Jokes In Here!

[BBx]

Here is a thread for jokes... proper ones ;) and funny stuff...

So here goes!!!

http://img505.imageshack.us/img505/9827/robberbh4.jpg

BB x

[Dymetrie]

;D;D;D;D

This just happened in the office and is a classic blonde moment...

Peter: Where would you find the registration NCC-1701?
Lynnette: No idea..
Peter: The Starship Enterprise.
Lynnette: How would I know that? I'm not a traffic warden!
Everyone: *giggles*

[Kell_ee001]

First one really cracked me up ;D

[Daz]

/bans Pebs from thread.

[BBx]

Lol @ Daz - that was what the ';)' was for!

*fluffles Pebs*

BB x

[Pebs]

I'm boycotting this thread. You can't force the funny. I can't just turn on the funny you know, I have to wait until the funny comes upon me. And keep your filthy fnaars to yourself too you oiks.

[Desmo]

I have to wait until the funny comes upon me.
I was about to fnaarrr....

...but then I saw this...
And keep your filthy fnaars to yourself too you oiks.

[Nutcase]

The Roberts were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Roberts kissed his wife goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''

Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Roberts cut in, embarrassed, "I've been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot !" gasped Mrs. Roberts.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Roberts quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.

"Oh my God!" Mrs. Roberts exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Roberts.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Roberts, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Roberts leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh ..equipment?"

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Roberts fainted.

[Roberta]

Hahaha!

A young naive couple were wed and just before retiring to the marital bed for the first time the bride's mother took her aside and asked her if she knew what was to happen next. Being an innocent the bride didn't have a clue. 'Never mind,' said her mother with a wink, 'He'll soon show you what's what.'

Upstairs the bride asked her new husband to show her what's what but he being as untainted as herself had no idea, so they decided to look for what's what together. They searched under the bed, on top of the wardrobes, under the rugs, but couldn't find anything. Exhausted they decided to go to bed. As her husband removed his trousers the virgin bride having never seen a man nude before pointed between his legs in awe and asked 'What's that?'
'What's what?' he asked.
'You bugger! You were hiding it all along!'

[Garp]

One night, the Potato family sat down to dinner--Mother Potato and her three daughters. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up.
"Mother Potato?" she said. "I have an announcement to make."
"And what might that be?" said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter's eyes.
"Well," replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, "I'm getting married!"
The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, "Married! That's wonderful! And who are you marrying, Eldest daughter?"
"I'm marrying a Russet!" "A Russet!" replied Mother Potato with pride. "Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!" As the family shared in the eldest daughter's joy, the middle daughter spoke up.
"Mother? I, too, have an announcement."
"And what might that be?" encouraged Mother Potato. Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, "I, too, am getting married!"
"You, too!" Mother Potato said with joy. "That's wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, Middle Daughter?"
"I'm marrying an Idaho!" beamed the middle daughter. "An Idaho!" said Mother Potato with joy. "Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!"
Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plan for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted.
"Mother? Mother Potato? Um, I, too, have an announcement to make."
"Yes?" said Mother Potato with great anticipation.
"Well," began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her, "I hope this doesn't come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!"
"Really?" said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. "All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, Youngest Daughter?"
"I'm marrying Des Lynam!" "Des Lynam?!" Mother Potato scowled suddenly. "But he's just a common tater!"

[BBx]

Pebs - this one is for you. ;)

Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and
told her mother.


"Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"


Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It
reminded me of a peanut"


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small was
it?"


Sally replied, "No...salty!"

BB x

[Stan_Lite]

A nose walks into a bar and asks for a drink.





The bartender says, "Sorry, I can't serve you, you're off your face!" :D

[Will]

I actually LOLed at the last 2! ;D

Here are a couple I received today:


Man is walking in london and its raining. He takes shelter in a peek-a-boo sex shop he pays £50 is confronted by three doors. They read blonde, brunette or black. He chooses blonde only to be confronted by more doors reading small tits, medium tits or big tits. He chooses the big tits, only to be confronted by yet more doors. They read small ****, large **** or wet ****. He chooses wet **** finds himself back in the rain

and


Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and sees his dad giving his mum one, his dad just laughs, throws a pillow at him and shouts 'get out'! A little while later Johnny's dad hears a commotion coming from Johnny's room, he rushes in and is horrified to see Johnny shagging his gran - Johnny just looks at him and says 'not so ****ing funny when it's your mum is it?'


Oh another:

Two men are in a pub 1 says to the other. "If I got you drunk & went home to your house, ****ed your wife got her pregnant, & she had a baby, Would that make us related?" The 2nd guy thinks for a while & says "No but it would make us even!"

They made me giggle. :D

[Roberta]

General Custer was standing atop a hill during the Battle of Little Bighorn as the fighting was about to commence. Turning to the little geordie soldier beside him,
'Listen' he said, 'They have war drums.'
'Why man! The Thievin' b*stards!'

[iCraig]

Introducing the new Renault Mcann. With extra room in the back for kids.


Sorry.

[Fayshun]

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court."

The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The judge says, "OK."

"Well," said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song. When all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded, "Wow! That must have hurt!"

Paddy replies, "HURT! He broke three of my fingers!"

[Fayshun]

Introducing the new Renault Mcann. With extra room in the back for kids.


Sorry.

I have the seat next to you in hell.

I got shown that on a text today and had to leave the desk to retain my professional image through laughing.

[Garp]

http://bliss.paulgraydon.co.uk/tennis.jpg