View Full Version : The Jokes thread!
Blighter
08-09-2008, 01:29
Seeing how I love jokes, and how everyone loves a laugh, I thought I'd create this thread!
I'll start us off!
Paddy: "I'd like to book a flight to Alicante please"
Assistant: "Certainly Sir, how many will be flying with you?"
Paddy replies "How the **** should I know its your plane?"
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What's the difference between Amir Khan and a Rustler's burger?
About seven seconds.
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last but not least...:
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
The librarian says; "**** off, you won't bring it back."
What's the difference between chuckles and a Rustler's burger?
About sixty seconds.
Fixed ;)
ChemicalKicks
08-09-2008, 11:13
Fixed ;)
Ahahahahaha
Amateurs.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My heart dropped when I saw "thread title: Jokes" - "Last post by Pebs"
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
My heart dropped when I saw "thread title: Jokes" - "Last post by Pebs"
I don't think I've ever heard a Pebs joke before. I demand a Pebs joke :D
Please :)
This smiley: :pebbles: was created as a result ;)
chumpychops
08-09-2008, 17:58
A gynaecologist, tired of his profession and wanting less responsibility, decided a career change was in order. After some serious thought, he decided that being an engine mechanic, something he had once enjoyed prior to college, would be a good choice. However, it had been a long time since he had tinkered with an engine and he knew that in order to compete with the younger workforce, he would have to go to school.
He enrolled in a technical institute that specialized in teaching auto mechanics. He aced the course, but the final exam required each student to completely strip and reassemble an engine. It was with some trepidation that he took the test. At completion, he turned the engine over to his instructors for evaluation and awaited his final grade.
When they were handed out, he did a double take at the 150% grade he received. Rather confused, he asked his instructors how it was possible to have a grade like this. "It is really quite simple," they said. "We gave you 50% for correctly disassembling the engine, 50% for correctly reassembling it, and an additional 50% for doing it all through the exhaust."
G-MAN2004
08-09-2008, 18:08
and how everyone loves a laugh
It would help greatly if the thread actually contained anything worth laughing at.
chumpychops
08-09-2008, 18:09
OY!
Knipples
08-09-2008, 18:13
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep?
Rock-it!
*gets coat and closes door behind her!*
G-MAN2004
08-09-2008, 18:20
Okay, okay. I can't criticise the thread without adding my own little wonder of a joke.
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' Drizzle.
It would help greatly if the thread actually contained anything worth laughing at.
My post was!!! :'(
A gynaecologist, ".....
Made me laugh ;D
From p.57 of the Yellow and Highly dangerous joke book:-
Whats yellow and highly dangerous?
A canary with a machine gun
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a paedophile?
I'm not Michael Jackson.
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?
Granny replies; "f*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Blighter
13-09-2008, 23:54
Had the Large Hadron Collider experiment failed, the DFS sale would have actually ended.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
A man and his wife take their daughter to a nudist beach..
the daughter says mummy that lady has bigger boobs than you
the mother replied with... well the dumber you are the bigger the boobs you have
ok said the daughter and she carried on playing in sand
she then said to her daddy.. daddy that man has a bigger willy than you
he replied with... well the bigger the willy the dumber you are
so the daughter carried on playing and splashing in the sea
then she ran upto her mum as fast as she could and said...
mummy daddy is talking to a really dumb lady and daddy is getting dumber and dumber and dumber.
boom boom ;D
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
Blighter
17-09-2008, 16:35
A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the manager
She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £17.41.
The manager says, 'Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.
What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow £5,000?'
The blonde replies...'Where else in central London can I park my car for two weeks for only £17.41 and expect it to be there when I return?'
That shouldn't be a blonde joke :(
That shouldn't be a blonde joke :(
That's half the joke...:p
What's the difference between a Porsche Ferrari and a hedgehog?
A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside.
Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Eddie, I''m here to pick up Betty. We''re going for spaghetti, is she ready?''''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''''I''m Joe, I''m here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''''Hello, my name is Chuck.''''
The farmer shot Chuck.
NokkonWud
09-10-2008, 13:35
lol! :).
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.
"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer."
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