Stupid things people say at work

[BBx]

Put em here ;)

Beatrice just asked me.. 'how do I open a logo that is a pdf?'

Me: 'Open it in Photoshop'
Beatrice: 'Will that work?'
Me (thinking to self): 'why don't you try for yourself and see what frigging happens?!'
Me (what I actually said): 'Well Beatrice... I wouldn't have suggested it if it didn't work would I?' ;)

Meh!

BB x

[Admiral Huddy]

It's normally me that's says the stupid things tbh :D

[iCraig]

"I thought a website was the modern word for a computer screen."

You know what, I don't think it's a good idea for you to have a website just yet.

[Daz]

'Can you release restrictions so I can send a larger email'

'How big?'

'120MB'

:|

[BBx]

'Can you release restrictions so I can send a larger email'

'How big?'

'120MB'

:|

:shocked:

IT love me... they are always calling me to delete stuff off my personal drive... the top 10 got an email and because I was no1 with over a Gig on my drive I also got a phonecall ;)

BB x

[Treefrog]

After taking a roller shutter door clean out of the channels with a 7.5 tonner: "I thought the door was up"

Health & Safety would have had kittens if they saw how we put it back together again! ;D

[Dr. Z]

I get asked the most ridiculous questions in work. Todays most stupid customer came up and asked me for a box so she could post a modem off to be repaired...

I came back with a box and went to put it through the till...

Her: "Oh, its not free?!"
Me: "No, its just like any other product"
Her: "Oh ok, but its a bit small"
Me: "Well what size do you want?"
*she gestures with her hands to about the size of a PC tower*
Me: "Oh, you mean a PC, not a modem?"
Her: "No no, just the modem"

...

The conversation went downhill from there. In the end she left with a roll of bubblewrap as we didn't have anything big enough for her in stock.

Other comedy goldmine customers involve things like being asked if the signal from a wireless router could be picked up in China.

While im on the subject, some knobber on the BBC has been spouting rubbish about how no matter what shop you go into, providing you pitch it right you *will* get a discount. Bollocks to that! Some guy came in this morning and wanted a £600 laptop and a £60 printer and absolutely wouldn't purchase them unless he got some form of discount.

After 10 minutes of this nonsensical "well whats the best price you can do" or "What percentages are we talking about here" with my answers being "£660" and "0%" he left spending more than he intended to in the first place - he bought a bag, a copy of Norton (why?!), cable, paper, ink, wireless mouse and all with absolutely no discount whatsoever.

[Belmit]

Best call I ever got:

Me: Helpdesk, Chris speaking.
Caller: Oh hi, I'm having trouble getting onto the network in halls.
Me: OK, are you in front of the computer right now?
Caller: No, I'm in Dagenham.

I didn't know what to do with that.

[mejinks]

:shocked:

IT love me... they are always calling me to delete stuff off my personal drive... the top 10 got an email and because I was no1 with over a Gig on my drive I also got a phonecall ;)

BB x

Lol, where I work, you would get e-mail one telling you that you went over limit, then 2 days to delete stuff otherwise it would be deleted from your personal drive.

I don't personally enforce it myself, I just run a script that tells me what files they haven't used for a while, burn it to CD and then tell them to delete the files. A pint of Magners is always bought for this :)

I can empathise with the e-mail one Daz. It depends on who Im talking to as to what the explanation is. Usually its "because you can't its not designed for files that large" Although I have once had to explain how SMTP works to get my point across.

I already have a good reason in place because we run Lotus notes, which is possibly the most mickey mouse POS software I have ever had the misfortune to work with. People just accept its crap and usually they just get me to burn the files to cd and send them in the post.

Having said that I've been asked "if the CD goes shiny side up" before now and I've been asked to fix a printer in the head of IT's office, to turn up and find out the printer isn't switched on. He then said "I bet you think Im a tool now" I said nothing and left stifling a laugh.

[Garp]

I've got some of the most rediculous ones, even as NOC (supposedly the top line of support.)

Sometimes I really wonder about customers that decide they're fit to have a server on the internet. I'm not meaning to be snooty, but the internet is one big security risk, for all its benefits. No one should ever have ANYTHING accessible on the internet 24x7 that doesn't know what they're doing. At that level there is no way I should have to answer questions like "What is a web server" or "What is a firewall", unfortunately I've had to answer that on numerous occasions.

Sadly probably 75% of our customers don't seem to adhere to that rule.

One classic customer kicked off a huge stink because their server got hacked. They blamed everyone and their mother about it, calling us incompetent morons and worse. After spending a few hours stepping through all the logs on the server I worked out exactly how it got hacked and did my best to ensure it was clean. I actually worked out how it got hacked in 2 minutes, sadly that's not an indication of intelligence, just an indication of how godawful they were with managing their server. It took me barely over a minute to log in, find the time some of the critical files had been written to the hard disk, navigate to the logs folder and ascertain that someone had logged in at the critical time as a particular user. It took me not much longer after that to ascertain that the password was identical to the username, which also happened to be the same as the domain name.

Oh yeah! ROCK ON, way to keep things nice and secure!

I've also had the very disappointing phone calls at 8 in the morning (I'll allow them the excuse of it being early)

"Claranet NOC, Paul speaking, how can I help?"
"Hi, our MPLS connection appears to be down at the moment, I was wondering if something was wrong at your end"
"Not according to our monitoring systems sir. Could you tell me what your username is?"
"xxxx@xxxx.uk.clara.net"
"Hmm.. that got disconnected at 6:30 last night. Okay, have you performed a kit check sir?"
"Kit check?"
"Yes sir, by that I mean turn the router off and back on, make sure all the cables are securely in place and so on."
"Bear with me a sec"
"Certainly sir.."

.. a minute passes..

"Hi, I've done a kit check"
"Sure, it looks like its logged in succesfully too"
"Yeah" *embarrased mumble* "cleaner" *mumble* "router unplugged" *mumble*

[mejinks]

Ha ha Garp, that reminds me of a classic:

When I worked on the BT connect helpdesk, we would have a regular call from a guy who had an ISDN router (provided by BT). It would regularly go down, but because he wanted it logged how many times it went down he would call every time. This one day he rang in and I asked him to do a few more checks than norm (like serial and production number as I wanted to get it changed out) anyway, he puts me on hold for about 10 minutes.

When he comes back he is a bit sheepish and tells me he managed to solve the problem of why it wasn't connecting today....














Someone had broken into his comms room and stolen all the kit including a new Compaq server....

[Darrin]

I work at Walmart as an overnight shelf stocker.

Customer #1 : Hi, can you tell me where the Duct tape is?

Me : *reaches over my shoulder and grabs a roll of Duct tape from the 6 foot high display*



Customer #2 : Hi, do you sell <insert item description>?

Me : You mean what's in your hand?

Customer #2 : *looking sheepish*


And the top one of all!!

Customer #3 : I CAN'T FIND MY CHILD!!

Me : Please try to calm down, what does the little tyke look like?

Customer #3 : *describes their child*

Me : Um, you mean the one that's asleep in your shopping trolley?

Customer #3 : *smacks forehead*

[BBx]

No WAY!?! Seriously those are real life incidences?!

:shocked:

BB x

[Roberta]

Hahaha!

When my best friend's eldest son was only a week old she went out shopping with him for the first time. She was happily browsing the aisles when a customer announcement kept coming on asking for the person who'd left a baby in one of the aisles in their buggy could move it. She said she thought 'What a terrible parent! Fancy leaving your baby in...OH MY GOD, DANIEL!'

[BBx]

;D

BB x

[Belmit]

There's a guy at work who says things that you couldn't make up. All of a sudden one day:

Him: Would you try breast milk?
Me: Um... I guess, don't see why not.
My supervisor: Yeah, I'd give it a go.
Him: That's strange, I mentioned it to my friends the other day and they all thought I was weird. Maybe it was because I was talking about my sister's...

I kind of laughed, and spluttered, and just didn't know what to say. Odd chap.

[Haly]

;D Dawn and ;D:shocked: at Belmit's workmate.

[Darrin]

No WAY!?! Seriously those are real life incidences?!

:shocked:

BB x


Believe me, I have many, many more.

Customer #4 : What time do you close at?

Me : We're a 24 hour store, sir.

Customer #4 : Yeah, but what time do you..... Oh, jeez.

[Stan_Lite]

One of my favourites from when I worked in a builders merchants/DIY shop:

Customer (on phone) - "How much paint do I need to paint my roof?"
Stan - "I have no idea sir, do you know the surface area of your roof?"
Customer - *It's about the same size as a council house."
Stan - *Sighs*

[Nutcase]

My work just rang me up and asked if I wanted to work tonight.

I think that was a pretty stupid question. It's my first day off in ages, leave me alone!!!!

[Muban]

Some calls you just know are going to be a nightmare from the first sentence:

Me: Good morning, Michelle speaking.
User: I've expired!!

Me: Good morning, Michelle speaking.
User: I can't get the computer to work, but I'm not very computer illiterate you see.

Prerecorded message before connection to the helpdesk: There is currently a problem with SCI Gateway, this is a national fault and is being worked on. We currently have no eta for a fix. We will update this message when we have any further information.
Me: Good Afternoon, Michelle speaking.
User: I can't get onto SCI Gateway, it keeps giving me errors!
Me: There is a national fault on the system, it's being worked on at the moment.
User: Yes I know that, but I need to get on it urgently!

Thankfully I don't have to take calls anymore, only when we have a massive staff shortage.

[Garp]

Thankfully I don't have to take calls anymore, only when we have a massive staff shortage.

I'm so glad I'm no longer customer facing. Makes things a little less painful, though now I'm faced with the incompetent people in my former department more often :(

"This stats for this customers website isn't working, where should I start troubleshooting?"
"Have you tried connecting to the box?"
"No, should I?"
"Well it would be a good start...."
"Hmm.. okay, how does it work?"
"If you look around you on the desk you should see a large grey lever arch folder"
"yup"
"Section 5"
"Hmmm.. stats and configuration of xyz platform. Will that tell me how it works on the xyz platform?"

real answer: "Should do"
What I really wanted to say: "No, it's actually detailed schematics for how you can produce your own Apollo 11"

[Nutcase]

My work just rang me up and asked if I wanted to work tonight.

I think that was a pretty stupid question. It's my first day off in ages, leave me alone!!!!

Thety rang once more, and a text.

PISS OFF!!!

[Haly]

Ouch :(

[Stan_Lite]

Thety rang once more, and a text.

PISS OFF!!!

My work phoned me about a week after I got home last time and asked if I could do a couple of weeks on one of the North Sea rigs as they were short.

"Let me see, I'm not long back from 4 weeks on a rig in the scorching heat of the Southern Mediterranean and you want me to work 2 weeks of the 3 1/2 weeks I get at home, hmmmmm............."

NO!!! :****er:

[BBx]

I just got this from our website submission form and hate to say it but I lolled :D

Contact Us Form Submission
The following details have been submitted from the website.
Email Address: xxxxxxx@xxxxxxxx.com
First Name: xxxxxxxxxx
Last Name: xxxxxxxxxx
Comments: Hi,

I have the unfortunate privilege of being a company secretary to xxxxxxx xxxxxx without actually working for you. I receive on average 4-5 calls a day on my company landline number which is 0113 xxxxxxxxx asking to speak to various people within the xxxx xxxxxxx organisation regarding job vacancies advertised on the internet or in newspapers/magazines. Most often your clients dial the wrong number which I can see the reason why as my extension ends in 113 and yours with 133. However, I have frequent calls where the same caller keeps calling back and is adamant that your number is advertised as 0113 xxxxxxxxxx.

Now, I've put up with this regular intrusion for 6-7 years now but I'm sure you can understand my patience is running very thin when I keep getting told that the caller is only dialing the number he/she has been given on an advert.

I run a very busy department and receive many internal and external customer calls otherwise I would have changed by business line number by now.

Can I please ask that you check your adverts and ensure your telephone number is advertised correctly as your number and not mine.

Alternatively, please add me to your payroll and I'll direct your calls to your office without being rude to your clients.

Best Regards

xxxxx xxxxx
Support & Services Manager

Poor guy! Thing is... if its been going on for 7 years why has it taken this long for him to contact us??? He has the number after all!!! ;)

BB x

[Blackstar]

I had a guy ask if we sold Timberland boots in GAP, that took me by surprise.

[LeperousDust]

I hate people in the workplace who call the internet Google. For christs sake how hard is it to realise thats a frigging website. I'm sick of trying to explain it...

When im troubleshooting over the phone:

Me:"What ISP do you have (trying to work out BB or ADSL)"
Retard:"Oh i'm with Google"
Me;"....Oh"

Really hurts me :(

[BBx]

This just came through on an update on our issue tracker:

Hi Mei Ling,
Could I be a really pain and ask you to label the Friday quiz flyer for
this week as 'Champagnefriday4'
Thank you very much
Lucy

Is she serious!? :shocked:

I felt like a right pleb replying 'well you can right mouse click on the file and go to rename...' :/ I hate being IT!

BB x

[iCraig]

I have artwork to go on the website can i have the file details server details to upload please because i need the artwork on before the tradeshow and the tradeshow is on sunday i presume it takes less than 5 days to upload artwork the artwork is small compared to the artwork i had done last year which took over a week can you aknowledge this email before 1pm as that is when i have lunch and for lunch i go out of the office and today i will not be going back to my office computer to check email until tomorrow so can you reply before 1pm which is when i have my lunch ok thank you craig i will see your reply for 1pm i hope ok thanks

:shocked:

[Tak]

And breathe!!!

[Belmit]

Another one from Jon today:

"On my way back from town I saw this really tall woman and as I got closer I realised it was a man in women's clothes. But it's OK because a few seconds later it was cancelled out because I saw a woman wearing men's clothes. Big fat lesbian."

[BBx]

Seriously!! I just got a reply to my email!!! :/

From:"Lucy"
To:Marketing Issue Tracker
Subject:RE: [Ticket#400523] Friday Quiz
Created:27/09/2007 14:35:06


Hi Mei Ling,

I have tried to save this to my computer but I already have a file named
as this and I don't want to delete it.

Sorry to be a pain,

Lucy

-----Original Message-----
From: Ask
Sent: 26 September 2007 17:13
To: Lucy
Subject: Re: [Ticket#400523] Friday Quiz

Hi Lucy

Once this file is saved to your computer you click on the icon with the
right hand button mouse and go to 'rename' and then you can change it to whatever you like!

Thanks,

Mei Ling

Please respond to this email, and not to my personal email address.

From:"Lucy"
To:Marketing Issue Tracker

Hi Mei Ling,
Could I be a really pain and ask you to label the Friday quiz flyer
for this week as 'Champagnefriday4'
Thank you very much

Lucy

Thing is..she isn't one of the 'thick' consultants... so I thought! :shocked:

BB x

[Justsomebloke]

Said to me by Many Employers.

"No mate I am afraid i cannot offer you a job"

or

"You just don't have the Experience to be a Road Sweeper"

or

"What qualifications do you have" ( When going for a warehouse job )

About the Stupidest things i hear when i try to get work :angry:

[killerkebab]

Up until last night at 8pm, I worked as a customer assistant in M&S...

Me: Okay that comes up to £315.22, please enter your PIN sir.
Customer: Seven, Two, Four, One.
Me: I meant into the keypad sir, I shouldn't know your PIN.
(The fact that I still remember it should worry him :p)

[Justsomebloke]

Class


;D