A couple of jokes.

[Stan_Lite]

I've recently joined another forum (a Shetland orientated forum) and there is a rather large jokes thread. I have pinched these two so far and will probably add more as I work my way through it.

A primary teacher starts a new job at a school in the Rangers part of Glasgow and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she is a Rangers fan.

She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Rangers fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Rangers fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asks: "Well, if you're not a Rangers fan, then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Dundee Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you an Arabs fan?"

"Because my mum and dad are from Dundee, and my mum is a Dundee Utd fan and my dad is a Dundee Utd fan, so I'm a Dundee Utd fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Dundee Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time.

What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Rangers fan."

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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Methodist."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8.

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well the Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.

[Stan_Lite]

lol at the last one!! I've heard the first one before but it ended with 'Manchester United fan' ;)

I actually adapted that one from "Liverpool fan" - thought it might make me a few enemies here (although I'm sure Davey would have approved ;)), so I changed it to our own nemesis :D

[Belmit]

A great one I just heard on Radio 1:

Why did the baker have brown hands?
He kneaded a poo.

:D

[Kell_ee001]

The religion one made me proper LOL ;D

[Stan_Lite]

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife, "Where did you get that necklace?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, the women arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks, "Where did you get the bracelet?"

She replies, "I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner."

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says, "I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?" She replies, "Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper."

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband, "HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub." He replies, "I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet."

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Definition of "Brave:"

Coming home covered in lipstick, stinking of perfume, slapping the wife on the arse and saying, "Right Fatty,you're next!"

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Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."

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How do you make a bear cross??..................

















Nail two bears together.

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Whats brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG

How many surrealists does it take to plug in a light bulb? A FISH

Whats black and white and goes OOOOOOO? a cow with no lips

Whats the difference between a golf ball and a womans g-spot?

A man will spend time looking for a golf ball.


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Old Sean lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Mick, who used to help him, was in an English prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Mick,
I am feeling a mite down because it looks like I won't be able to plant me potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Father,
For Christ's sake, don't dig up the garden! That's where I buried all them feckin' bodies!
Love, Mick

At four o'clock. the next morning, a dozen agents from Scotland Yard and local Gardai showed up and dug up the entire garden down to a depth of about six feet. That evening, not finding any bodies, they filled the lot in, apologized to the old man and left.
The next day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Father,
Go ahead and plant yer spuds now. It's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Mick

I've heard the last one a few times now but it still makes me laugh :D

[Nutcase]

Yup. That last one's a classic, but a darned good one :D

[Belmit]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

[MarcLister]

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has.;D