View Full Version : Farting in public
Horror stories in here please ;D
I know this is kind of a brave thread to start considering I have been a member here for all of 4 days, but nevertheless..!
Today I was queueing up patiently at my local Three Cooks bakery to buy myself something fattening manufactured from pastry, bread and pig's hooves and ears and stuff, when to my shock a wee tremor in my belly lead to a silent but violent evacuation of my central gas chambers. Luckily I was at the back of the queue and closest to the door, but I could have sworn I saw one of the patrons who left before me sort of wince in pain...
:confused:
Tell me I am not alone!!
Farting is wrong - ask Desmo :p
BB x
When pregnant the baby pushes down so hard that they sneak out and when they did i just looked at Fayshun as if it was him bwuahahaha ;D
LeperousDust
21-02-2008, 23:46
Meh, i just get on with it :D Can be a tad embarrassing if it stinks to high hell which usually when i'm farting is the case, or if it makes a load of noise (or both!) but otherwise i don't think it matters at all :p :D
Justsomebloke
22-02-2008, 00:33
It's a strange dilmma. On the one hand you want it to be silent but on the other you know that silent is Deadly & they will stink.
Double jeopardy, Do a loud one with no smell but be heard or Slip one out & let the smell shout :huh:
I like to drop silent smelly ones if i can manage it & then try not to giggle to much & give the game away that it's me. If there are kids i know about then i jump on them & just let rip pressed against there head or summit ;D It's a right of passage that i cannot let pass :cool:
Just squeezed a nice one out there :p I've even given mine names like the triple Flutter Blast or the Volcano or the Ladys fave The Bubble ;D;D;D
If it's silent it's all, just don't act like nothing at all has happened else it'll be obvious it way you. Display mild discomfort but don't overdo it.
If you manage to make a noise rivalling the foghorn off the queen mary, well, there isn't a lot you can do in such a situation really.
Chuckles
22-02-2008, 01:11
Girl A let one go when some bloke was going down on her apparantly :p Most embarrassing thing of her like apparantly :D
After a night on the booze I let a silent one go in a meeting with the IT director, the Finance Director and the Managing director. No sound but I'm sure they all smelt it.
Pyle you have it all wrong, Public farting is nothing to fear, it is to be embraced. You can have so much fun with it.
For example a good game of drop the fart is a good starter for 10. Best enjoyed near two lovebirds and you just walk by and let a wee air biscuit out. They both have that look on their face of "Did you do that" but are too shy to say anything. This works well when people are arguing as it is literally adding fuel to the flames as the lady usually is disgusted when their respective partner dares drop one when they are in deep discussion.
Finally house parties are good for some covert ops. Crowded lifts are always a good one as your leaving.
So much to learn padawaan
I heartily agree with the mischevious god, Loki!
Stan_Lite
22-02-2008, 06:26
After a night on the booze I let a silent one go in a meeting with the IT director, the Finance Director and the Managing director. No sound but I'm sure they all smelt it.
Beer farts 4tw :cool:
Loki has it right, the best idea is to be brazen about it. If it's a loud trumpet simply announce "Phew that was a beauty, lucky I didn't follow through.". If it's silent but deadly say, in a casual manner "How long can you guys hold your breath?" :D
Another one is scratching one's arse in public. Billy Connolly had the right approach for this one - simply announce in a very loud voice "Oh my God, my arse is incredibly itchy, I think I'll scratch it." and everybody will look away.
As I'm sure you all know, I work the overnights at the local Walmart restocking the shelves.
Well, of course we get our fair share of the local yobs coming in raising all sorts of hell on Friday and Saturday nights. They'll come in and think it's funny to rearrange the shelves a bit, possibly stick a CD or two in their pockets.
They normally hang in small bunches and make a bunch of noise just to be a PITA. Well, I've taken to eating at McDonald's on Friday and Saturday mornings. Ever since being in the navy my digestive system hasn't liked sausage. To the inkling that it produces large quantities of the most foul smelling gas you've ever had unleashed.
So when these young morons come in the store and start their crap, I just calmly stop what I'm doing, walk over right in amongst them and let fly with a raunchy one that I've been saving for several hours. They get all indignant and move somewhere else. At this point I walk back up to them and let fly with a little more of my gracious present to them.
After about the third or fourth session of treats like this they get the hint and leave. They're not the brightest souls around here...
My manager thinks it's the most disgusting thing I could do, but agrees that it is 100% effective and there is absolutely NOTHING the yobs can say about it. "Your honor, he farted on me!!" "Suck it up you little punk, it's a natural bodily function!!"
Billy Connolly had the right approach for this one - simply announce in a very loud voice "Oh my God, my arse is incredibly itchy, I think I'll scratch it." and everybody will look away.
:D;D
Piggymon
22-02-2008, 08:15
I fart at the gym :o
My youngest, Beck, is the most noxious smelling thing on earth.
Yesterday was parents evening at Kai's school and as I was alone all 3 kids came with me. I was sat talking to a teacher when the most foul stench began to creep in. There was that moment when the teacher looked at both me and Kai trying to work out which one of us it was. I would like to point out that Beck was actually sat about 6 feet away behind us on a row of chairs. He was sat next to his poor sister who looked green and 3 chairs away from him was a woman and her son with their hands over their faces.
It would be lovely if I was exaggerating but I'm not. :(
My two most satisfying places for farting are in bed in the morning and standing at a urinal. If you start laughing after you've farted at th urinals, especially if it was a high quality noise, everybody else breaks down in laughter too. It's the one single thing that makes being British good - toilet humour.
This thread is highly rewarding :D
Farting is wrong - ask Desmo :p
BB x
Farting is oh so right.....you knows it.
If you start laughing after you've farted at th urinals, especially if it was a high quality noise, everybody else breaks down in laughter too.
You have to watch Stewart Lee's first stand-up DVD. He does a bit about how he was in a bar (in Spain I think) when the planes crashed into the twin towers, and how he goes to the bar's toilet with an Arabic gentleman and the fart he produces breaks down cultural barriers when they both laugh about it. There's a further punchline to the joke where he returns home to find rioting outside Mosques and tries to use the same methods to calm everyone...
Oh man have I got a dose of the gruffs today or what.
HollyThirtyFive
22-02-2008, 14:08
I guess normally if I'm walking a long a busy road I assume no one could hear it. But I have to be slightly weary if I have my headphones on otherwise it could be really loud and embarrassing without me knowing!
Im quite windy though so Ive got a good technique for silent ones!
MarcLister
22-02-2008, 15:22
My youngest, Beck, is the most noxious smelling thing on earth.
Yesterday was parents evening at Kai's school and as I was alone all 3 kids came with me. I was sat talking to a teacher when the most foul stench began to creep in. There was that moment when the teacher looked at both me and Kai trying to work out which one of us it was. I would like to point out that Beck was actually sat about 6 feet away behind us on a row of chairs. He was sat next to his poor sister who looked green and 3 chairs away from him was a woman and her son with their hands over their faces.
It would be lovely if I was exaggerating but I'm not. :(:D;D:D;D
SidewinderINC
22-02-2008, 15:41
Girl A let one go when some bloke was going down on her apparantly :p Most embarrassing thing of her like apparantly :D
After a night on the booze I let a silent one go in a meeting with the IT director, the Finance Director and the Managing director. No sound but I'm sure they all smelt it.
Quite a few people here won't know about GirlA will they? :p
I had to hold in plenty of guffs today, well hold in the extremely loud ones :p let the rest out on the walk between the bus and the train.
I was dropping them last night during Ashes to Ashes that were so bad that both the other occupants of the room (one of them around ten feet away) were holding cushions over their noses. I seem to remember clearing MBs lounge of around 15 people a while back.
Is this something to be proud of?
Hell yes!
Some bloke this week farted silent but deadly whilst walking up the escalators in Holborn tube station.
Classy, apart from the fact I was a few steps behind him, head at arse level, and so cop'd a face full of it :(
Stan_Lite
23-02-2008, 08:54
Some bloke this week farted silent but deadly whilst walking up the escalators in Holborn tube station.
Classy, apart from the fact I was a few steps behind him, head at arse level, and so cop'd a face full of it :(
That's always a hazard on stairs/escalators. When you stand somewhere where your face is less than a foot from someone's arse, you're always taking a gamble.
Yoga classes always produce some prime comedy moments. You usually get one person who lets rip in certain position. It's easy to tell who it was as well because they don't come back to the class the next week!
MarcLister
24-02-2008, 02:13
If I need to fart whilst in public I break them up into mini-farts and dispose of them at spaced out intervals so as to lighten the load to so to speak. :D
vBulletin® v3.7.4, Copyright ©2000-2025, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.