Relationships, love, affairs and gumph

[volospian]

I'm happy (despite the best efforts of someone at my work )

[Desmo]

Originally Posted by Pheebs

I want to be swept off my feet and stay swept off my feet!! Am I a dreamer?!

A dreamer? No. But I would say there are VERY few people who find that type of relationship. Something that stays THAT fresh for many many years.

I can only go by our relationship, but we're happy. We've had plenty of ups and very few downs in our 6 years together, we just seem to work together and there's not really much effort involved in our relationship. As I said in my wedding speech, it just feels effortless and therefore right. Maybe that is a bad thing in some ways as we don't then have to work at "wooo'ing" each other all that often although at the moment there isn't much time for anything anyway

Do I believe in love at first sight? Nope. Do I believe that there is only one person out there for me on this planet? Nope. Do I think I've found someone who is the closest I'm ever likely to find as my perfect match? Yes. Maybe that doesn't sound too romantic (what can I say, I'm a bloke and it's not really my thing), but I believe that on the whole, Sinead is the most perfect woman I'm ever likely to come across for me.

So whilst no relationship will ever be 100% perfect...we still hold hands, we still do silly things, we still play fight, we still play argue, we're still the best of friends and we still tell each other "I love you"

[Pebs]

There comes a point when you crave the comfort and security of a steady, grown-up relationship. The thrill of a new relationship is addictive but it really does wear off.

People want different things, your settling is their contentment, your mundane is their security. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors other than the two people in the relationship

[Pheebs]

Do you know what I like about this thread... the happy people

You boys - you're big gayers! Lucky ladies and matches


I think for me... I'm a dreamer... Don't think that will change much. Just don't want to give in to something I don't feel happy 100% in. I can understand ups and downs and what. But people who are continuously unhappy... I don't understand that. And I never want that to happen to me.

Someone shove this thread under my face if I am ever to get married. It will either do one of two things - make me laugh at my self or make me call off the wedding!!

[volospian]

lol, I wasn't going to post this much, but nevermind...

Personally I think you just haven't met that person yet. I'm like Desmo in that I don't necessarily believe there is only one match for a person. There are lots, the problem lies in the fact that you must also be a match for them, so it halves your chances, so to speak.

It's funny, I once went out with a woman who I believed that I loved as much as anybody could love. I believed that I would walk through fire for her, and I would have. However, now I have met Sue, it's different. It's hard to explain the difference, but for Sue, the fire simply wouldn't exist... with the other girl I wouldn't think twice about it, now I wouldn't even think once about it, it would just be instinctive.

I now realise that what I felt before was the desire to love someone to distraction, rather than the kind of subconcious feeling of "right". It's like a jigsaw. Before, the fit between the two pieces looked correct, but only now I have a much bigger picture do I realise that it wasn't the right part in the right place.

Do you see what I mean? I think sometimes we feel we should be in love, so we pretent to ourselves that we are. Then you get the heartache when you realise that things aren't working out. You think "but this person is the love of my life..." and so on when, really, they probably aren't.

I think "the love of your life" is the person you, to paraphrase Desmo a bit, "just seem to work with". I think real "true love" is something that you barely even notice is there, because the feeling is instinctive, not reasoned. I also think that a lot of people go through life without even realising who they are really "in love" with.

Which brings me to lust. Beware of confusing love with lust. Lust is just an obsessive physical desire to "get it on" with someone and is not the same thing as love. I know a lot of people, especially when I was younger, who broke up and said "but I LOVE them, with all my heart..." and what they really meant was "but I want to **** them, with all my body..."

I fell into this trap once and spent about 3 months in a really stormy relationship with a girl. I couldn't get enough of her body, but when we weren't in bed, we argued... ferociously. When we split up I realised that I had never loved her, nor even really liked her in any way that should have ever got past a basic friendship, I just wanted to bang her like a loose gate in a gale (that is to say, loudly and repeatedly, all night long..).

I'm not saying that physical attraction is not an important part of a long term relationship, just that it's quite common for the person you have loved the most to be a different person from the one you have lusted after the most

[Matblack]

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

— Louis de Bernières

The next line (I just looked it up) is

"But sometimes the petals fall away and the roots have not entwined"

And this I suspect is true just as I firmly believe the first part is true, passion or lust can be the first part of a relationship but the ongoing partnership has to be more than that alone because despite what people tell you passion is important but partnership and mutual understanding and to a certain extend reliance are essential in my option.

We had this read at our wedding (we had already been together for quite a while), I firmly believe it is the case with Heather and I am it still makes me well up when I read it, especially the line "we found that we were one tree and not two"

MB

[Roberta]

After my marriage broke down I realised that things rarely last forever. Sometimes people grow up together, and sometimes they grow up apart. If you're lucky you'll grow in the same way and still fit years later, if not then it becomes uncomfortable.

I was with my kids father for 16 years. I'd always thought we'd be together for ever but we just grew apart. I still love him to death and he's my best friend but it just didn't work that way anymore. It was incredibly painful parting but it was the best thing for both of us. The future that I had built no longer existed.

When I got together with Paul my whole outlook had changed and I take every day as it comes. Yes we get on now, but I will never again think that 'this is it.' I am very much of the opinion that it works now but may not a few years down the line.

I'm perfectly happy with this outlook as it has made me a stronger person and far less likely to settle for something that doesn't make me truly happy.

If I end up an old lady in a house full of cats then I'm perfectly content with that. I have my friends and family and a relationship is just the icing on the cake.

[Desmo]

Originally Posted by Matblack

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don't blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being "in love" which any fool can do.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

You've quoted that before.....and I love it

[Kitten]

Originally Posted by Roberta

After my marriage broke down I realised that things rarely last forever. Sometimes people grow up together, and sometimes they grow up apart. If you're lucky you'll grow in the same way and still fit years later, if not then it becomes uncomfortable.

I was with my kids father for 16 years. I'd always thought we'd be together for ever but we just grew apart. I still love him to death and he's my best friend but it just didn't work that way anymore. It was incredibly painful parting but it was the best thing for both of us. The future that I had built no longer existed.

When I got together with Paul my whole outlook had changed and I take every day as it comes. Yes we get on now, but I will never again think that 'this is it.' I am very much of the opinion that it works now but may not a few years down the line.

I'm perfectly happy with this outlook as it has made me a stronger person and far less likely to settle for something that doesn't make me truly happy.

If I end up an old lady in a house full of cats then I'm perfectly content with that. I have my friends and family and a relationship is just the icing on the cake.

Pretty much my outlook too Enjoy it while it lasts. If it stays good, you're lucky. If it doesn't, let it go.

[Garp]

What happens in the first few months of a relationship, that honeymoon period, seems to me to be more lust than love. Love is what comes after, once you're able to see past the shining armor and see the flaws, and yet still find yourself in love with the person. Hollywood presents us this image of Love as fireworks going off on the first kiss, with a full orchestra playing dramatic stirring music and so on. It's "Fall in love, all your problems go away", or gives you the asinine notion that love is easy and straightforward. The reality is that love takes work. Like any fire it needs regular fueling and tending, by both parties for themselves and their partners.

I've had difficulty explaining this in the past, but I'll give it a shot here. Back in '03 I met a wonderful girl, beautiful, charming, sweet as can be, and I fell head-over-heals for her, and to my utter and ongoing amazement she thought I was awesome too. We were coming up on 2 years together when I started wondering about the relationship and our future, and I came to the realisation that I either needed to break up with her or marry her.. It took me a while to realise that whilst I thought the world of her (and still do), it wasn't love. I could so easily have gone down the wrong path there, and missed out on what I have now.

The first time I saw Kari I was leading worship at church. When you're doing that your mind is split in many directions, musically and spiritually. It's a juggling act.
Kari walked in and I suddenly found it hard not to stare in her direction. I don't think I screwed up too badly with the rest of the worship, but it made what is usually a tricky job even harder. There was an instant heart-stopping attraction that has remained with me since day one. There is little in this world that brings me even a fraction of the joy of seeing her smile. Do I believe in love at first sight? No. Attraction, yes, lust, certainly, but not love. The love grew later the more time I spent with her, e-mailed and so on, as I discovered that she wasn't only beautiful, but wonderful too.
At the same time I realised what depth I'd been missing in previous relationships. I'd be lying if I said we never disagree on things. Arguments are rare with us, but we don't always see eye to eye on everything, which is great. We're still learning each other's love languages, trying to understand them on an instinctive level. I know Kari likes little gifts and compliments... I'm good at the latter but the former not so much.
Every and any relationship requires on-going work, be it friendships, love, work or whatever. It just seems to me as I look around and see other relationships that falter and fail that more often than not (but not always) one or other (or both) people involved in the relationship just aren't working at it. *shrug*