bash.org (NSFW and fairly offensive...mostly)

[Belmit]

Every now and again I take a look at bash.org and just generate a random page of quotes. Most aren't great but sometimes some make me laugh out loud - usually the very clever or the very offensive ones, and occasionally just the very childish or geeky ones. Over the past few weeks I saved a small selection of the ones where I had to stifle a laugh at work and just thought I'd pass them on to you. Feel free to post your favourites...


#760204 +(1017)- [X]

<thefwf> I just realised soemthing while watching spongebob with my mates
<thefwf> They were like "wtf, how come the food stays on the plate underwater"
<thefwf> and I was like
<thefwf> "WHY IS THERE A TALKING SPONGE LIVING IN A ****ING PINEAPPLE"


#759858 +(738)- [X]

<KaiserPanda> spiderman, spiderman, does whatever a spider can
<KaiserPanda> clings to walls, licks his balls
<KaiserPanda> but not at the same time or else he faaaaalls!


#759367 +(635)- [X]

Coff:We should bring rain ponchoes back. Problem Solved.
Cyg:New Problem: I don't want to look like a homeless wizard.


#765730 +(534)- [X]

<Cell>: i heard tupac was hung like a horse
<Kleptomaniac>: Tupac was shot, he wasn't hung. Read the news sometime.


#763307 +(513)- [X]

<j0e> when i want to download music i look up what the band thinks about filesharing
<j0e> if they're okay with it, i download the song
<j0e> if they're against it, i download the song out of spite
<UriGeller> what if they haven't said anything on filesharing
<j0e> that's what i call a tacit endorsement


#768122 +(874)- [X]

<dez> lol got some hot lesbian thinking im one
<g0dly1> heh, same, actually, just sent her a pic of my ex
<dez> .....
<dez> is your sceenname josihawt190?
<g0dly1> yes
<g0dly1> ****
<dez> oh ****
<g0dly1> we never speak of this to anyone
<dez> agreed


#42382 +(456)- [X]

<Supachikn> Demigoat, you and i are onthe same wavelength
<Supachikn> or at least frequency
<Demigoat> if you and I were ethernet cards attached to a hub our frames would never collide!
<Supachikn> if you and i were polarised light waves we'd be ****in lazer beams!
<Demigoat> Turtles, The - So Happy Together.mp3
<Demigoat> I <3 supa
<Supachikn> i less than three you too, demi


#75249 +(515)- [X]

<CyberMind> ive been programming and using computers since my old days in the womb.
<CyberMind> umbilical ethernet
<SR71Goku> how fast do you get on it?
<SR71Goku> I'd imagine at least 1gigabit/s
<CyberMind> actually quite slow.
<CyberMind> network was flooded with protein and nutrient packets.
<SR71Goku> LOL...
<SR71Goku> "Daddy once DoSed my connection..."
<CyberMind> ok im ending it right there.


#50701 +(189)- [X]

<|TripleH|> Ever been ****ing some 15-year-old homeless girl and the roofies wear off and she starts to wake up? Do you just keep going, or do you hit her with a toaster or something and try to knock her back out? I never know what to do.


#70565 +(526)- [X]

<wig> Seriously... .45k/sec it is a joke.. I could have just gone out and taken my own photos of children in this time


#230424 +(876)- [X]

<Gerard> Damn bitch **** damn.
<Tom> PG-13 Gerard
<Gerard> Dang gosh golly dang


#772439 +(83)- [X]

<heffalump75> so i was doing my food and tech exam, right..
<heffalump75> and for some reason they asked me to explain three different methods of cooking potatoes.
<heffalump75> I'd just recently watched LOTR as well.
<mmmBoris> Uh oh i can see where this is going
<heffalump75> In the first box i put "boil em," the second i put "mash em" and the third i put "stick em in a stew."
<heffalump75> And then on the side I drew a picture of Samwise Gamgee as best i could.
<heffalump75> I got a massive tick and full marks for that question.


#77029 +(590)- [X]

<Dj|Gallow> TUNE IN
<Dj|Gallow> GOD DAMN IT
<IntrepiD`GNR> Dj|Gallow: we have children present
<Dj|Gallow> sorry
<Dj|Gallow> TUNE THE **** IN KIDS


#434593 +(9184)- [X]

*** Topic in #doghouse is 'Our hearts are extended to the 17 victims of the recent internet fraud'
* Anubis has joined #doghouse
<Anubis> what fraud?
<Kadmium> You haven't heard about it?
<Anubis> no?
<Kadmium> You can read the full story at http://www.tubgirl.com
<Anubis> omg wtf!
*** Kadmium changes topic to 'Our hearts are extended to the 18 victims of the recent internet fraud'


#624106 +(802)- [X]

pi4arctan1guy: I cam home from grocery shopping and there wasn't enough room for all my food and I thought "This isn't fair! Most people never have to deal with the frustration of not being able to fit all their food in their refrigerators!" Then, I put my hands on my big white belly and laughed a very deep laugh, while my top hat bobbed up and down and my cane leaned against my stack of property deeds and hundred dollar bills.


#9101 +(382)- [X]

<Hiryuu> "War, the musical!"
<Ten> "With Sean Connery as Iraq!"


#21788 +(1890)- [X]

<niceboy19> i'm german
<Evilbert-> don't worry i won't mention the war
<niceboy19> what do you mean with that
<niceboy19> you just mentioned it
<Evilbert-> you started it
<niceboy19> i didn't
<Evilbert-> Yes you did! You invaded Poland!