bash.org (NSFW and fairly offensive...mostly)

[Belmit]

Every now and again I take a look at bash.org and just generate a random page of quotes. Most aren't great but sometimes some make me laugh out loud - usually the very clever or the very offensive ones, and occasionally just the very childish or geeky ones. Over the past few weeks I saved a small selection of the ones where I had to stifle a laugh at work and just thought I'd pass them on to you. Feel free to post your favourites...


#760204 +(1017)- [X]

<thefwf> I just realised soemthing while watching spongebob with my mates
<thefwf> They were like "wtf, how come the food stays on the plate underwater"
<thefwf> and I was like
<thefwf> "WHY IS THERE A TALKING SPONGE LIVING IN A ****ING PINEAPPLE"


#759858 +(738)- [X]

<KaiserPanda> spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can
<KaiserPanda> clings to walls, licks his balls
<KaiserPanda> but not at the same time or else he faaaaalls!


#759367 +(635)- [X]

Coff:We should bring rain ponchoes back. Problem Solved.
Cyg:New Problem: I don't want to look like a homeless wizard.


#765730 +(534)- [X]

<Cell>: i heard tupac was hung like a horse
<Kleptomaniac>: Tupac was shot, he wasn't hung. Read the news sometime.


#763307 +(513)- [X]

<j0e> when i want to download music i look up what the band thinks about filesharing
<j0e> if they're okay with it, i download the song
<j0e> if they're against it, i download the song out of spite
<UriGeller> what if they haven't said anything on filesharing
<j0e> that's what i call a tacit endorsement


#768122 +(874)- [X]

<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> ****
<dez> oh ****
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed


#42382 +(456)- [X]

<Supachikn> Demigoat, you and i are onthe same wavelength
<Supachikn> or at least frequency
<Demigoat> if you and I were ethernet cards attached to a hub our frames would never collide!
<Supachikn> if you and i were polarised light waves we'd be ****in lazer beams!
<Demigoat> Turtles, The - So Happy Together.mp3
<Demigoat> I <3 supa
<Supachikn> i less than three you too, demi


#75249 +(515)- [X]

<CyberMind> ive been programming and using computers since my old days in the womb.
<CyberMind> umbilical ethernet
<SR71Goku> how fast do you get on it?
<SR71Goku> I'd imagine at least 1gigabit/s
<CyberMind> actually quite slow.
<CyberMind> network was flooded with protein and nutrient packets.
<SR71Goku> LOL...
<SR71Goku> "Daddy once DoSed my connection..."
<CyberMind> ok im ending it right there.


#50701 +(189)- [X]

<|TripleH|> Ever been ****ing some 15-year-old homeless girl and the roofies wear off and she starts to wake up? Do you just keep going, or do you hit her with a toaster or something and try to knock her back out? I never know what to do.


#70565 +(526)- [X]

<wig> Seriously... .45k/sec it is a joke.. I could have just gone out and taken my own photos of children in this time


#230424 +(876)- [X]

<Gerard> Damn bitch **** damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang


#772439 +(83)- [X]

<heffalump75> so i was doing my food and tech exam, right..
<heffalump75> and for some reason they asked me to explain three different methods of cooking potatoes.
<heffalump75> I'd just recently watched LOTR as well.
<mmmBoris> Uh oh i can see where this is going
<heffalump75> In the first box i put "boil em," the second i put "mash em" and the third i put "stick em in a stew."
<heffalump75> And then on the side I drew a picture of Samwise Gamgee as best i could.
<heffalump75> I got a massive tick and full marks for that question.


#77029 +(590)- [X]

<Dj|Gallow> TUNE IN
<Dj|Gallow> GOD DAMN IT
<IntrepiD`GNR> Dj|Gallow: we have children present
<Dj|Gallow> sorry
<Dj|Gallow> TUNE THE **** IN KIDS


#434593 +(9184)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'


#624106 +(802)- [X]

pi4arctan1guy: I cam home from grocery shopping and there wasn't enough room for all my food and I thought "This isn't fair! Most people never have to deal with the frustration of not being able to fit all their food in their refrigerators!" Then, I put my hands on my big white belly and laughed a very deep laugh, while my top hat bobbed up and down and my cane leaned against my stack of property deeds and hundred dollar bills.


#9101 +(382)- [X]

<Hiryuu> "War, the musical!"
<Ten> "With Sean Connery as Iraq!"


#21788 +(1890)- [X]

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!

[Haly]

Some of those are pure brilliance

[leowyatt]

excellent Belmit, more please!!!

[Stan_Lite]

Originally Posted by Belmit

<j0e> when i want to download music i look up what the band thinks about filesharing
<j0e> if they're okay with it, i download the song
<j0e> if they're against it, i download the song out of spite
<UriGeller> what if they haven't said anything on filesharing
<j0e> that's what i call a tacit endorsement

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'

Nice

The above are my favourites

[Belmit]

Hahaha!

#308977 +(66)- [X]
<Fandang0-> whats that band that the lead singer looks like Val Kilmer?
<thaRuler> the doors?

[Stan_Lite]

Just had a brief look and found a few which made me lol

#4281 +(25059)- [X]

<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances -<
* nmp3bot dances |-<
* nmp3bot dances /-<
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i'm going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet

#4753 +(13101)- [X]

<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I'm not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?

#330261 +(12051)- [X]

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

#23601 +(11844)- [X]

<mage> what should I give sister for unzipping?
<Kevyn> Um. Ten bucks?
<mage> no I mean like, WinZip?

[Haly]

[Belmit]

#76596 +(452)- [X]
<InkyGhost>Is it wrong to root for Tom Hank's character's death in "Castaway"?
<Rob> No, because its Tom Hanks.
<Rob> He starred in Mazes and Monsters, a blantant anti DnD film.
<Rob> Staring in porn is more respectable than being in that **** heap.
<Morrigan> Rob, that was before he was established. You have to take roles like that so you can get better ones.
<Rob> I don't care. Staring in porno would be more respectable than that.
<InkyGhost> You seem to have an unnatural fixation about seeing Tom Hanks in porn.
<Rob> Shut the **** up, Ghost.
<Himi> Busted.


#515363 +(2694)- [X]
rhys_rhaven: I have pictures..thousands of them. but most are art...i got katies harddrive.
rhys_rhaven: ....
overlord_overkill2007: ah i se
rhys_rhaven: i dont understand how she can walk into a church
rhys_rhaven: tons, and tons, of slash
rhys_rhaven: gay guys, gay guys ****ing, gay porn stories, guys on guys, guys kissing.
overlord_overkill2007: ewww
rhys_rhaven: guys humping guys, female ass domination, guy slaves, butt sex,
overlord_overkill2007: ewwwwwwww
rhys_rhaven: oh it gets worse. she has no file structure!!!!!
rhys_rhaven: what kind of sick woman doesnt organize her files?!!!
Daniel: EWWWWWWWW

[Flibster]

<JonJonB> Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book
<JonJonB> Let's see the results...

<JonJonB> "Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
<JonJonB> "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

<JonJonB> A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

<JonJonB> "Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
<JonJonB> "Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

<JonJonB> Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

<JonJonB> "Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

<JonJonB> The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

<JonJonB> He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

<JonJonB> He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

<JonJonB> Ok
<JonJonB> I have found, definitive proof
<JonJonB> that J.K Rowling is a dirty DIRTY woman, making a fool of us all
<JonJonB> "Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?
<melusine > O_______O
<JonJonB> Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

<JonJonJonB> Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

<JonJonJonB> 'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

----------------------------
----------------------------

<NHBoy> I broke my G-string while fingering a minor
<rycool> ...
<NHBoy> I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
<NHBoy> Oh well, time to buy new strings.

[killerkebab]

#120095 +(2757)- [X]
<Naudiz> my IQ is high enough that I can do anything I want
<Naudiz> college means nothing
<netbsd_> What is this almighty IQ you have and what self-scoring IQ test gave you the idea you have it?
<Naudiz> I'm a Mensa member .. I allready mentioned this.
<netbsd_> So you're in the top two percent of the population?
<netbsd_> This is me being impressed.
<Naudiz> no actually ... only 1 in 50 people qualify to be in Mensa

#240849 +(8393)- [X]
<Patrician|Away> what does your robot do, sam
<bovril> it collects data about the surrounding environment, then discards it and drives into walls

#670375 +(8103)- [X]
<JonTG> Man, my penis is so big if I laid it out on a keyboard it'd go all the way from A to Z
<JonTG> wait, ****