View Full Version : I never thought the day would come...
.... when I would be showing my arse off to Daniel Craig.
Well someone was listening to my prayers last night.
About an hour ago I was led in a ravishing pose on a bed and was informed by Daniel Craig that I have "a-cute" bum whilst I wiggled it at him, trying desperately not to break wind.
NB. The way in which "a-cute" was used may have infact been in medical terms... but for now we will presume it was meant as above. ;)
How? How could you possibly end up in the situation that you're on a bed wiggling your backside at Daniel Craig? The mind boggles. :)
leowyatt
08-10-2008, 18:13
I assume it went well then ;)
Heeeheeehehehe! I may shed some more light later on our delightful encounter, but right now I need to recover from the rod prodding I received from Daniel Craig and get my trembling body into a hot bubble bath ;D
Ah yes, the casual dropping of namesakes to cause hilarity, innuendo, and general chaos. I approve of this thread. ;D ;D
Doctor Daniel Craig the proctologist?
Kell_ee001
08-10-2008, 19:15
Agreed.
... but slightly askew? ;D
Yes, as you've probably guessed, sadly for me it wasn't *the* Daniel Craig. As much as I hoped prior to the wonderful meeting, Daniel Craig was not the gorgeous beast from James Bond, but a short, chubby and somewhat joyful surgeon :)
As another little filler to the whole puzzle of above - I am enduring a rather painful time at the moment with.. erm... how to put this nicely... erm... ah screw it... I've got a huge tear up my bum and it's not healing :p An "acute" anal fissure if you would that looks like "someone has taken a butter knife and dragged it down the inside of your bum.... twice". Daniel Craig had such a pleasant way of putting these things!
And no... before anyone asks... it's nothing to do with Picky :p
So... I am scheduled for surgery a week on Monday. If anyone plans on seeing me at any point this week I will be donning a cowboy hat and pretending to be John Wayne so no one gets sussed at my dodgy walk thereafter.
But yay! At least I can say I've met Daniel Craig :D
Wow, sounds scary and painful! Do they have to sew you up?
Ok just to reiterate what divine said, O_o. A cute anal fissure, that dirty mary was coming on to you :p I'm not sure if I wanna know how that heals.
They have to cut some bits off and then do something (I got lost at the "cut bits off" and think my brain blocked the rest).
I then have uber cream to fix it for the next month and failing that.... I will be getting my bum botoxed!
lol!
This whole scenario just keeps getting funnier and funnier, from the day I was filmed breaking wind in a doctors face at the surgery to meeting Daniel Craig to potentially having a J Lo bum! ;D
*ponders what can happen next!*
Oh I forgot to say, during the examination Daniel Craig was explaining to a colleague all the stuff happening back there (I think she's a new Doc type thing). Anyway, he was yabbering on and he pauses... and my phone goes off.
A phone going off is bad enough as it is whilst I have two people looking up my bum, but to make it worse my ring tone is a really cheesey 80's style pr0no choon. Oh how I felt my cheeks glow (... yes... both).
Piggymon
08-10-2008, 20:13
Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow owwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!
Yes, as you've probably guessed, sadly for me it wasn't *the* Daniel Craig. As much as I hoped prior to the wonderful meeting, Daniel Craig was not the gorgeous beast from James Bond, but a short, chubby and somewhat joyful surgeon :)
I feel very cheated :(:p
The surgery sounds scary! Hopefully it fixes everything nicely :)
Oh how I felt my cheeks glow (... yes... both).
;D;D
I feel very cheated :(:p
The surgery sounds scary! Hopefully it fixes everything nicely :)
Tear your bum and you can go see him too :D
Tear your bum and you can go see him too :D
:shocked: Not if he's unDaniel Craig like! I already asked Pheebs to kidnap him for me if he looked like the other one anyway :D I was hoping to come home to a Daniel Craig sized parcel :(
I'm clenching at the mere thought!
Good news though, at least it's going to get fixed :)
Use more lube next time. One of you must have been WAY over-eager to tear it...
*n
Use more lube next time. One of you must have been WAY over-eager to tear it...
*n
I know a guy who tore his banjo string during sex, didn't realise but certainly made a bloody mess of the bed.
Re Pheebs bumbum though, sounds nasty, I'm not going to ask how it happened as I think I know too much already ;)
How on earth can such a thing happen? It sounds incredibly painful :(
Pumpkinstew
08-10-2008, 23:52
Suddenly the logic behind the 'no medical threads' rule at the blue place becomes so much clearer.
Anal fissure. <wince><clench>
Hope it's better soon, Pheebs.
Knipples
09-10-2008, 07:34
I know a guy who tore his banjo string during sex, didn't realise but certainly made a bloody mess of the bed.
Ive been the woman on the other end of the man when that happened.
Going from moaning to screaming in a few seconds was erm, interesting.... :D
Fankoo for all your well wishes :D
How I got it (do not read if you're about to eat anything!) Ages ago I managed to get food poisoning and thus had an eruptive tummy which in turn caused me to get piles, which sadly never go away. What the Doc thinks happened is the piles flared up and whilst passing a stool one got caught and teared my inner self :( That little tear grew and grew and wouldn't heal... and that's how I'm here today :)
It deffo wasn't caused by rudes! My back passage is a one way system only - there's a perfectly fantastic hole just around the corner for that kind of thing ;D
What's a banjo string? *confuddled*
Sorry Jen... I was prepared to knock him out with my handbag and sneak him out through the window... but this Daniel Craig wouldn't have fitted out one!
leowyatt
09-10-2008, 09:47
What's a banjo string? *confuddled*
Where is that shocked monkey image again????? ;D
Admiral Huddy
09-10-2008, 09:49
My name is Daniel Craig..
I've changed it by dance pole!
:p
Where is that shocked monkey image again????? ;D
*waits* ;D
ouch :shocked:
hope you feel better soon :)
Where is that shocked monkey image again????? ;D
Any of these tickle your fancy....??
http://img503.imageshack.us/my.php?image=111smgi1.jpg
http://img393.imageshack.us/my.php?image=1111smel5.jpg
http://img503.imageshack.us/my.php?image=111111smvz4.jpg
http://img366.imageshack.us/my.php?image=11111smcd3.jpg
http://img366.imageshack.us/my.php?image=111111shockedmonkey1111cu3.jpg
EDIT: Godamnit teh moonkehs aint showin'!
Davey_Pitch
09-10-2008, 10:08
Pheebs, just make sure they don't sew up the wrong hole when they're back there :p
What's a banjo string? *confuddled*
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=banjo%20string :)
It's Okay! I don't need linkies :D I Googled it all by myself and it was what I thought it was.
http://pheebeh.googlepages.com/BanjoString.png
;D
I refuse to look it up :p
TinkerBell
09-10-2008, 10:33
I love you Pheebs :D
You lied to me :'(:p
Although after seeing that drawing I love you tooo Pheebbss!! :p
No I didn't - I never told you that I didn't love Pheebs :)
TinkerBell
09-10-2008, 10:40
Yeah yeah, I know the truth ;)
Pheebs, you're awesome :) Laughed my socks off at that :)
Admiral Huddy
09-10-2008, 10:48
She is the funniest woman i know :D
:shocked::shocked::shocked: SAM!!! SAAAAAM!
Paul told me it was safe to look at the urban dictionary link... so I did... and I couldn't figure it out... so I clicked on your link!!
WTF?!?! DO you REALISE I use a HUGE TV screen for a computer?!?!!!?!?!
:'(
*edit* btw I love all you guys too... accept Sam right now! She needs to be spanked!
WTF?!?! DO you REALISE I use a HUGE TV screen for a computer?!?!!!?!?!
Hey - I had to get the link whilst trying to hide my screen at work :p My manager nearly saw that too ;D
...
The picture's great but it's no wonder he broke his banjo string - his Y-fronts are on upside-down ;)
Sorry Jen... I was prepared to knock him out with my handbag and sneak him out through the window... but this Daniel Craig wouldn't have fitted out one!
;D
The picture's great but it's no wonder he broke his banjo string - his Y-fronts are on upside-down ;)
But but but... they're not!!... See...
http://modculture.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/11/20/jockey_retro.jpg
Do you have a high pitched voice!?? ;) ;D
chumpychops
09-10-2008, 12:07
*puts down sandwich*
Knipples
09-10-2008, 17:18
Pheebs I only have one thing to say......I WANT THAT CARD!!!
:D
LOL!
Something tells me Clintons wouldn't stock it ;) ;D
I may see if music shops are interested though! Would have to tidy it up as it was only a quick doodle ;D
*edit* and Sorry Chumpy I put you off your lunch!! I think I've got so used to discussing my bum lately I forget it's not necessarily a pleasant thing ;D (and I have a tendency just to spew words out without thinking of consequences ;)) This is a tame story in comparison to many others!!
You've now scared me off pooping for life!! :shocked:
:p
Tis quite funny. Sometimes when I poop now, in a very muffled way (due to a towel being shoved in my mouth), I go "OWwwwwwww OW oWO OW OW OW OW OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWA!" and whilst doing that my puppy dog sits outside the toilet and howls with me ;D
Hehehehe. Bless her! Neighbours must think I'm some sadistic twisted lady torturing myself every morning.
But but but... they're not!!... See...
http://modculture.typepad.com/photos/uncategorized/2007/11/20/jockey_retro.jpg
Do you have a high pitched voice!?? ;) ;D
I always thought the 'Y' was upright! :o
Clearly I shouldn't have doubted your knowledge of men's underwear :D
Flibster
21-10-2008, 00:29
As another little filler to the whole puzzle of above - I am enduring a rather painful time at the moment with.. erm... how to put this nicely... erm... ah screw it... I've got a huge tear up my bum and it's not healing :p An "acute" anal fissure if you would that looks like "someone has taken a butter knife and dragged it down the inside of your bum.... twice". Daniel Craig had such a pleasant way of putting these things!
Kevin Smith knows and understands your pain.
He talks about it for quite a long time in his latest dvd... and he caused me pain through laughter.
Had the op yester and I'M ALIVE!
YAY! So happy I managed to get home last night. I nearly did jumping jacks infront of the nurse to prove I was well enough to go home because my ward was full of (lovely) but VERY smelly old dears (it smelt of poo! Wonderful!). Thank goodness I didn't do jumping jays else I would have probably died.
Op got put off the first surgery list. Boo. I was last on the list so inevitably was shoved on to the afternoon/evening rota. Thus, no Daniel Craig!
Worst part of the day... was having an enema! Having half a bottle of solution sprayed up your arse when you're on a ward minimally hidden by dodgy drapes and then being told to clench and not poo for 10 minutes.... it was wrong! I have never clenched my butt so hard in fear of exploding everywhere. I figured if I read a focus magazine article in full it would be about 10mins and then I could poop on the readily provided commode mere feet away from the patient Margaret (who's met *the* Ian Fleming and had pictures to prove). I think all I managed to gain from the article was "Food... influence... bad... olives... Mediterranean..." and that's about it. I probably survived 5mins max! Doh!
Really unpleasant Not painful... just scary as!
Op wise - Brucey bruce did it. Whilst being put under I managed to tell all the Doctors and Nurses in the room they were beautiful Aren't I nice Luckily I didn't blurt out "HAIRY CHEST!" as Bruce... well I could only just see his handsome face through all the hair he had bursting from his overalls!
After op I woke up with net knickers on \o/ and saw a load of nurses and docs crowded round a computer looking at my AKOF webby! Yay!
Bum felt fine, I was THE HUNGER and went back up - had soup in 1min flat - begged to go home and then Ma turned up with Dodge and I dressed and left. (literally from op theater to home was about an hour! Hoorah!)
Sadly it was waddling to the car that made the pain killers wear off and since I have been in agony and my butts not stopped bleeding! Boo! Not to worry!
What they've done is - CUT OFF MY PILES! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! I don't have piles anymore! Hooraaaaaay! And they've scraped the tears all the way down to the thinest new tissue to encourage it to heal quicker. Means it's going to kill like **** when I poo next but I'll cross that bridge when it comes.
More painful than before but am well glad it's done and I am "recovering".
Thank you so so oOSOSOSOsoOSOsooo much for all your kind texts! I started replying but needed to just lie and hold my buttocks instead so sorry if I didn't get back to you!
leowyatt
21-10-2008, 07:41
Woohoo hope you have a speedy recovery :D
TinkerBell
21-10-2008, 07:42
Wooooo Hooooo! At least you are on the mend now, and soooon you will be able to pooop and sing instead of screaming :D Trio won't know where her howling buddy has gone!
Glad to hear you're back on the mend :D
Metalface Mark
21-10-2008, 12:02
Pics?
Yayyyyyyy Pheebs is on the mend!! :D
I must admit I am suprised at how happy you are to talk about what could be considered an embaressing topic but I'm starting to think you are the Pheeble Dee of Zero Inhibitions!
So glad to hear you've been 'sorted' now although you're about to face a painfull bunch of poo-oooh-oooooh-arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhs!!
I'm sure Lord Pickleton and Trio will spoil you in the meantime!!
TTIFWP, seriously.
http://www.akettleoffish.co.uk/pheebsupload/Requests/October2008/102208-AndSuddenlyTheWorldWasABetterPlace.png
Happy?!! :p
Ta people and ta James :) You become quite complacent about talking about these kind of things when you're experiencing them for months on end :)
Also it's only my bum! Nothing taboo about that ;D
Today is a bad bad bad bad scary day. Am petrified of pooping. Haven't pooped since the operation and well.. this morning breaking wind caused enough pain and bleeding as it is let alone poop.
Calling the hospital in a minute to beg for some kind of solution.
http://www.akettleoffish.co.uk/pheebsupload/Requests/October2008/102208-AndSuddenlyTheWorldWasABetterPlace.png
Happy?!! :p
F was for Fine :) But the above is ok I guess, nothing more necessary :)
Good luck with your pooping action later.
lol! Doh! I missed the F :D
Fankoo for the luck!
Called the hospital and there's nada I can do other than waddle to the pharmacy and purchase some laxatives.
It's going to be "incredibly painful" :(
This sucks!!
Metalface Mark
22-10-2008, 08:40
Get some imodium and put off the pain as long as you can! Couple of imodium and you will dry up quicker than a soldier doing a patrol in Hellmand province.
Pumpkinstew
22-10-2008, 09:36
In the abscence of any helpful advice beyond 'lot's of deep breaths' and 'avoid fibre' -
http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=99CT3wQmiFU
My Lunch:
45ml of Lactoluse
Half a tin of Prunes
Handful of Branflakes
Handful of Grapes
http://pheebeh.googlepages.com/hubblebubbletoilandtrouble.jpg
*sings* there maaaybee trouuubbllee ahheaaaaaad doobie doo... doobie doo doo doo!
;D
I'm laughing now! God help me later!
Jen - thank you and your Ma and all your wonderful pets for my rubber ring :D I shall put it to use at once! :D :D
;D
I looked at that rubber ring and thought 'hmm that looks familiar!' ;D
Hope it helps :)
grapes! I thought you'd have had enough of grapes for a lifetime ;D
In a matter of minutes I have learned I am a bloody fast runner and can scale my stairs in three and a stumble steps.
Seriously.
I could be entered into the olympics.
Knipples
24-10-2008, 18:59
Pheebs.......please tell me you didnt eat the cistern block?
Surely things arent THAT bad!
:D
After that lunch they'll be for her breath!
*runs*
Glad it went well. Hope your arse gets better soon.
My Lunch:
45ml of Lactoluse
Half a tin of Prunes
Handful of Branflakes
Handful of Grapes
*sings* there maaaybee trouuubbllee ahheaaaaaad doobie doo... doobie doo doo doo!
;D
I'm laughing now! God help me later!
Jen - thank you and your Ma and all your wonderful pets for my rubber ring :D I shall put it to use at once! :D :D
eeek lactulose is the vilest most sugariest thing ever. i put it in a whole glass of orange juice, but can still taste it through the orange.
hope you feel better soon :)
Only just seen this thread, glad to hear things are better now, bum wise.
Josh's Bum Consultant at the Childrens hospital is.....
Hugh Grant.
No, not the floppy haired stumbling English fop, but a short, old, bald, be-specatcled posh Scottish bloke.
I have a date again with Mister Craig in T-minus 30minutes (.... he's a busy man... we must keep to a schedule).
*gets out the lube*
Twice in one year. I'm such an incredibly lucky lady!
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