
rhys_rhaven: tons, and tons, of slash
rhys_rhaven: gay guys, gay guys ****ing, gay porn stories, guys on guys, guys kissing.
overlord_overkill2007: ewww
rhys_rhaven: guys humping guys, female ass domination, guy slaves, butt sex,
overlord_overkill2007: ewwwwwwww
rhys_rhaven: oh it gets worse. she has no file structure!!!!!
rhys_rhaven: what kind of sick woman doesnt organize her files?!!!
Daniel: EWWWWWWWW

[Flibster]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

----------------------------
----------------------------

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor :(
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

[killerkebab]

#120095 (http://bash.org/?120095) + (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&rox=120095)(2757)- (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sox=120095) [X] (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sux=120095)
<Naudiz> my IQ is high enough that I can do anything I want
<Naudiz> college means nothing
<netbsd_> What is this almighty IQ you have and what self-scoring IQ test gave you the idea you have it?
<Naudiz> I'm a Mensa member .. I allready mentioned this.
<netbsd_> So you're in the top two percent of the population?
<netbsd_> This is me being impressed.
<Naudiz> no actually ... only 1 in 50 people qualify to be in Mensa

#240849 (http://bash.org/?240849) + (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&rox=240849)(8393)- (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sox=240849) [X] (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sux=240849)
<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls

#670375 (http://bash.org/?670375) + (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&rox=670375)(8103)- (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sox=670375) [X] (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sux=670375)
<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, ****

[Tak]

#768122 +(874)- [X]

<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> ****
<dez> oh ****
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed


#230424 +(876)- [X]

<Gerard> Damn bitch **** damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang



#21788 +(1890)- [X]

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

Faves so far ;D ;D ;D

Read the middle one out to my manager and she laughed too

[Nutcase]

Some classics in there :D The HP one I've seen before, but still damned funny :D

[leowyatt]

#670375 (http://bash.org/?670375) + (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&rox=670375)(8103)- (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sox=670375) [X] (http://bash.org/?le=f03469aa35037cb0f76438276210ae7b&sux=670375)
<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, ****


hahahahahahahahahahaa

[Daz]

Superb guys :D

[Garp]

#287414 +(16884)- [X]

<DeadMansHand> haha, last night, me and pete went out to celebrate his engagement and got hugely drunk
<DeadMansHand> we got this great idea to bury eachother in the sand close to the water and see who would chicken out first
<DeadMansHand> took about a half hour, but the water got up to my face so i freaked and got out
<DeadMansHand> i looked around for pete and he must've chickened out before me and stumbled home or something heh
<DeadMansHand> What'd he say when he woke up this morning?
<Thirteen-> uhh.. he hasn't come home yet.. i thought he was staying with you?
<DeadMansHand> holy ****.
<DeadMansHand> i ****ing hope im wrong about what im thinking right now
<DeadMansHand> im ****ing going back to the beach to make sure
<DeadMansHand> if he gets home, call me, i don't want to be worrying about this
<Thirteen-> will do. you better hope he's not still buried, you'll be in deep ****.
quit: (DeadMansHand)
<Tyran> wtf? pete came home last night you ****. Ken's going to be worrying about this **** all day
<Thirteen-> haha yea, but it will be fun while it lasts
join: (PeteRepeat) (bob@3F8C4655.11D1C8C.18637D35.IP)
<PeteRepeat> ****ing ken
<PeteRepeat> ken... that ****er buried me in the sand last night, i ran off about 5 minutes to it, left him there to be an idiot
<quiqsilver> pete, ken didn't come back last night, i thought he was with you.
<PeteRepeat> oh ****.
<PeteRepeat> if ken shows up, make sure he doesn't know that im at the beach digging for his body. i don't want him to think i care or anything.
quit: (PeteRepeat)
<Thirteen-> rofl. Those 2 are going to get a huge surprise when they meet at the beach.
<Tyran> i can't beleive how perfect their timing was

and my fave..


#99835 +(16207)- [X]

<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks?
<TheXPhial> vaccuums
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what sucks in a metaphorical sense?
<TheXPhial> black holes
<Guo_Si> Hey, you know what just isn't cool?
<TheXPhial> lava?


Hehe.. so true, so true:

#414593 +(13024)- [X]

DragonflyBlade21: A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you're a great guy, but I don't like you in that way. This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we're not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we're going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn't work out, we'll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

[kaiowas]

<Cthon98> hey, if you type in your pw, it will show as stars
<Cthon98> ********* see!
<AzureDiamond> hunter2
<AzureDiamond> doesnt look like stars to me
<Cthon98> <AzureDiamond> *******
<Cthon98> thats what I see
<AzureDiamond> oh, really?
<Cthon98> Absolutely
<AzureDiamond> you can go hunter2 my hunter2-ing hunter2
<AzureDiamond> haha, does that look funny to you?
<Cthon98> lol, yes. See, when YOU type hunter2, it shows to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> thats neat, I didnt know IRC did that
<Cthon98> yep, no matter how many times you type hunter2, it will show to us as *******
<AzureDiamond> awesome!
<AzureDiamond> wait, how do you know my pw?
<Cthon98> er, I just copy pasted YOUR ******'s and it appears to YOU as hunter2 cause its your pw
<AzureDiamond> oh, ok.


Fantastic :D

[killerkebab]

Before you go looking for random quotes, definitely read the top 200 first. Absolutely brilliant - although a few have already been done here :)

[Davey_Pitch]

<AgentSmith> It seems you have been leading two lives, Mr. Anderson. In one life, you are Robert Anderson, assistant cook at a Jack in the Box in Mesquite....in the other...you go by the chat alias "Randerson"...spreading homosexual propoganda, lying, and being a generally immature pest...
<AgentSmith> One of these...has a future.
<Randerson> LMAO OMFG where's the phone, I have to tell Dean about this
<AgentSmith> How can you use the phone when you cannot...speak?
*** AgentSmith sets mode: +m


<death09>my girlfriend broke up with me and sent me pix of her and her new boyfriend in bed
<ktp753>ouch.
<death09>yeah.i sent them to her dad


<MooseOnDaLoose> Hey Mike
<goatboy> what?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> er?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> and?
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> ...
<MooseOnDaLoose> Pussy.
<goatboy> i dont get it
<MooseOnDaLoose> AND YOU NEVER WILL.
<goatboy> bastard


<Eticam> I was in biology class once, and the teacher said there was sugar in sperm
<Eticam> And a girl asked why doesn't it taste sweet then
<Eticam> When she realised what she said her face became red like a spanked monkey ass
<Eticam> Then the teacher said, because you taste sweetness with the front of your tongue, not the part of your tongue back in your throat
<Eticam> The girl started crying and left class ^^


<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language


HAHAHAHAHAHAH ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Davey_Pitch]

<DemonEater> wtf
<DemonEater> ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship
<DemonEater> who the hell watches jump rope competiti--- ooh bouncy

Brilliant ;D ;D

[Haly]

;D;D

[leowyatt]

<Hiroe> he was dressed as a big ****in devil
<Hiroe> like, HUGE costume
<Hiroe> 8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
<Hiroe> at some anime con in california
<Hiroe> they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
<Hiroe> he's riding the elevator down to the con space
<Hiroe> doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
<Hiroe> he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice


<DannyB> some girl on the street asked if i was saved yet
<DannyB> i told her i saved at the checkpoint a couple minutes back
<DannyB> and can reload from there if i die
<DannyB> she was confused

[Belmit]

#1897 (http://www.bash.org/?1897) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=1897)(901)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=1897) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=1897)
<gaspumpXP> Man... what kind of RPG is this? It won't let me rape the sheep...

#33131 (http://www.bash.org/?33131) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=33131)(343)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=33131) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=33131)
<yeyey> why cant i compile my code?
<programmer> well do you have a compiler?
<yeyey> whats that?



#42009 (http://www.bash.org/?42009) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=42009)(356)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=42009) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=42009)
<cheesewad> I want to take nunchuck lessons so when I go to jail I can bust out with the soap on a roap and beat up all those ass ****ers.
<Allen4> What are you going to jail for?
<cheesewad> stealing soap on a rope.



#51025 (http://www.bash.org/?51025) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=51025)(153)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=51025) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=51025)
<ilovebeer> dont hate just cuz i fuked ur gurl
* GBL|DJ_Huxtable thinks......socrates.........can you even get a gurl?
<Socrates> hey yeah... ilovebeer i dont even have a girl.. so how can you fuk her....
<Socrates> gg i win
<Socrates> kinda...



#375160 (http://www.bash.org/?375160) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=375160)(232)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=375160) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=375160)
<Syko>Anyway, I'm gonna play some Simpsons :P
* Syko is now known as Syko-****nRun
<Syko-****nRun> oh ****
* Syko-****nRun is now known as Syko-HitnRun



#540470 (http://www.bash.org/?540470) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=540470)(1659)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=540470) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=540470)
SMB61890: have u heard bout that earthquake stuff under the sea
Fairies Exist90: no is ariel ok?
SMB61890: i dont kno how to spell the name of it
Fairies Exist90: and king triton?
SMB61890: what?
Fairies Exist90: and sebastian?
Fairies Exist90: and flounder?
Fairies Exist90: ARE THEY OK?!

[Belmit]

#621022 (http://www.bash.org/?621022) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=621022)(2421)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=621022) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=621022)
<Andrew> woot
<Andrew> I just used my mastercard for the first time
<Andrew> I'm a man now.
<debian_> what u buy
<Andrew> purse


Haha!

[leowyatt]

<Brynneh|w3rk> im doing my girlfriend all weekend
<Brynneh|w3rk> lol whoops
<Penfold> doesnt stop
<Brynneh|w3rk> *doing stuff
<Brynneh|w3rk> *doing stuff with
<Cavey> I shall mention that quote to her when I next se her
<Brynneh|w3rk> that was the mother of all typos


<Batty> Euch, rap is just missing one letter. c.
<zeep> rapc?
<Batty> ...
<Batty> Crap you idiot. you put the c on the other end
<zeep> oic
<Batty> Though you could also say it's missing an e
<zeep> wtf is erap?
* Batty bangs his head repeatedly against a wall

#16766 +(123)- [X]
<Grim13> Mariah Carey's cleavage got nominated for "Worst onscreen couple"

#22459 +(434)- [X]
<Chucklez|afk> sweet merciful jeesus
<Chucklez|afk> smells like melting plastic in my room
<Ranged> you called?
<Chucklez|afk> I said sweet merciful jesus... not hey dumb little punk bitch
<Ranged> oh
<Ranged> my bad

#34662 +(1041)- [X]
(TRANCEBOY) But i'm joining the reserves.
(TRANCEBOY) Airborne Infantry
(^BiAnCoOcH^) really so da airforce in other words
(TRANCEBOY) No not the airforce,
(TRANCEBOY) Airforce is flying F16 jets etc.
(TRANCEBOY) Airborne infantry is ground combat deployed from black hawks, hueys, chinooks,
(^BiAnCoOcH^) hmmm ok den caause i understood dat but n e way
(TRANCEBOY) Ok Bianca, i'll put it in your terms.
(TRANCEBOY) Me and Cletus run around dem bushes looking for dem charlies and we's get put there by those dang cars with wings ya hear?

#11439 +(430)- [X]
<adr> if kashmir gets nuked we won't have any soft wool sweaters any more
<TS> thats cashmere you tool

;D ;D ;D

[Tak]

#11439 +(430)- [X]
<adr> if kashmir gets nuked we won't have any soft wool sweaters any more
<TS> thats cashmere you tool

;D ;D ;D

*Coughspluttercough* ;D ;D ;D

[Nutcase]

These are too funny :D And brighten up a frankly **** week, thanks :)

[Garp]

#761414 +(3570)- [X]

SergioThree: there's other fish in the sea, man, she's just a girl
Beatsfromkorea: no dude, that's bull****.
Beatsfromkorea: Think of it this way. if your precious copy of street fighter third strike broke and i told you "it's ok man, there's other games in the sea. here, play mortal kombat instead" what would you say? you'd be like, "**** that, gimme third strike."
SergioThree: ...
SergioThree: you just reached me on a level that i never thought possible

So true.. so true..

[leowyatt]

<@HEMI> I got in a car accident on the way home from work.
<@HEMI> I rear-ended someone.
<@HEMI> Guy gets out of his car; I get out of mine. He's a dwarf.
<@HEMI> We're sitting there waiting for the police to arrive and he goes, "I'm not happy."
<@HEMI> I said, "so which one are you?"

[Feek]

*snigger*

[Belmit]

#14207 (http://www.bash.org/?14207) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=14207)(7439)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=14207) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=14207)
<h|tler> HOW THE **** CAN YOU TELL THAT I'M 13 BY LOOKING AT WHAT I'M WRITEING?????????????????????????????????????????? ???????????



#291262 (http://www.bash.org/?291262) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=291262)(6438)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=291262) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=291262)
<Mendo> lmao there's a wicked lookign spider on my monitor and if i move the mouse around he chases after it
<spitfire> haha mendo
<spitfire> take a screen shot
<spitfire> wait
<spitfire> that made no sense



#573260 (http://www.bash.org/?573260) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=573260)(1426)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=573260) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=573260)
<wenko> today in java the prof asked the class for a simple iterator where we can use some math
<wenko> so this one guy pipes up and says "Make it an address book, and It will calcuate the percentage of girls that slept with you"
<wenko> the prof looks up and says "I can't do that", meaning its not appropriate
<wenko> so the guy yells back "why not?"
<wenko> and the first thing that came to mind i said "You get an error when you divide by zero"

Edit:

#703138 (http://www.bash.org/?703138) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=703138)(2717)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=703138) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=703138)
<sd> I was once trying to explain to an exec why his account would never be absolutely secure.
<sd> Me: "If somebody wants your account information badly enough, he's going to get it. He doesn't have to hack the system, he can just get it from you."
<sd> Exec: "That's crazy, I'd never give anyone my password."
<sd> Me: "Imagine you come home and find someone's broken in. He's got a gun to your daughter's head, and he tells you he's going to shoot in ten seconds if you don't give him your password. What would you do?"
<sd> Exec: [long pause] ... Which daughter?
<sd> To this day I still don't know if he was joking. But I no longer use that example.

[Garp]

#694821 +(1650)- [X]
<Telius> Nobody escapes the Spanish Inquisition!
<codepoet> \S\p\a\n\i\s\h\ \I\q\u\i\s\i\t\i\o\n

*Geeky laugh*

[Daz]

Love that one :D

[Dr. Z]

bash.org consumed hundreds of hours of my life last time I visited it...

..here we go again!


#14258 +(6032)- [X]

<Sigurd> a sprite is anything not static
<SRElysian> a sprite is a variable object
<SRElysian> be it 2d or 3d
<TorMuck> a sprite is a f*****g soda
<TorMuck> you god damn geekass bastards

EDIT:

Comedy Gold:

#9081 +(5833)- [X]

Spin: arrrr, pirates of the south west
Spin: thar be large pipes o'bandwith near ye'ol univarsety.
Pirate: yearg, ye may be an ta somethan thar.
Spin: what say ye we pull yonder USB hard disk longside yonder NMSU puter and begin tha lutin and plunderin.
Pirate: yearg. The master done gaved me a testin machine with a grand ol CDR.
Pirate: Avast!
Pirate: MP3s off the starboard bow!
Spin: stere clear of ye porn pop ups rollin in from tha east.
Pirate: I have mah trusty Opera browsa to help me fend em off.
Spin: encrypt the data holds, batton down thar security patches, argh thar be spyware abound.

[semi-pro waster]

#759367 +(635)- [X]

Coff:We should bring rain ponchoes back. Problem Solved.
Cyg:New Problem: I don't want to look like a homeless wizard.


#765730 +(534)- [X]

<Cell>: i heard tupac was hung like a horse
<Kleptomaniac>: Tupac was shot, he wasn't hung. Read the news sometime.

I think these have to be my favourites for the sheer brilliant simplicity involved but some of the more surreal ones are fantastic too. :D

[Stan_Lite]

#126218 +(7332)- [X]
<WiLdSeXyPrInCeSs> i luv guyz where would they be wifout us gals???
<XeNoX> Still in the Garden Of Eden you gullible bitch.

#136524 +(7091)- [X]
<Raven> I tried setting my hotmail password to penis.
<Raven> It said my password wasn't long enough. :(

#376790 +(6458)- [X]
Mike3285: wtf is a palindrome
MaroonSand: no its not dude

#1730 +(6168)- [X]
<Mikkel> If you went camping and you got REALLY drunk with your friend and you
woke up the next morning with a condom stuck up your ass would you tell anybody?
<Celestya> i dont think so
<Mikkel> Wanna go camping?

#424487 +(6153)- [X]
JstWnnaHveFuN08: do you think i should call a guy friend and talk to him about my problems? or will he not care?
Thilo: Here's how it works: if a guy helps you with your problems, you're obligated to give him a blowjob.
JstWnnaHveFuN08: lol thanks that cheered me up
Thilo: No problem. That'll be one blowjob please.

#3936 +(5555)- [X]
<+kritical> christin: you need to learn how to figure out stuff yourself..
<+Christin1> how do i do that

#197845 +(5329)- [X]
<SRG> Metallica sold out in 45 mins :/
<NotOneOfUs> Yeah I know.
<NotOneOfUs> Oh wait
<NotOneOfUs> You mean, like, a concert?
<SRG> yes

#492775 +(5022)- [X]
Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

#274826 +(4859)- [X]
<aryov> This cake is soooo good
<aryov> it's like sex, except I'm having it

#479067 +(4803)- [X]
Scud: The other day, in the park, I was wondering why frisbees look bigger and bigger as they get closer to you
Scud: And then it hit me

#734797 +(4648)- [X]
<Malagmyr> This linguistics professor was lecturing the class.
<Malagmyr> "In English," he explained, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative."
<Malagmyr> "However," the professor continued, "there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."
<Malagmyr> Immediately, a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah..... right...."

#210766 +(4558)- [X]
<Casey8> Diana Ross' husband died
<Tarrier> how
<Casey8> fell while climbing in South Africa or something
<JennAway> that's sad
<Bubbaprog> i guess there is a mountain high enough

#347115 +(1390)- [X]
<tRonz0r> I'm $4 poorer, 1 bandanna richer and I still don't look like a pirate
<tRonz0r> yarrrrrr, tis a sad day.


I have way too much time on my hands :embarassed:

[Nutcase]

I can relate to this one:

#5273 +(26650)- [X]

<erno> hm. I've lost a machine.. literally _lost_. it responds to ping, it works completely, I just can't figure out where in my apartment it is.


#262417 +(7434)- [X]

<_kr4m3r> so many ****ing criminals, its bull****
<foniks`> heh, if we sent all the criminals to some empty continent and just left them there to die
<foniks`> and showed up like 50yrs later like, "sup?"
<foniks`> whatd u think they'd say?
<FoSZoR[bg]> something along the lines of, "G`Day mate"

[Tak]

*Giggles*

#406373 +(8209)- [X]

<[TN]FBMachine> i got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section


Edit:
#367808 +(4413)- [X]

*** Zeron is now known as you
* you farted.
* you sigh in frustration.
* you lose
* you suck at life
*** Wildfyre is now known as our
* Goblin_Leecher thinks you need a life
* our conversation is entirely too weird
*** Goblin_Leecher is now known as we
* we are going stir crazy
* you are going a little too far
* our laughter fills the offices nearby.
* you are fired.
* we need new jobs
* you agree
* you wonder when this madness will end
* we are not sane
* you are correct
* our sanity has left?
<Talathar> you know...if a sane person were to walk in here...they'd be very very confused right about now...
* you are one with the matrix.

;D ;D ;D

[Joe 90]

<fileface> can someone help me with my IDENTIFY, i forgot my pass
<fileface> any opers alive?
<cd> me
<cd> type: /quit i am gay
<fileface> Y?
<cd> cos it will fix your password
<cd> it will set it to 'iamanidiot'
»» quits fileface (Thug4life@c47s127h6.upc.chello.no) (Quit: i am gay «~{Polaris IRC}~» v2.04)

rofl

[Stan_Lite]

One for Daz ;)

#10947 +(333)- [X]

<@Drezdar> This summer I'm gonna buy a DDR pad. I figure I can kill three birds with one stone by doing this: 1) play a game, 2) exercise, 3) swear off heterosexuality for good.

And another random one.

#11073 +(435)- [X]

<SpunOne> To The Taliban:
<SpunOne> Give US Osama Bin Laden or we'll send your women to college.
<nersh> To the US:
<nersh> Leave us alone or we, the Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers.

[Will]

Some ****ing brilliant ones there! :D I love the offensive ones the most - does that make me a bad person?! :p ;D

[Will]

Hurrah! I've always wanted to be a bad boy! :D

[Kell_ee001]

;D ;D ;D

Some really excellent ones there but my fav (just a head of a couple of others) had to be "Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing..." :D

[Feek]

Some crackers there.

[Belmit]

Hehe, top of the 'latest' list:

#785529 (http://www.bash.org/?785529) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=785529)(339)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=785529) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=785529)
gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern".

[Davey_Pitch]

Hehe, top of the 'latest' list:

#785529 (http://www.bash.org/?785529) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=785529)(339)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=785529) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=785529)
gazz: A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern".
Heheheh, very good, I like that one :D

[mejinks]

#329409 (http://www.bash.org/?329409) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&rox=329409)(6181)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&sox=329409) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&sux=329409)
<benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
<benja> The survey was a huge failure...
<benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
<benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
<benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
<benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
<benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
<benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
<benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

#212775 (http://www.bash.org/?212775) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&rox=212775)(6174)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&sox=212775) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=d92eef76352a7becfc724666e6e03800&sux=212775)
Primus521: hey dude the funniest thing happened to me today
Primus521: im at walmart and this chick is buying a box of tampons and they are missing the upc and wont ring up
Primus521: so the cashier tells his buddy to get a price check on tampax
Primus521: the dude looks at him and says, "the kind u push in, or the kind you hammer in?"
Primus521: lol
Primus521: turns out he misheard him
Primus521: he thought he said thumbtacs
Primus521: you should have seen the look on the chicks face
Primus521: omfg
Primus521: til the day i die
Primus521: i will never forget it

[Belmit]

#50174 (http://www.bash.org/?50174) + (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&rox=50174)(362)- (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sox=50174) [X] (http://www.bash.org/?le=933586d6a9ea71aae7944655785e9008&sux=50174)
<schnorks> One time I used a sock as a glove.
<Rivorus> One time i used a glove for a condom.
<schnorks> ...
<Rivorus> okay... five times



:D

[leowyatt]

Holy thread resurrection batman!!!

#869602 +(1492)- [X]
< Lapkawitz> and you can tell she's really japanese becase her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

#867713 +(998)- [X]
<Devildrake> www.meatspin.com
-About 3 minutes later-
<Yodo> Woot 1000 spins
<Yodo> This game needs highscore table and ingame chat
<Devildrake> Dude wtf, it's a shock site, not a game...
<Yodo> Oh...

#865098 +(1346)- [X]
<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes" them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years ****ting myself and learning how to speak and learn my ABCs

#864128 +(1725)- [X]
<TAURiNE> i guess Dafreakzo and distressp are twins who were seperated in the hospital
<distressp> don't **** around
<distressp> i was adopted
<distressp> i live in constant fear of accidentally ****ing a relative

#860040 +(4774)- [X]
<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

#854899 +(1522)- [X]
<MugsyDaFish> i was peeing on the building and a cop rolls up on his bike
<MugsyDaFish> i told him, i hope you're not going to arrest me cuz i don't think ill be able to sit on the handlebars
<MugsyDaFish> i almost went to jail for that

#853345 +(1552)- [X]
<DaMouse> HP should make weaponry
<zid`> nah
<zid`> the ammo would cost more than the gun

#850065 +(4680)- [X]
<N> which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
<Joker> Neither.
<Joker> Because it's twelve.

[PvtPyle]

This thread fails completely, because no one has posted anything about putting on one's robe and wizard's hat.

Obeserve!

#104383 +(12237)- [X]

bloodninja: Baby, I been havin a tough night so treat me nice aight?
BritneySpears14: Aight.
bloodninja: Slip out of those pants baby, yeah.
BritneySpears14: I slip out of my pants, just for you, bloodninja.
bloodninja: Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: Oh, I like to play dress up.
bloodninja: Me too baby.
BritneySpears14: I kiss you softly on your chest.
bloodninja: I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.
BritneySpears14: Hey...
bloodninja: I meditate to regain my mana, before casting Lvl. 8 chicken of the Infinite.
BritneySpears14: Funny I still don't see it.
bloodninja: I spend my mana reserves to cast Mighty F*ck of the Beyondness.
BritneySpears14: You are the worst cyber partner ever. This is ridiculous.
bloodninja: Don't f*ck with me bitch, I'm the mightiest sorcerer of the lands.
bloodninja: I steal yo soul and cast Lightning Lvl. 1,000,000 Your body explodes into a fine bloody mist, because you are only a Lvl. 2 Druid.
BritneySpears14: Don't ever message me again you piece of ****.
bloodninja: Robots are trying to drill my brain but my lightning shield inflicts DOA attack, leaving the robots as flaming piles of metal.
bloodninja: King Arthur congratulates me for destroying Dr. Robotnik's evil army of Robot Socialist Republics. The cold war ends. Reagan steals my accomplishments and makes like it was cause of him.
bloodninja: You still there baby? I think it's getting hard now.
bloodninja: Baby?
--------------
BritneySpears14: Ok, are you ready?
eminemBNJA: Aight, yeah I'm ready.
BritneySpears14: I like your music Em... Tee hee.
eminemBNJA: huh huh, yeah, I make it for the ladies.
BritneySpears14: Mmm, we like it a lot. Let me show you.
BritneySpears14: I take off your pants, slowly, and massage your muscular physique.
eminemBNJA: Oh I like that Baby. I put on my robe and wizard hat.
BritneySpears14: What the f*ck, I told you not to message me again.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
BritneySpears14: I swear if you do it one more time I'm gonna report your ISP and say you were sending me kiddie porn you f*ck up.
eminemBNJA: Oh ****
eminemBNJA: damn I gotta write down your names or something

-----------------------------

Also just found these two, dunno if they are the same guy, but they cracked me up...


I.F.: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I can keep it ready for you.
jap_gurli: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
I.F.: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
jap_gurli: haha, ok lets go.
jap_gurli: : i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the neck.
I.F.: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that you are in my breeding territory.
jap_gurli: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
jap_gurli: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
I.F.: : Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
jap_gurli: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part of the game.
I.F.: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge your ass.
jap_gurli: stop, cmon be serious.
I.F.: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.
I.F.: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough skinned feet.
jap_gurli: thats it.
I.F.: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like some phallic symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as skulls collide and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll suspended in the air on my mighty horn.
I.F.: Goddam am I hard now.

-she signed off...-


I.F.: I lick your earlobe, and undo your watch.
Jenny20fny: mmmm, okay.
I.F.: I take yo pants off, grunting like a troll.
Jenny20fny: Yeah I like it rough.
I.F.: I smack you thick booty.
Jenny20fny: Oh yeah, that feels good.
I.F.: Smack, Smack, yeeeaahhh.
I.F.: I make some toast and eat it off your ass. Land O' Lakes butter all in your crack. Mmmm.
Jenny20fny: you like that?
I.F.: I peel some bananas.
Jenny20fny: Oh, what are you gonna do with those?
I.F.: get me peanuts. Peanuts from the ballpark.
Jenny20fny: Peanuts?
I.F.: Ken Griffey Jr. Yeaaaaahhh.
Jenny20fny: What are you talking about?
I.F.: I'm spent, I jump down into the alley and smoke a fatty. I throw rocks at the cats.
Jenny20fny: This is stupid.
I.F.: Stone Cold Steve Austin gives me some beer.
I.F.: Wanna Wrestle Stone Cold?
I.F.: Yeeaahhhh.
Jenny20fny: /ignore
I.F.: Its cool stone cold she was a #@%$! anyway.
I.F.: We get on tricycles and ride into the sunset

-She blocked me...-

[Flibster]

Possibly my favourite.

#111338 +(13651)- [X]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

[Stan_Lite]

Repost

Read post #9 - noob :p

[Daz]

I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work
jap_gurli: stop, cmon be serious.
I.F.: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.


;D;D

[Wellington]

yay they were all great, cheered my afternoon up :)

[Wossi]

#738918 +(1842)- [X]

<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<linforcer> no
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<linforcer> Sure
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
5) ??????
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!

:D

[Belmit]

Superb!

[Wellington]

#834654 +(5079)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: Keith dodged a serious bullet thanks to his massive stupidity.
Opium: Hmm?
lemonlimeskull: Well, as you may know he lost his license months ago
lemonlimeskull: So he's been biking everywhere, which has lead to him losing a bunch of weight
lemonlimeskull: He bikes to Walmart today and as soon as he gets to the electronics department, realizes his wallet's fallen out, probably somewhere along the highway.
lemonlimeskull: So he takes the memory card he wanted, puts it up in his baggy sleeve, and goes to leave.
killjay: Uh oh
lemonlimeskull: Yeah.
lemonlimeskull: Naturally, security stops him as he gets within 5 feet of the front doors. This huge obese woman who is obviously having a really bad day - or just hates her job.
killjay: o ****
lemonlimeskull: She stops him, GRABS his arm, RIPS up his sleeve, and WRENCHES the card out of his hand.
lemonlimeskull: He knows he's screwed so he starts crying in the middle of the ****ing store. He cries all the way back to the security office, and everyone's staring at him the whole way.
Opium: So he's sitting in jail right now
lemonlimeskull: That's the awesome part. The manager takes a look at him, notices the bike helmet, poorly fitting clothes, lack of any ID whatsoever, and the fact that he's crying like a three year old.
killjay: .... -_-
lemonlimeskull: Yes. He was let go and the security woman got chewed out for hurting a "retarded kid".

;D

[Chuckles]

Does this sound familiar PP? :D

<Wellhung> Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
<Sweetheart> I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
<Wellhung> I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
<Sweetheart> I want you.Would you like to screw me?
<Wellhung> OK
<Sweetheart> We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
<Wellhung> I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
<Sweetheart> I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
<Wellhung> Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
<Sweetheart> I'm moaning softly.
<Wellhung> I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
<Sweetheart> I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
<Wellhung> My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
<Sweetheart> That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
<Wellhung> I'll pay for it.
<Sweetheart> Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
<Wellhung> I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
<Sweetheart> I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
<Wellhung> How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
<Sweetheart> I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
<Wellhung> I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
<Sweetheart> I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
<Wellhung> I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
<Sweetheart> What?
<Wellhung> I'm so sorry. Really.
<Sweetheart> I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
<Wellhung> I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
<Sweetheart> OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
<Wellhung> I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
<Sweetheart> I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
<Wellhung> I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
<Sweetheart> What's the matter?
<Wellhung> I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
<Sweetheart> Are you OK?
<Wellhung> I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
<Sweetheart> Can I help?
<Wellhung> I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
<Sweetheart> In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
<Wellhung> I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
<Sweetheart> Come back to me, lover.
<Wellhung> I'm washing the cup now.
<Sweetheart> I'm on the bed arching for you.
<Wellhung> I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
<Sweetheart> Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
<Wellhung> I found it.
<Sweetheart> I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
<Wellhung> Me too.
<Sweetheart> Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
<Wellhung> Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
<Sweetheart> Why don't you take off your glasses?
<Wellhung> OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
<Sweetheart> I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
<Wellhung> I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
<Sweetheart> Hurry back, lover.
<Wellhung> I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
<Sweetheart> I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
<Wellhung> I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
<Sweetheart> What's the matter now?
<Wellhung> I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
<Sweetheart> Mmm, yes. Come on.
<Wellhung> OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
<Sweetheart> Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
<Wellhung> I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
<Sweetheart> I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
<Wellhung> I'm flaccid.
<Sweetheart> What?
<Wellhung> I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
<Sweetheart> I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
<Wellhung> I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
<Sweetheart> No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
<Wellhung> No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
<Sweetheart> I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
<Wellhung> I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
<Sweetheart> Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
<Wellhung> Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

[Daz]

Bahahaha ;D

[semi-pro waster]

That's genius, some people have way too much time and imagination. ;D

[leowyatt]

#115 +(6248)- [X]
<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta :D
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

#823214 +(6228)- [X]
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the ****ing **** out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he ****ing had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you ****ing killed McGuyver!

#764876 +(6149)- [X]
Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing ever.

#492775 +(5778)- [X]

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

#4780 +(5745)- [X]
<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

#803904 +(5573)- [X]
<Kuiper> Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
<kikuichimonji> Why does it seem like every time you join this channel, you end up talking about the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather.
<kikuichimonji> I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
<kikuichimonji> Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
<Kuiper> I'm a meteorologist.

#12318 +(5402)- [X]

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

#4488 +(5342)- [X]

<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
<FM{FF1}> ...men.
<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.

[Haly]

;D Some of those are brilliant :D

[leowyatt]

#146994 +(151)- [X]
<Monkey> Won't you take me to Funky Town?

<triple6> I'm not going that way, sorry.

#82056 +(753)- [X]
(bovril): amsterdam is officially the best place ever

(doggie^): how stoned did you get?
(bovril): as stoned as an adulterous arab woman

39177 +(485)- [X]
<Ak> Today, a blind man who was begging for change addressed me as I walked past.

<Ak> I gave him a quarter, and he said "thank you kind sir"

<Ak> then, he asked me what time it was, so out of habit, i held up my watch.

<Ak> He said, "11:56? Thanks buddy."

#62842 +(234)- [X]
<CharCoal69> am I the only one who puts special plugs in all my outlets so that the electricity doesn't leak out?

#217923 +(698)- [X]
[RJoeFish] hmmm
[RJoeFish] my mom forwarded me something called
'Who's your daddy?', this can't be good

#609240 +(1384)- [X]
< plasmadis> One time my dad stole a roll of brightly-colored stickers from a butcher's counter that said "BREASTS" and went to the video store and stuck them on all the movies that looked likely to contain nudity.

#652221 +(553)- [X]
<lunchbox> so get this

<lunchbox> i delivered pizza to the Microshaft building today but I couldn't park close to the door because they have all these fancy picnic tables out back for their employees

<lunchbox> so they're standing there watching me carry all these pizzas to them and I finally get to the door and they stiff me. nothing.

<fallingdogs> are you surprised?

<lunchbox> next time they order I'm going to send them a bunch of empty boxes

<lunchbox> and write stop messages inside

<lunchbox> "0x0000000A" ...

<lunchbox> "INVALID_PROCESS_ATTACH_TIP"

#7630 +(1049)- [X]
<XxChesterxX> who here uses a dildough
<Solidus> only when i'm making some dilbread

#737114 +(130)- [X]
<JeighEighm> Tauren, why don't you just sniff the packets and find out?
<Tauren> how do i DO THAT?

<Tauren> how* do I sniff packets

<JeighEighm> Tauren, okay. It's easy. Get your network cable.

<Tauren> How do I sniff?

<JeighEighm> Hold it to your nose.

<JeighEighm> Inhale.

<JeighEighm> Smell those packets.

#351029 +(1214)- [X]
<Raiks> Has anyone got their 'Violence Against Women: Australia Says No' booklets yet?

<Sweep> i have raiks

<Natus> i have too

<Raiks> My girlfriend opened it and got a paper cut from it, and then belted me for laughing at her

#801688 +(517)- [X]
Shinryuu: I think I just heard the worst local news pun ever.
Shinryuu: "No, it's not a cartoon, It's Felix the Cat 5 Hurricane."

#8896 +(160)- [X]
<StoneTear> damn i'm hot 

<StoneTear> i smell like barbequed eliteness

#77022 +(506)- [X]
<Kevyn> God it's ****ing cold out. The temperature in Massachusetts has dipped into the teens more than R Kelly.

#831678 +(877)- [X]
<xsphere> dude, josh was struck by a genius yesterday

<xsphere> it's fo funny you wouldn't believe man

<xsphere> so we're walking down the street right

<xsphere> and out of nowhere comes this black kid running
<xsphere> and one of those rent-a-coppers chasing him

<xsphere> as he's passing by josh sticks his foot up and trips him

<xsphere> turns over to me

<xsphere> and with an oscar deserving dead pan face says

<xsphere> "another one ****ed by the NPCs"

<xsphere> hahaha

[Kell_ee001]

#22796 +(619)- [X]

<Boogieman> I run my fingers up your left thigh
<Boogieman> oops, uhh, wrong channel
<Status> LOL!!
<Boogieman> forget you ever saw that
<Status> Gee, now would be a great time to take that new screenshot...
* Boogieman glances around nervously
<Asmodi> rofl, boogieman, what cha doin?
<Boogieman> certainly not trying to have permiscuous sex with cyber strangers, thats for sure


#449622 +(212)- [X]

<Miharu> you know you're asleep when you put your jeans on backwards.
<Kriss> That, or Kriss Kross..

[Kell_ee001]

1 more... just for Will...

#221380 +(57)- [X]

<Wingzy> crud, you should come to windsor some day
<crudmonky> Wingzy: i would, but i have recurring nightmares that i might find myself stuck in canada
<crudmonky> and a sole frenchman armed with just a white flag would invade and win

[leowyatt]

#245030 +(606)- [X]
<rAJ> wooo, i had sex tonight :D
* pikkle holds back another "my mom" joke
<pikkle> argh. YOUR mom, not mine. :(

#272726 +(2324)- [X]
[brianh] smaller boobs are cool
(Akira1) hmm
[brianh] like the kind that 8 year old girls have
[brianh] 18
[brianh] I ****ing meant 18
(Akira1) hahaha

78512 +(213)- [X]
<+dementia^> they should have reality tv program on that is actually funny.
<+dementia^> called "ima noob get me out of here" and make them use linux for a week

#105761 +(175)- [X]
<MrSaturn> google dosent seem to be working. when i press the "i'm feeling lucky" button i'm left unsatisfied

#289218 +(4699)- [X]
<Cedaie> Your ignorance isn't helping.
<@KTottE> How am I ignorant?
<Cedaie> <@KTottE> Do it again, do it right - Ooh great help *clap* *clap*
<@KTottE> http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ignorant
<@KTottE> Maybe the word you were searching for was http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=arrogant ?
<Cedaie> yeah thats the one
<Cedaie> Your arrogance isn't helping,
<@KTottE> Neither is your ignorance

#484721 +(1907)- [X]
BonusStageInBed: let me spell it out for you
BonusStageInBed: ES
BonusStageInBed: EL
BonusStageInBed: OH
BonusStageInBed: DOUBLE U
blonde4u: slouu?

5874 +(682)- [X]
<Synoptica> having some major sound issues with gta
<Synoptica> cant think of why either
<bytraper> prolly because your gay
<Synoptica> yeah that's right
<Synoptica> gta has detected that i'm gay and adjusted it's performance accordingly

#17291 +(1006)- [X]
<Isajeep> in fotr when gandalf first goes to see that other gay wizard what does he first say to him?
<NickBlasta> stfu noob
<Setzer> stfu noob
<CRC> he says: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
<CRC> we should get the script to LOTR and make it l33t
<DC4ever> CRC - and then add subtitles to the avi of it, and rename it "L0rd of teh r1ngz0rs!"
<CRC> legolas: chex0r this out! *stabs orc in eye with arrow* LOL! di3 f00l! *shoots another orc with arrow* pwned!
<[H]Slacker> divx?
<NickBlasta> orc: CHEATER CHEATER WALLHACK!!1
<CRC> (when pippin/merry/whichever the **** knocks the armor down the well) Gandalf: omg, noob!

#189871 +(768)- [X]
<rade> so have u got a tree up yet?
<Selexion> like a file tree?
<Selexion> ?
<rade> a christmas tree..

#277906 +(871)- [X]
ZolaOnAOL: You can't judge a book by its cover.
DrRocksicle: you can if it has no pages

#444942 +(396)- [X]
<Colby> Some people are like Slinkys. They don't really do anything, but it's still funny when one of them takes a tumble down the stairs.

[Pheebs]

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language


HAHAHAHAHAHAH ;D ;D ;D ;D

I have been roffling at this thread this morning but this one... I absolutely pee'd myself laughing! My building came in too and I was rolling about on the floor with tears streaming from my face!

So funny! Bahahahahahaha!

[Wellington]

#644835 +(1504)- [X]

<Blabber> i just started working out, to get me some muscle and feel confident
<Blabber> so after the first time, i come home and look at myself in the mirror
<Blabber> to see if there is already improvement
<Blabber> my mom steps in and says "you look good enough to play in a warmovie"
<Blabber> so she boosts my confidence and i say thx! like a sergeant you mean?
<Blabber> and i swear to god then she says: no like a concentration camp victim
<Blabber> she left the room laughing her ass off...

ROFL!!!

[Tak]

#444942 +(396)- [X]
<Colby> Some people are like Slinkys. They don't really do anything, but it's still funny when one of them takes a tumble down the stairs.

;D

[Kell_ee001]

#73191 +(441)- [X]

<xoiprocs> it all started when my mother took my bike away cuz i murdered my guinei pig and stuck him in the microwave
<obi`> haha
<obi`> i put my dog in the microwave once
<obi`> but i didn't press the button
<obi`> i just wanted to see if he would fit
<obi`> ...just in case
<xoiprocs> ok..
<obi`> you're the one that killed your guinea pig


#74147 +(551)- [X]

<@cray> ^^_
<@cray> oh ****
<@cray> picasso smilies
<@cray> ^_^


#8218 +(362)- [X]

<DotSPF> just got myself a sh*tload more lesbo porn
<killck> good?
<DotSPF> damn they have so much more fun when we're not around


#48776 +(386)- [X]

<lalaloo> hjey ,anmyone her hagve a dell/
<MgicMastr> You really should take that dick out of your mouth when you speak.

#15570 +(303)- [X]

<piglet3> [info] #gaysm5 Don't f*&% with the topic PIG
<piglet3> They are into homosexual sadomasochism, but they can't bring themselves to spell out `f***'.


#219349 +(1303)- [X]

<myliw0rk> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
<myliw0rk> This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

#35916 +(713)- [X]

<Crimson_Dynamo> If I were stranded on a desert isle, I think I would make a girl out of coconuts, but she'd probably just want to be friends

#45974 +(149)- [X]

<Shuzin> Stupid junk e-mail.
<Shuzin> Why would I want to get the porn OFF my PC when I bought all that film and went to all the trouble of hiding in the bushes?

#50932 +(309)- [X]

*** Joins: Canadianpirate (java@=YEpe33-53-450-851.om.om.cox.net)
<@Oshi> Eyarrr, eh?


#449313 +(1613)- [X]

<MystMan> you followed me!! you freaky stalker!
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> I am not a stalker
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> btw, you're out of milk


#281780 +(1194)- [X]

<MrRoboto1024>she said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink.
<MrRoboto1024>she didnt seem happy :(
<MrRoboto1024>i just dont understand women.


#615496 +(1872)- [X]

<Rebbel> Man Google Earth is awesome
<Android18> Why?
<Rebbel> Im looking at my house
<Rebbel> brb, pizzas here
<BFMV> Now thats what i call technology

#39310 +(485)- [X]

<PrincessLeia2> once i climbed on the roof at my old (upstairs) apartment and climbed in through a window when I didnt have my keys
<Shell Gh0st> I use to do that
<Shell Gh0st> you had a nice apartment

#82120 +(448)- [X]

(Elim) bah had to do finals today....finals there like sex, i get done to quick, and i sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong...

#155158 +(298)- [X]

<+Coneja> and something about clitorises i dreamt last night
<+Coneja> a talking clitoris
<+Coneja> that's what it was
<+kevin> hahahahaah
< geekster> a talking clit... that would scare the utter **** out of you
<+preacha> geekster: it would probably diss you
<+preacha> "goddamn, you're doing it all wrong"
<+preacha> "oh look at you, big stud, she looks bored as ****"
<+preacha> "hey, i think you've forgotten about something........ME!"

#656312 +(1399)- [X]

<Razhal> The internet is a beautiful place....
<Razhal> Because no matter what kind of twisted freak you are, you've got a friend out there :D
<Razhal> You could ask the internet "Find people who have sex with goats on fire."
<Razhal> And internet will ask you, "What kind of goats?"

#52337 +(372)- [X]

* webby_g well chuffed now
<[smee]> lol
<[smee]> make me feel it, hurt me!
<DeuxVisage> guess this was the wrong time to walk in on a conversation
<DeuxVisage> take your bondage elsewhere
<[smee]> i like her when she plays her dominatrix role
<webby_g> who?
<[smee]> you!
<webby_g> omg
<webby_g> YOU THINK IM FEMALE?


#8443 +(242)- [X]

<sisko> did you castrate jason for hiding the pron?
<Kaff> no. that would defeat the purpose.
<sisko> suppose so.
<Kaff> i just shook my fist a lot and said "grr"
<sisko> haha. and I suppose he was utterly intimidated
<Kaff> like a good husband, he's suitably scared of me.
<Kaff> he's seen me naked.

#540021 +(1443)- [X]

t3hraven: Holy **** somethings burning outside my window
t3hraven: brb
t3hraven: o, nm
t3hraven: it was a cloud going by my window
t3hraven: thought it was smoke :/
BILLLL: Go outside much, raven?
t3hraven: no :(
BILLLL: cuz those cloud things can be pretty tricky
t3hraven: shut up


#706281 +(2172)- [X]

TriPod11: bush ain't THAT bad...he kinda knows what he's doin
idaredbeet08: Please, Monica Lewenski had more President in her than George Bush ever will.

#482717 +(2959)- [X]

<Moonpie> one time, in middle school, some people let some pigs onto the campus. They painted on the pigs "1", "2", and "4". The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one.

#8492 +(162)- [X]

<KKKBitch> im making jason take me out for dinner !!%^&*)
<KKKBitch> i have my speech ready for when he walks in the door and all.
<Bayls> KK - What's your speech?
<KKKBitch> "if you take me out for dinner, i won't give you any of my PMT s*** - the end"
<KKKBitch> i used to say "if you take me out for dinner, i'll suck your dick" but he soon found that i was lying.

#400668 +(1400)- [X]

<@Weedums> You know the rodeo?
<@Weedums> When your doing a chick from behind then you say something to freak them out
<@Weedums> like your sister bit me in bed last night
<@Weedums> and she tries to get away?
<@Weedums> And you see how long you can stay on?
<QuickSilver> D:
<@Weedums> Well... the best thing to say is...
<QuickSilver> hmmmm
<QuickSilver> ?
<@Weedums> "I have ****ing siphilis bitch"
<QuickSilver> hahaha
<@Weedums> But when she said
<@Weedums> "oh I already have that"
<@Weedums> The game changed pretty quickly.


#88389 +(-4)- [X]

<Born_In_East_LA_2> We should tell all the now free Iraqi people about how France wanted them to remain under Hussein's rule, so that way they'll raise their kids to hate France instead of us.
<uni> Yeah :)
<kuribo> yeah
<kuribo> but then the iraqi kids will go to france and confront them
<kuribo> and france will surrender
<kuribo> and then france will become new iraq

#606023 +(1603)- [X]

<+Radial> i think my mother knows i watch porn
<+Radial> i can't tell...
<Tsukari> Are you a male?
<+Radial> i am
<Tsukari> She knows.

[Garp]

#257382 +(1899)- [X]

<Berawler> Is there any sanity or light left in this shrivelled husk of a world?
<SingingDancingMoose> There was, but we had to trade it in for the internet.
<Berawler> That is quite possibly the best response to any question ever.


#434593 +(10727)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

[leowyatt]

<Snakeman^Engineer> Do I sense some hatred towards Windows Vista originating from your direction?
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Oh no, not at all
* Chrysalid^Revenge stands up in a medieval recitation pose
<Chrysalid^Revenge> "OS X for the Mac users, pretentious in their coffeeshops
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Gentoo for the nerd-lords in their mother's basement
<Chrysalid^Revenge> XP for the everyday user, bound to muck around with bloody settings and registry values they should damn well leave alone
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Then Vista from the Dark Lord behind his desk
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy programming is performed
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to eat your RAM, One OS to spy on your digital media
<Chrysalid^Revenge> One OS to screw them all, and in frustration bind them
<Chrysalid^Revenge> In the Microsoft office, where crappy programming is performed"
<Sectoid^Authopsy> Whoa!

#41567 +(83)- [X]
<KonamiKid> kris, i'm gonna email you pictures of my wang
<zat> hah
<KonamiKid> it will have little eyes and a moustache drawn on it
<KonamiKid> but no stick on eyes/mustache...
<Kris> gee, thanks KK
<KonamiKid> i made that mistake once before...
<KonamiKid> i had to soak my cock in a glass of alcohol to get the sticker to come off

#514738 +(831)- [X]
< fook_> we had radiation alert drills in my HS, those were my favorite
< mofino> I thought you'd just enjoy it by now.
< sili> fook_: how do you hide from radiation? lead suit?
< mofino> fook, haha
< tag_> I'm not in highschool
< fook_> because its important to exit the school in an orderly fashion if the nuclea powerplant were to melt down
< tag_> which was even better
< tag_> fook_: Hahah
< fook_> sili: yeah, theres no way.
< fook_> our school was 15miles from the plant
< mofino> "But teacher my skin is melting..."
< mofino> "STAY IN LINE RICHARD!"