bash.org (NSFW and fairly offensive...mostly)

[Stan_Lite]

Originally Posted by Flibster

Repost

Read post #9 - noob

[Daz]

I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

jap_gurli: stop, cmon be serious.
I.F.: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus about to charge your ass.

[Wellington]

yay they were all great, cheered my afternoon up

[Wossi]

#738918 +(1842)- [X]

<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<linforcer> no
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<linforcer> Sure
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
5) ??????
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!

[Belmit]

Superb!

[Wellington]

#834654 +(5079)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: Keith dodged a serious bullet thanks to his massive stupidity.
Opium: Hmm?
lemonlimeskull: Well, as you may know he lost his license months ago
lemonlimeskull: So he's been biking everywhere, which has lead to him losing a bunch of weight
lemonlimeskull: He bikes to Walmart today and as soon as he gets to the electronics department, realizes his wallet's fallen out, probably somewhere along the highway.
lemonlimeskull: So he takes the memory card he wanted, puts it up in his baggy sleeve, and goes to leave.
killjay: Uh oh
lemonlimeskull: Yeah.
lemonlimeskull: Naturally, security stops him as he gets within 5 feet of the front doors. This huge obese woman who is obviously having a really bad day - or just hates her job.
killjay: o ****
lemonlimeskull: She stops him, GRABS his arm, RIPS up his sleeve, and WRENCHES the card out of his hand.
lemonlimeskull: He knows he's screwed so he starts crying in the middle of the ****ing store. He cries all the way back to the security office, and everyone's staring at him the whole way.
Opium: So he's sitting in jail right now
lemonlimeskull: That's the awesome part. The manager takes a look at him, notices the bike helmet, poorly fitting clothes, lack of any ID whatsoever, and the fact that he's crying like a three year old.
killjay: .... -_-
lemonlimeskull: Yes. He was let go and the security woman got chewed out for hurting a "retarded kid".

[Chuckles]

Does this sound familiar PP?

<Wellhung> Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
<Sweetheart> I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
<Wellhung> I'm 6'3" and about 280 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
<Sweetheart> I want you.Would you like to screw me?
<Wellhung> OK
<Sweetheart> We're in my bedroom.There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
<Wellhung> I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
<Sweetheart> I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
<Wellhung> Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
<Sweetheart> I'm moaning softly.
<Wellhung> I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
<Sweetheart> I'm throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
<Wellhung> My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I'm sorry.
<Sweetheart> That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
<Wellhung> I'll pay for it.
<Sweetheart> Don't worry about it.I'm wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
<Wellhung> I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
<Sweetheart> I take your hand and kiss it softly.I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
<Wellhung> How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
<Sweetheart> I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
<Wellhung> I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
<Sweetheart> I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
<Wellhung> I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
<Sweetheart> What?
<Wellhung> I'm so sorry. Really.
<Sweetheart> I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
<Wellhung> I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
<Sweetheart> OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
<Wellhung> I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
<Sweetheart> I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
<Wellhung> I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.
<Sweetheart> What's the matter?
<Wellhung> I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
<Sweetheart> Are you OK?
<Wellhung> I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
<Sweetheart> Can I help?
<Wellhung> I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
<Sweetheart> In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
<Wellhung> I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
<Sweetheart> Come back to me, lover.
<Wellhung> I'm washing the cup now.
<Sweetheart> I'm on the bed arching for you.
<Wellhung> I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
<Sweetheart> Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
<Wellhung> I found it.
<Sweetheart> I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
<Wellhung> Me too.
<Sweetheart> Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
<Wellhung> Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
<Sweetheart> Why don't you take off your glasses?
<Wellhung> OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
<Sweetheart> I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
<Wellhung> I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
<Sweetheart> Hurry back, lover.
<Wellhung> I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
<Sweetheart> I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
<Wellhung> I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!
<Sweetheart> What's the matter now?
<Wellhung> I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
<Sweetheart> Mmm, yes. Come on.
<Wellhung> OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
<Sweetheart> Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
<Wellhung> I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
<Sweetheart> I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
<Wellhung> I'm flaccid.
<Sweetheart> What?
<Wellhung> I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
<Sweetheart> I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
<Wellhung> I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
<Sweetheart> No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
<Wellhung> No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
<Sweetheart> I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
<Wellhung> I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
<Sweetheart> Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
<Wellhung> Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

[Daz]

Bahahaha

[semi-pro waster]

That's genius, some people have way too much time and imagination.

[leowyatt]

#115 +(6248)- [X]
<BlackDeth> i like stalked this girl sorta
<BlackDeth> like once she asked me for a ride home from work
<BlackDeth> and i took her home... i dropped her off at her house
<BlackDeth> and shes like... wait a minute..how did you know where i lived?

#823214 +(6228)- [X]
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the ****ing **** out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he ****ing had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you ****ing killed McGuyver!

#764876 +(6149)- [X]
Curt teh Juggler: our graduation ceremony was today, and right when some gamer nerd got his diploma, someone in the audience played the zelda "get item" music and he did the zelda spin-hold-out-item stance
Curt teh Juggler: it was quite possibly the most amazing thing ever.

#492775 +(5778)- [X]

Egger: Heres the history of our medicine.
"I have a sore throat."
2000 BC : "eat this root"
1200 AD : "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1500 AD : "That prayer is superstition, drink this elixir."
1800 AD : "That elixir is snake oil, Take this pill."
1900 AD : "That pill is ineffective, Take this antibiotic."
2000 AD : "That antibiotic is artificial, Here why dont you eat this root."

#4780 +(5745)- [X]
<Thumb> do you know of any major organizations that are similar the CDC?
<Lucent> who?
<Thumb> center for disease control
<Lucent> i said WHO
<Thumb> what? i'm asking you
<Lucent> World Health Organization

#803904 +(5573)- [X]
<Kuiper> Well, it rained today, but as a whole it's been warmer than it was last week.
<kikuichimonji> Why does it seem like every time you join this channel, you end up talking about the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Is your life so unimaginably dull that you can't think of any events in your life to describe that might be more interesting than the weather?
<kikuichimonji> Let's think of something for you to talk about other than the weather.
<kikuichimonji> I mean, we barely even know anything about you, other than where you live.
<kikuichimonji> Let's start there. What do you do for a living?
<Kuiper> I'm a meteorologist.

#12318 +(5402)- [X]

* @Lan plays with his privates.
<Rintaun> ...
<@Lan> I got these new toy soldiers
<@Lan> They are really neat

#4488 +(5342)- [X]

<FM{FF1}> Rizen: I thought you didn't bang chicks, only me.
<FM{FF1}> ...men.
<FM{FF1}> GOD THAT WAS A BAD TYPO.