View Full Version : What do you do with him?
You have woken up in the middle of the night because you heard something downstairs. You go and investigate and spot an intruder in your house. Fearing for yourself you whack him over the head with something and knock him out cold. You only have a few minutes before he wakes up.
What would you do now?
Tie him (helps being a sailing fan - I know knots) to something sturdy and dial 112.
See if he has any ID on him - jot down his address and kill his family. *
* this may be untrue.
Throw him outside. Hes hardly going to goto the police and say he was knocked out whilst breaking and entering
Steal his wallet, find his address, drive there and rob the place, leaving him in the bathtub in an amusing pose with a loofah.
I'm a big fan of irony. And loofahs.
leowyatt
26-09-2007, 12:07
I'd probably think of something evil to do to him, tie him up somehow then call the police. Infact what I'd so is take feed him some picolax and then tie/chain him to a lampost :evil:
Search him for weaponry and ID.
Knock on the guys in all the our flats and get them all (4 blokes) to come up and sit on him so he doesn't move while I call the police.
Actually I am pretty sure I have some of those plastic tie thingamy things... I'd get them to tie him to the communal stairway rail... while we wait for police.
BB x
SidewinderINC
26-09-2007, 12:09
Sit with him till he wakes up, then hit him again :)
Then I would call the police saying that I just knocked an intruder unconcious because just telling them somebody is in your house != insant service :)
What about dump him in the back of the car and take im to a gay S&M freak and re-enact the scene from Pulp Fiction...
"Bring out the gimp"
Kell_ee001
26-09-2007, 12:20
I think the main problem with the plan is I live in an upstairs flat :D
Justsomebloke
26-09-2007, 12:23
Cable tie the mofo & make him watch all my saved episodes of Dallas with me mouthing the words out loud & proud.
Once he realised i was completly insane & knew i was going to feed him to my dog bit by bit i would laugh hysterically in his face.
First bit i would have to reinact the ear chopping off bit in Res Dogs. I can hear the music now *sings* :cool:
I think the main problem with the plan is I live in an upstairs flat :D
Me too! But I still have bad dreams about this :(
BB x
i'd take great pleasure in having him bound and gagged in a very uncomfortable position.then maybe phone the police in the morning.
If you want to be sure the police come to you - just tell them you're about to shoot an intruder in your house... you might get into trouble for it though :p
I would probably use a torture method (one that involves a pole, doesn't make a mess and is easy to set up), at least for a while. Then I'd call the police.
Get the cable ties form the garage and tie him up, once those things are on they don't come off. Then I might think about the phoning the police after a bit of mental torture, it's handy having 2 dogs that sound more vicious than they really are :evil:
In all seriousness I wouldn't mention a gun, all it would do is make the police stand outside waiting for the ARU to turn up and since I live in a village it could be a week before that happened :D
To answer the question seriously, I'd be concerned, and I'd ring 112 ASAP - I don't know if I'd confront the guy or not, I'd be worried of hurting the person too much and getting into trouble with the law for going OTT. When I hit, I hit hard :/ However I'd probably have the adrelanin pumping so God knows what I'd do.
I've got some handcuffs (real ones, not furry ones), I'd cuff him to some pipework or something else unmovable, phone the Police and stand over him with a large chunky firearm until they arrive.
/edit - 112, Will? I know it works, but surely 999 is more traditional ;)
I've always used 112 :o
Besides I thought they were going to scrap 999?
Sit down, switch on Xbox360 and ask if he wanted a beer and a game of Pro Evo :p
If it was a chick, would you try to hit that? :D
...having literally already hit that. ;D
I've got some handcuffs (real ones, not furry ones), I'd cuff him to some pipework or something else unmovable, phone the Police and stand over him with a large chunky firearm until they arrive.
/edit - 112, Will? I know it works, but surely 999 is more traditional ;)
Don't forget to 'accidently' fire off a blank right next to him and look all wild like you don't really know what you're doing with the firearm. Sorry, what was that? I don't seem to be able to hear you... ;)
I've always used 112 :o
Besides I thought they were going to scrap 999?
Surely they don't need to now we all use tone dialling phones?
Blackstar
26-09-2007, 13:39
Probably tie him up and phone the police. No need to do any threatening etc really.
Smother him in melted cheese and cat biscuits and let the kittahs eat him alive
Tie them in a comfortable position, but to something solid and when they wake up, try to find out why they have chosen this course of action in their lives.
Suggest they get help if they are doing it for drugs or cleptomania and be supportive, but firm making sure they realise that you are reporting it to the police, but its for their own good.
Be there for them if they decide to reform their lives and help in any way possible.
Knock him over the head with something heavy, tie him to a chair with a sack over his head, while he's asleep fill my Jerrycan with water. When he comes round, squirt the sack with lighter fluid and splash the jerrycan of water over him. Then start flicking a zippo in front of his face, telling him he's picked the wrong house.
Or alternatively hide upstairs and send Lom down to deal with him.
Ask for advice on the internet of course!
Ask for advice on the internet of course!
That's a good point, is this why Jonny is asking? ;)
Johnny my friend, I have some quick lime and a shovel. If he is still lying there, you know my number
That's a good point, is this why Jonny is asking? ;)
This guy is so in for it when I get home. I mean if someone breaks in and I catch them they are so in for it. Probably.
Oops :o
semi-pro waster
26-09-2007, 15:39
I've always used 112 :o
Besides I thought they were going to scrap 999?
Don't think so, it is a bit too ingrained on the conciousness of the British public - your good self excepted. One of those things that you need to know for travelling abroad though.
I'd probably tie up said miscreant in such a manner that would leave me in no danger, unfortunately I don't have cable ties any more but I'm pretty sure one of my canvas belts would do a good enough job. Maybe even suspend them slightly to ensure they can't go anywhere (I've got a double bunk bed thingy so it would be pretty easy) and then inform the police, possibly mentioning that there was no real rush.
I'd not get into the situation because I'd cower in a corner first. But anyway, if he was out, I have a suitable supply of strong cable ties (not the weedy little short ones you get in most DIY places), so a few of those would do the trick. Then it's 999.
Treefrog
27-09-2007, 03:57
Ok, he's no longer a danger - let's keep it that way. Cable ties, string, baling twine, rope, flex, paracord - whatever is to hand will do to tie him up.
I'd be very tempted to do all sorts off naughty stuff, like stick a pine cone up his arse, or get him dropped off in the high moorlands miles away from any house or street light.
But I'd damn well empty his pockets and take anything of use or value to me. And maybe press an old cheap kitchen knife into his hand to make sure his fingerprints were on it.
Then dial 999 :evil: That should keep him out of circulation for a while.
I'd just tell Tina that he threatened our son in some way.
Then whisper in his ear that I understand when he eventually whimpers about wishing never being born.....
Treefrog
27-09-2007, 14:43
I'd just tell Tina that he threatened our son in some way.
Then whisper in his ear that I understand when he eventually whimpers about wishing never being born.....
And I thought I was being :evil:
;D
Heh, I just remember her instant reply when someone asked her what she'd do if they tried to rob her in the taxi.
"I'd make Lorena Bobbit look like a fairy tale." :jawdrop:
Tina ain't one to have mad at you. Not if you like all your bits to remain where they're supposed to.
Treefrog
27-09-2007, 14:57
Poor old John Wayne ;D
I don't think I'll need to make a note to remember not to get Tina pissed (off) at me ;D
Shave off all his bodily hair, yes including *that* area. I'd pay someone to do that of course. He'll regret ever breaking into my house!
Fap in celebration.
LOL!
Loving it!
;D
Joke answer:
Strip, shave, photograph, upload.
Serious answer:
Restrain and disarm if necessary. Call police. Give him a sly kick in the balls.
Serious answer:
Restrain and disarm if necessary. Call police. Give him a sly lick in the balls.
^^ Pre-edit.
Treefrog
27-09-2007, 22:38
Shave off all his bodily hair, yes including *that* area. I'd pay someone to do that of course. He'll regret ever breaking into my house!
Then apply make-up to him and post the piccies on th'intarweb ;D
Restrain and disarm if necessary. Call police. Give him a sly kick in the balls.
You'd take his arms off?!
You'd take his arms off?!
Probably a bad idea. When the police arrived and I informed him that he was going to rob me and probably worse they'd just respond:
"What him? Don't be daft, he's totally armless..."
:o
Treefrog
29-09-2007, 01:38
Probably a bad idea. When the police arrived and I informed him that he was going to rob me and probably worse they'd just respond:
"What him? Don't be daft, he's totally armless..."
:o
Noooooooooooooo! The Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail just popped into my head.
"Come back you coward, I'll bite your kneecaps"
Von Smallhausen
29-09-2007, 19:04
Put a knife in his hand and make sure his prints are on it ......
* cough *
;)
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