bash.org (NSFW and fairly offensive...mostly)

[Haly]

Some of those are brilliant

[leowyatt]

#146994 +(151)- [X]
<Monkey> Won't you take me to Funky Town?

<triple6> I'm not going that way, sorry.

#82056 +(753)- [X]
(bovril): amsterdam is officially the best place ever

(doggie^): how stoned did you get?
(bovril): as stoned as an adulterous arab woman

39177 +(485)- [X]
<Ak> Today, a blind man who was begging for change addressed me as I walked past.

<Ak> I gave him a quarter, and he said "thank you kind sir"

<Ak> then, he asked me what time it was, so out of habit, i held up my watch.

<Ak> He said, "11:56? Thanks buddy."

#62842 +(234)- [X]
<CharCoal69> am I the only one who puts special plugs in all my outlets so that the electricity doesn't leak out?

#217923 +(698)- [X]
[RJoeFish] hmmm
[RJoeFish] my mom forwarded me something called
'Who's your daddy?', this can't be good

#609240 +(1384)- [X]
< plasmadis> One time my dad stole a roll of brightly-colored stickers from a butcher's counter that said "BREASTS" and went to the video store and stuck them on all the movies that looked likely to contain nudity.

#652221 +(553)- [X]
<lunchbox> so get this

<lunchbox> i delivered pizza to the Microshaft building today but I couldn't park close to the door because they have all these fancy picnic tables out back for their employees

<lunchbox> so they're standing there watching me carry all these pizzas to them and I finally get to the door and they stiff me. nothing.

<fallingdogs> are you surprised?

<lunchbox> next time they order I'm going to send them a bunch of empty boxes

<lunchbox> and write stop messages inside

<lunchbox> "0x0000000A" ...

<lunchbox> "INVALID_PROCESS_ATTACH_TIP"

#7630 +(1049)- [X]
<XxChesterxX> who here uses a dildough
<Solidus> only when i'm making some dilbread

#737114 +(130)- [X]
<JeighEighm> Tauren, why don't you just sniff the packets and find out?
<Tauren> how do i DO THAT?

<Tauren> how* do I sniff packets

<JeighEighm> Tauren, okay. It's easy. Get your network cable.

<Tauren> How do I sniff?

<JeighEighm> Hold it to your nose.

<JeighEighm> Inhale.

<JeighEighm> Smell those packets.

#351029 +(1214)- [X]
<Raiks> Has anyone got their 'Violence Against Women: Australia Says No' booklets yet?

<Sweep> i have raiks

<Natus> i have too

<Raiks> My girlfriend opened it and got a paper cut from it, and then belted me for laughing at her

#801688 +(517)- [X]
Shinryuu: I think I just heard the worst local news pun ever.
Shinryuu: "No, it's not a cartoon, It's Felix the Cat 5 Hurricane."

#8896 +(160)- [X]
<StoneTear> damn i'm hot 

<StoneTear> i smell like barbequed eliteness

#77022 +(506)- [X]
<Kevyn> God it's ****ing cold out. The temperature in Massachusetts has dipped into the teens more than R Kelly.

#831678 +(877)- [X]
<xsphere> dude, josh was struck by a genius yesterday

<xsphere> it's fo funny you wouldn't believe man

<xsphere> so we're walking down the street right

<xsphere> and out of nowhere comes this black kid running
<xsphere> and one of those rent-a-coppers chasing him

<xsphere> as he's passing by josh sticks his foot up and trips him

<xsphere> turns over to me

<xsphere> and with an oscar deserving dead pan face says

<xsphere> "another one ****ed by the NPCs"

<xsphere> hahaha

[Kell_ee001]

#22796 +(619)- [X]

<Boogieman> I run my fingers up your left thigh
<Boogieman> oops, uhh, wrong channel
<Status> LOL!!
<Boogieman> forget you ever saw that
<Status> Gee, now would be a great time to take that new screenshot...
* Boogieman glances around nervously
<Asmodi> rofl, boogieman, what cha doin?
<Boogieman> certainly not trying to have permiscuous sex with cyber strangers, thats for sure


#449622 +(212)- [X]

<Miharu> you know you're asleep when you put your jeans on backwards.
<Kriss> That, or Kriss Kross..

[Kell_ee001]

1 more... just for Will...

#221380 +(57)- [X]

<Wingzy> crud, you should come to windsor some day
<crudmonky> Wingzy: i would, but i have recurring nightmares that i might find myself stuck in canada
<crudmonky> and a sole frenchman armed with just a white flag would invade and win

[leowyatt]

#245030 +(606)- [X]
<rAJ> wooo, i had sex tonight
* pikkle holds back another "my mom" joke
<pikkle> argh. YOUR mom, not mine.

#272726 +(2324)- [X]
[brianh] smaller boobs are cool
(Akira1) hmm
[brianh] like the kind that 8 year old girls have
[brianh] 18
[brianh] I ****ing meant 18
(Akira1) hahaha

78512 +(213)- [X]
<+dementia^> they should have reality tv program on that is actually funny.
<+dementia^> called "ima noob get me out of here" and make them use linux for a week

#105761 +(175)- [X]
<MrSaturn> google dosent seem to be working. when i press the "i'm feeling lucky" button i'm left unsatisfied

#289218 +(4699)- [X]
<Cedaie> Your ignorance isn't helping.
<@KTottE> How am I ignorant?
<Cedaie> <@KTottE> Do it again, do it right - Ooh great help *clap* *clap*
<@KTottE> http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=ignorant
<@KTottE> Maybe the word you were searching for was http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=arrogant ?
<Cedaie> yeah thats the one
<Cedaie> Your arrogance isn't helping,
<@KTottE> Neither is your ignorance

#484721 +(1907)- [X]
BonusStageInBed: let me spell it out for you
BonusStageInBed: ES
BonusStageInBed: EL
BonusStageInBed: OH
BonusStageInBed: DOUBLE U
blonde4u: slouu?

5874 +(682)- [X]
<Synoptica> having some major sound issues with gta
<Synoptica> cant think of why either
<bytraper> prolly because your gay
<Synoptica> yeah that's right
<Synoptica> gta has detected that i'm gay and adjusted it's performance accordingly

#17291 +(1006)- [X]
<Isajeep> in fotr when gandalf first goes to see that other gay wizard what does he first say to him?
<NickBlasta> stfu noob
<Setzer> stfu noob
<CRC> he says: "sup dawg, i r g4nd4lf da gr3y!"
<CRC> we should get the script to LOTR and make it l33t
<DC4ever> CRC - and then add subtitles to the avi of it, and rename it "L0rd of teh r1ngz0rs!"
<CRC> legolas: chex0r this out! *stabs orc in eye with arrow* LOL! di3 f00l! *shoots another orc with arrow* pwned!
<[H]Slacker> divx?
<NickBlasta> orc: CHEATER CHEATER WALLHACK!!1
<CRC> (when pippin/merry/whichever the **** knocks the armor down the well) Gandalf: omg, noob!

#189871 +(768)- [X]
<rade> so have u got a tree up yet?
<Selexion> like a file tree?
<Selexion> ?
<rade> a christmas tree..

#277906 +(871)- [X]
ZolaOnAOL: You can't judge a book by its cover.
DrRocksicle: you can if it has no pages

#444942 +(396)- [X]
<Colby> Some people are like Slinkys. They don't really do anything, but it's still funny when one of them takes a tumble down the stairs.

[Pheebs]

Originally Posted by Davey_Pitch

<Sonium> someone speak python here?
<lucky> HHHHHSSSSSHSSS
<lucky> SSSSS
<Sonium> the programming language


HAHAHAHAHAHAH

I have been roffling at this thread this morning but this one... I absolutely pee'd myself laughing! My building came in too and I was rolling about on the floor with tears streaming from my face!

So funny! Bahahahahahaha!

[Wellington]

#644835 +(1504)- [X]

<Blabber> i just started working out, to get me some muscle and feel confident
<Blabber> so after the first time, i come home and look at myself in the mirror
<Blabber> to see if there is already improvement
<Blabber> my mom steps in and says "you look good enough to play in a warmovie"
<Blabber> so she boosts my confidence and i say thx! like a sergeant you mean?
<Blabber> and i swear to god then she says: no like a concentration camp victim
<Blabber> she left the room laughing her ass off...

ROFL!!!

[Tak]

Originally Posted by leowyatt

#444942 +(396)- [X]
<Colby> Some people are like Slinkys. They don't really do anything, but it's still funny when one of them takes a tumble down the stairs.

[Kell_ee001]

#73191 +(441)- [X]

<xoiprocs> it all started when my mother took my bike away cuz i murdered my guinei pig and stuck him in the microwave
<obi`> haha
<obi`> i put my dog in the microwave once
<obi`> but i didn't press the button
<obi`> i just wanted to see if he would fit
<obi`> ...just in case
<xoiprocs> ok..
<obi`> you're the one that killed your guinea pig


#74147 +(551)- [X]

<@cray> ^^_
<@cray> oh ****
<@cray> picasso smilies
<@cray> ^_^


#8218 +(362)- [X]

<DotSPF> just got myself a sh*tload more lesbo porn
<killck> good?
<DotSPF> damn they have so much more fun when we're not around


#48776 +(386)- [X]

<lalaloo> hjey ,anmyone her hagve a dell/
<MgicMastr> You really should take that dick out of your mouth when you speak.

#15570 +(303)- [X]

<piglet3> [info] #gaysm5 Don't f*&% with the topic PIG
<piglet3> They are into homosexual sadomasochism, but they can't bring themselves to spell out `f***'.


#219349 +(1303)- [X]

<myliw0rk> There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research.
<myliw0rk> This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

#35916 +(713)- [X]

<Crimson_Dynamo> If I were stranded on a desert isle, I think I would make a girl out of coconuts, but she'd probably just want to be friends

#45974 +(149)- [X]

<Shuzin> Stupid junk e-mail.
<Shuzin> Why would I want to get the porn OFF my PC when I bought all that film and went to all the trouble of hiding in the bushes?

#50932 +(309)- [X]

*** Joins: Canadianpirate (java@=YEpe33-53-450-851.om.om.cox.net)
<@Oshi> Eyarrr, eh?


#449313 +(1613)- [X]

<MystMan> you followed me!! you freaky stalker!
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> I am not a stalker
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> btw, you're out of milk


#281780 +(1194)- [X]

<MrRoboto1024>she said she was hot for me, so i gave her a spare heatsink.
<MrRoboto1024>she didnt seem happy
<MrRoboto1024>i just dont understand women.


#615496 +(1872)- [X]

<Rebbel> Man Google Earth is awesome
<Android18> Why?
<Rebbel> Im looking at my house
<Rebbel> brb, pizzas here
<BFMV> Now thats what i call technology

#39310 +(485)- [X]

<PrincessLeia2> once i climbed on the roof at my old (upstairs) apartment and climbed in through a window when I didnt have my keys
<Shell Gh0st> I use to do that
<Shell Gh0st> you had a nice apartment

#82120 +(448)- [X]

(Elim) bah had to do finals today....finals there like sex, i get done to quick, and i sit there quiet for an hour thinking about what i did wrong...

#155158 +(298)- [X]

<+Coneja> and something about clitorises i dreamt last night
<+Coneja> a talking clitoris
<+Coneja> that's what it was
<+kevin> hahahahaah
< geekster> a talking clit... that would scare the utter **** out of you
<+preacha> geekster: it would probably diss you
<+preacha> "goddamn, you're doing it all wrong"
<+preacha> "oh look at you, big stud, she looks bored as ****"
<+preacha> "hey, i think you've forgotten about something........ME!"

#656312 +(1399)- [X]

<Razhal> The internet is a beautiful place....
<Razhal> Because no matter what kind of twisted freak you are, you've got a friend out there
<Razhal> You could ask the internet "Find people who have sex with goats on fire."
<Razhal> And internet will ask you, "What kind of goats?"

#52337 +(372)- [X]

* webby_g well chuffed now
<[smee]> lol
<[smee]> make me feel it, hurt me!
<DeuxVisage> guess this was the wrong time to walk in on a conversation
<DeuxVisage> take your bondage elsewhere
<[smee]> i like her when she plays her dominatrix role
<webby_g> who?
<[smee]> you!
<webby_g> omg
<webby_g> YOU THINK IM FEMALE?


#8443 +(242)- [X]

<sisko> did you castrate jason for hiding the pron?
<Kaff> no. that would defeat the purpose.
<sisko> suppose so.
<Kaff> i just shook my fist a lot and said "grr"
<sisko> haha. and I suppose he was utterly intimidated
<Kaff> like a good husband, he's suitably scared of me.
<Kaff> he's seen me naked.

#540021 +(1443)- [X]

t3hraven: Holy **** somethings burning outside my window
t3hraven: brb
t3hraven: o, nm
t3hraven: it was a cloud going by my window
t3hraven: thought it was smoke :/
BILLLL: Go outside much, raven?
t3hraven: no
BILLLL: cuz those cloud things can be pretty tricky
t3hraven: shut up


#706281 +(2172)- [X]

TriPod11: bush ain't THAT bad...he kinda knows what he's doin
idaredbeet08: Please, Monica Lewenski had more President in her than George Bush ever will.

#482717 +(2959)- [X]

<Moonpie> one time, in middle school, some people let some pigs onto the campus. They painted on the pigs "1", "2", and "4". The faculty spent weeks looking for the third one.

#8492 +(162)- [X]

<KKKBitch> im making jason take me out for dinner !!%^&*)
<KKKBitch> i have my speech ready for when he walks in the door and all.
<Bayls> KK - What's your speech?
<KKKBitch> "if you take me out for dinner, i won't give you any of my PMT s*** - the end"
<KKKBitch> i used to say "if you take me out for dinner, i'll suck your dick" but he soon found that i was lying.

#400668 +(1400)- [X]

<@Weedums> You know the rodeo?
<@Weedums> When your doing a chick from behind then you say something to freak them out
<@Weedums> like your sister bit me in bed last night
<@Weedums> and she tries to get away?
<@Weedums> And you see how long you can stay on?
<QuickSilver> D:
<@Weedums> Well... the best thing to say is...
<QuickSilver> hmmmm
<QuickSilver> ?
<@Weedums> "I have ****ing siphilis bitch"
<QuickSilver> hahaha
<@Weedums> But when she said
<@Weedums> "oh I already have that"
<@Weedums> The game changed pretty quickly.


#88389 +(-4)- [X]

<Born_In_East_LA_2> We should tell all the now free Iraqi people about how France wanted them to remain under Hussein's rule, so that way they'll raise their kids to hate France instead of us.
<uni> Yeah
<kuribo> yeah
<kuribo> but then the iraqi kids will go to france and confront them
<kuribo> and france will surrender
<kuribo> and then france will become new iraq

#606023 +(1603)- [X]

<+Radial> i think my mother knows i watch porn
<+Radial> i can't tell...
<Tsukari> Are you a male?
<+Radial> i am
<Tsukari> She knows.

[Garp]

#257382 +(1899)- [X]

<Berawler> Is there any sanity or light left in this shrivelled husk of a world?
<SingingDancingMoose> There was, but we had to trade it in for the internet.
<Berawler> That is quite possibly the best response to any question ever.


#434593 +(10727)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'