View Full Version : Bit of advice..
So I know most of you don't "know" me very well, but this forum is a little more... "grown up" than the others I frequent, and I wondered if anyone has some experience they might be able to throw my way..
Firstly, you need to understand I am the world's most single man ever. As a few of you from elsewhere know, I've not had a great run of luck lately on the girlie front!
Last weekend I met a fantastic girl. 25 years old, beautiful, seems very down to earth, intelligent, she ticks lots of my boxes. I suffer from shyness and it took all the bottle I could muster to get her number and I've arranged to go out with her on Wednesday. We've had a few text sessions and so far, it seems we get on pretty well and there's some good tongue in cheek flirtage going on.
There is a catch though. She has a 4 year old son.
My opinion is it's a first date, I shouldn't give it any thought. If we see each other a few times and things go well, then I will need to consider my options given the level of responsibility and everything that would go with someone in that situation. However, someone else said to me I should think about it now, because if we do get involved I'm going to find it hard to balance her and Junior. I'm only 23 and I have loads to do before I start worrying about a family.
Has anyone been in a similar situation before? I'm a bit confused :/
Thanks for reading!
I think you're worrying about something that is waaaaay down the line! You've only just met!
I have 3 kids with my ex. I've been with my current partner Paul for 3 years. It took me a year before I let him meet them! I wanted to make sure he was going to stick around before my kids got attached to him. Paul was a lot older than you at 30 though.
My advice is to take every day as it comes and see how it goes. No good panicking at this early stage!
leowyatt
13-04-2008, 18:34
Take the dates as they come. You might have your first date and not like her so don't worry and go out with her :)
Chuckles
13-04-2008, 18:46
At 23, a girl with a 4 year old son would put me right off fella. However it doesn't necessarily mean it should do for you. When you get into your 30's, it becomes less of an issue, but IMO relationships in your mid 20's are about living with a girl for the first time and enjoying yourself free from responsibility.
If things get serious, it is something you are going to have to think about and if it is likely to be an issue, I wouldn't even get involved in the first place as there is nowhere for it to lead.
At 23, a girl with a 4 year old son would put me right off fella. However it doesn't necessarily mean it should do for you. When you get into your 30's, it becomes less of an issue, but IMO relationships in your mid 20's are about living with a girl for the first time and enjoying yourself free from responsibility.
If things get serious, it is something you are going to have to think about and if it is likely to be an issue, I wouldn't even get involved in the first place as there is nowhere for it to lead.
This is what I have been thinking. Leo and Roberta are right it is VERY early days, and if after the first date nothing more comes of it then I'm no worse off. I don't want to rule it out all together because she seemed nice and I reckon we clicked a bit, but at the same time, kids are not me! If it goes on for a while and things go well, it'll make it harder to call it off.
Eugh.. Hard decision :confused:
Matblack
13-04-2008, 19:03
I get the impression that she hasn't told you yet if she is looking for a long term relationship, she may not, maybe you are thinking that there is more on offer here than fun and frollics :D. When you are the person on the other side of the quandry that you are having I suspect you send a lot of time thinking about what you do want and being pragmatic about the fact that you do already have children.
My/ our advice would be to have a few dates and see how it goes and when it comes down to it I bet she'll tell you what she wants because she has her child to consider :)
Good luck
MB/ H
Chuckles
13-04-2008, 19:04
If it goes on for a while and things go well, it'll make it harder to call it off.
Exactly. But it wouldn't be the fact that its going to be harder to call off for me, it's just that I wouldn't see the worth in entertaining the idea anyway. Say I met a girl and I knew that in a year she was going to move away to France for good and I quite logically didn't fancy that idea. I might mess round for a bit, but I wouldn't think about getting into a serious relationship because there is always going to be this big barrier that would prevent it.
That said mate, beggars can't be choosers :p:D
SidewinderINC
13-04-2008, 19:07
That said mate, beggars can't be choosers :p:D
I'm still bloody choosey :p
I'd see what she's after, and if she says anything more than something fun and lighthearted then I'd run a mile. If she's after something serious then chances are you'll be screwing her about (and not in the good way) by continuing but knowing you don't want to get involved with a woman with a kid.
Pumpkinstew
13-04-2008, 21:12
If it was me I'd cross that bridge when I came to it.
No reason to knock a night out with good company on the head just because of what might happen at some unspecified time in the future.
What you are thinking about is a good few dates down the line. Relax, if you are shy then its a good way to get your confidence with girls. Besides she just might want to simply rip your clothes off, ravage you senseless all night and leave you staggering home in exhaustion in the morning :D You never know unless you head on that date.
She'll tell you what she is after. This is try out days to get to know you a bit more, nothing to be nervous about at the mo.
As said, wouldn't think too much into it if I were you, she sounds like a catch, plus the kid is quite a decent age as you've missed all the messiness :p Take it easy I reckon and see where it goes, you never know what might happen! I wouldn't be averse to dating a chick with kid but I am a couple years older, when I was 23 I probably wouldn't have been as keen for various reasons but if I was a bit more stable I probably would have been :p
Good luck though :cool:
Chuckles
13-04-2008, 22:48
Single mums are more likely to put out and show you a good time :p
Blackstar
13-04-2008, 23:34
Starscream that comment is a bit over the line even in jest.
Chill Paula, see the tongue sticking out? :p
Anyway Mr Pyle, as others have said, why not head out on a date or two and see what you BOTH want before coming to any decisions. I suspect that she'll have her kid at the front of her mind also and making sure she doesn't dive in too fast too soon. Only once you've met a few times can you really get a feel for if it's worth it in the long run :)
SidewinderINC
14-04-2008, 07:50
Single mums are more likely to put out and show you a good time :p
I LoL'd, and then realised that my mum is a single mum :o:confused:
hahaha.
As harsh as this sounds in my early 20's I wouldn't have wanted to deal with someone else's kids. I'm sure she's really nice and I personally don't judge anybody on their past but the relationship wouldn't be for me. It's not just the child, there's an ex to deal with, finances, school, work etc. Think about it. As you get a bit older it's kind of inevitable but when you're still young it might be added stress you don't need.
Just my personal opinion.
Blackstar
14-04-2008, 13:08
Chill Paula, see the tongue sticking out? :p
I did yes, which is why i mentioned it being in jest. :p Maybe i'm alone in feeling that if so feel free to ignore me. :)
Pumpkinstew
14-04-2008, 13:12
Four's not such a bad age for kids when you can give them back anyway.
Don't you want to be Unkie Pyle and have a legitimate reason to be playing with trainsets?
Ta for the suggestions here guys and girls. A shame you didn't all advocate exactly the same thing, then I could have just copied you :D
I'm going to give a couple of dates a go and see what happens. You never know, there is still that 10,000:1 possibility that Zirax is right and she just wants to use and abuse me (hurrah!). And if she does, the first person I'll ring is you starscream. When I break my drought, I want you to know about it ;)
Make sure you phone him after the event eh? Don't want him getting over excited :D
Blackstar
14-04-2008, 13:41
My 2p is go for a few dates see how it goes :) and if you get any listen to Desmo and wait until afterwards to phone ;)
One thing I have to add to the equation is....
The lad is 4, ripe for SCALEXTRIC!
(BTW, this is Faysh)
Chuckles
14-04-2008, 14:02
Make sure you phone him after the event eh? Don't want him getting over excited :D
During would be fine. It's not like it is going to dig into his free minutes much ;)
It's a toughie really. I'm on the other side of the coin with 3 little female clingons to scare men a mile! I find it hard to explain without people getting the wrong end of the stick but the girls don't factor into my relationships for a loooooooong time, and any bloke who starts measuring himself up for 'Dad of the Year' tshirts would make me run a mile. I've had two 'proper' relationships since being on my own, one didn't meet the girls for a good 7 months, the other met them fairly early but was one of my friends from work as far as the kids were concerned although they know now and love him to bits. I have no agenda, I don't want a dad for the kids - they have one, I don't want money - Im working, all I need is for Ann Summers to invent a shoulder rub machine and I'm set for life! ;)
Chances are you've met a really cool, independant self sufficient lady who's not interested in playing games etc. Just go with the flow, who knows what'll happen :)
Single mums are more likely to put out and show you a good time :p
:D:D and put a few hairs on his chest!
Pumpkinstew
14-04-2008, 15:14
During would be fine. It's not like it is going to dig into his free minutes much ;)
SS: You sound funny...:huh:
PP: I'm hands free.
SS: Are you driving?
PP: Kinda. I'm in the car at least.:cool:
SS: :shocked:
:D:D and put a few hairs on his chest!
Note to self: keep away from single mums... :p
By the look of you you've been around far too many already ;) :D
By the look of you you've been around far too many already ;) :D
:shocked: :o
Dammit.
Blackstar
14-04-2008, 15:56
By the look of you you've been around far too many already ;) :D
Bwaahaaahaaaha i love you.
all I need is for Ann Summers to invent a shoulder rub machine and I'm set for life! ;)
You need the G-love!! I'm sure you saw it here but it's the glove with vibrating finger tips! It's GENIUS! I love it. Plus.. it's waterproof ;)
I think I'm on the same line as people who are say give it a go and then worry about it :) If you end up falling madly in love with the ladeh I'm sure you can work things out ;)
Good luck with the date, hope it goes well!
Chuckles
14-04-2008, 18:27
:D:D and put a few hairs on his chest!
Don't put pressure on the man. I'm sure his performance will be outstanding.
Don't put pressure on the man. I'm sure his performance will be outstanding.
I hope she does a report. 'could try harder' 'easily distracted' 'good effort' 'has the ability but just can't be bothered'
Chuckles
14-04-2008, 18:49
I hope she does a report. 'could try harder' 'easily distracted' 'good effort' 'has the ability but just can't be bothered'
Those all sound a touch optimistic.
I'd like to post an official correction. I will no longer ring starscream, I will get in my car, naked as they day I was born, and drive to Southampton and present myself to him, and declare in a loud, defiant and unwavering voice:
http://www.seomoz.org/images/upload/simpsons_nelson_haha2.jpg
:D
Seriously though, ta for the effort in posting folks. You have collectively eased my anxieties, besides Pebs, who lives in Essex if I remember rightly (and we all know about why Essex girls where frilly knickers, and what they call bus stops :p) and Mr S, who I feel is secretly sharing in my involuntary celibacy man pain right now.
Chuckles
14-04-2008, 23:42
and Mr S, who I feel is secretly sharing in my involuntary celibacy man pain right now.
Secretly? The next girl I meet is going the have to wear goggles and ear plugs when we first get it on.
Secretly? The next girl I meet is going the have to wear goggles and ear plugs when we first get it on.
I'm rapidly dive bombing towards recording my quickest ever lap in the sack, so out of practice! :angry:
You've seen American Pie right? Quick, nip out to Tesco's and get yourself something nice to practice on ;D
I'm rapidly dive bombing towards recording my quickest ever lap in the sack, so out of practice! :angry:
Dive bombing eh? Well put your flying goggles and skull cap on* and take a good firm hold of the stick :evil:
*If you need to borrow flying attire Goose may have some to hire.
So many jokes about flying solo :o
For anyone who is interested, the date could only have gone better if a sexual predator like Rich_L had gone on it instead of a meek and mild herbivore like me. I dropped her back at 11 in the evening and she invited me in. I finally dragged my arse home at 5 in the morning, just in time to see the sun rise whilst I supped a celebratory JD & coke.
I shan't engage in any kiss and tell, but I will say my drought is rapidly drawing to an end :evil:
I've had butterflies in meh belly ever since :o
Pumpkinstew
17-04-2008, 17:12
Wa-HEY!
Gerrin there my son :D
Chuckles
17-04-2008, 17:14
Outstanding effort fella!
I take it she didn't ask you how you felt about babysitting? :D
I take it she didn't ask you how you felt about babysitting? :D
Haha! That's what I usually say to men chatting me up!
instead of a meek and mild herbivore like me
You should try chewing Tobacco.. This stuff will make you a god damned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me. ;)
Good work soldier. Get that bayonet polished up.
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