Farting in public

[Darrin]

As I'm sure you all know, I work the overnights at the local Walmart restocking the shelves.

Well, of course we get our fair share of the local yobs coming in raising all sorts of hell on Friday and Saturday nights. They'll come in and think it's funny to rearrange the shelves a bit, possibly stick a CD or two in their pockets.

They normally hang in small bunches and make a bunch of noise just to be a PITA. Well, I've taken to eating at McDonald's on Friday and Saturday mornings. Ever since being in the navy my digestive system hasn't liked sausage. To the inkling that it produces large quantities of the most foul smelling gas you've ever had unleashed.

So when these young morons come in the store and start their crap, I just calmly stop what I'm doing, walk over right in amongst them and let fly with a raunchy one that I've been saving for several hours. They get all indignant and move somewhere else. At this point I walk back up to them and let fly with a little more of my gracious present to them.


After about the third or fourth session of treats like this they get the hint and leave. They're not the brightest souls around here...

My manager thinks it's the most disgusting thing I could do, but agrees that it is 100% effective and there is absolutely NOTHING the yobs can say about it. "Your honor, he farted on me!!" "Suck it up you little punk, it's a natural bodily function!!"

[Tak]

Originally Posted by Bigstan

Billy Connolly had the right approach for this one - simply announce in a very loud voice "Oh my God, my arse is incredibly itchy, I think I'll scratch it." and everybody will look away.

[Piggymon]

I fart at the gym

[Roberta]

My youngest, Beck, is the most noxious smelling thing on earth.

Yesterday was parents evening at Kai's school and as I was alone all 3 kids came with me. I was sat talking to a teacher when the most foul stench began to creep in. There was that moment when the teacher looked at both me and Kai trying to work out which one of us it was. I would like to point out that Beck was actually sat about 6 feet away behind us on a row of chairs. He was sat next to his poor sister who looked green and 3 chairs away from him was a woman and her son with their hands over their faces.

It would be lovely if I was exaggerating but I'm not.

[Jonny69]

My two most satisfying places for farting are in bed in the morning and standing at a urinal. If you start laughing after you've farted at th urinals, especially if it was a high quality noise, everybody else breaks down in laughter too. It's the one single thing that makes being British good - toilet humour.

[PvtPyle]

This thread is highly rewarding

[Desmo]

Originally Posted by BBelle

Farting is wrong - ask Desmo

BB x

Farting is oh so right.....you knows it.

[Belmit]

Originally Posted by Jonny69

If you start laughing after you've farted at th urinals, especially if it was a high quality noise, everybody else breaks down in laughter too.

You have to watch Stewart Lee's first stand-up DVD. He does a bit about how he was in a bar (in Spain I think) when the planes crashed into the twin towers, and how he goes to the bar's toilet with an Arabic gentleman and the fart he produces breaks down cultural barriers when they both laugh about it. There's a further punchline to the joke where he returns home to find rioting outside Mosques and tries to use the same methods to calm everyone...

[Jonny69]

Oh man have I got a dose of the gruffs today or what.

[HollyThirtyFive]

I guess normally if I'm walking a long a busy road I assume no one could hear it. But I have to be slightly weary if I have my headphones on otherwise it could be really loud and embarrassing without me knowing!

Im quite windy though so Ive got a good technique for silent ones!