Viz Letters

NokkonWud · 21-06-2007, 16:03

Well we all like a good laugh, these were forwarded to me by my dad, so I've posted them here. I've had a quick scan and I don't *think* any of the language is too unsavoury. Anyway, if the Viz is up your street you'll like these:

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our
Jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited!
I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.

Charles Turner

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

T Potter

Iwouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless.

Mike Potts

Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up.

Christina Martin

Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that?

Mark J, Barnsley

AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss?
Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place.

Zak Cassidy, e-mail

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

Joe McKeown

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

Neil Palmer

ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, 'A Single Step' and 'Out On A Limb', or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity.

A Cherry, Leeds

PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days.
It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due.

T Harpic, London

THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how **** must the other people at the interview have been?

T Thorne, London

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

Stu Bray

THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.

Ashley Smith

I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes.
Wise move.

Martin Mannion

Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says.
Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

Colum Hill

Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?

P Lorimer, Leeds

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this?

Alun Daniel

My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what
he'll get up to next.

J Barratt, Nottingham

When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story.

Tommo, Hull

What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum?
My mum's 77. Beat that.
__________________________________________________ __________

Daz · 21-06-2007, 16:07

Some serious LOL's there

Highlights for me:

I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
&
so who's had the last laugh?

Stan_Lite · 21-06-2007, 16:10

Quote:

Originally Posted by Daz

so who's had the last laugh?

My faourite too

Some good ones there.

Stan

Belmit · 21-06-2007, 16:12

The plums one does it for me every time. Funny stuff!

Kell_ee001 · 21-06-2007, 16:23

Awesome stuff

Belmit · 21-06-2007, 16:24

More harvested from t'web:

The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.

Chris Stink

Why is it that pubs wont serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat ****ers? It's hardly fair.

Christina Martin

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.

Mrs Close, Headingley

'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.

Tracey Cusick, Cumbria

They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.

Mark Roberts

It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning.

Christopher Hampshire, Bristol

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods?

John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.

Mike Woods

With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the **** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.

Shuggie, Email

It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?

Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast

I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again.

Baz, Bondi

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour.

Chris Scaife, Jesmond

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars.

T Barnham, London

They say you can't trust anybody these days.
Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.

Steven Arthurs, Bristol

We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops.
Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations?

D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.

Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

Desmo · 21-06-2007, 16:27

Frickin' brilliant

Desmo · 21-06-2007, 16:31

Quote:

Originally Posted by Belmit

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.

L Palmer, London

With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.

Lo Chi Chang, Taipei

Roberta · 21-06-2007, 16:35

This was always one of my favourite pages in Viz!

NokkonWud · 21-06-2007, 16:41

Yeah, it was always top. Shame so much comedy is stopped now thanks to over PC'ing, good old Viz was always a guaranteed laugh though.

21-06-2007, 16:03	#1
NokkonWud BD Recruitment Officer Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Smogville Posts: 3,880	Viz Letters Well we all like a good laugh, these were forwarded to me by my dad, so I've posted them here. I've had a quick scan and I don't think any of the language is too unsavoury. Anyway, if the Viz is up your street you'll like these: I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our Jobs are moving to India. I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there. Well done Aviva, keep up the good work. Charles Turner What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight. T Potter Iwouldn't say boo to a goose. I'm not a coward, I just realise that it would be largely pointless. Mike Potts Why is it always people who say 'bring back hanging' who also say 'hanging's too good for them'? Make your right wing minds up. Christina Martin Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I shat the bed. What's healthy about that? Mark J, Barnsley AM I the only person who hasn't banged Kate Moss? Everyday the papers are full of stories from blokes claiming to have banged her. It's something I'm quite keen on doing and I was just wondering if there is some sort of queuing system in place. Zak Cassidy, e-mail TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. Joe McKeown I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo. Neil Palmer ACCORDING to the BBC website, Heather Mills has blamed the breakdown of her marriage to Sir Paul McCartney on 'constant intrusion' into the couple's private life. It seems a shame that Heather objects so much to the public taking an interest in her personal business. If only she had mentioned it in one of her two published autobiographies, 'A Single Step' and 'Out On A Limb', or the 'About Heather' section of her website www.heathermillsmccartney com, or perhaps when she sold her life story to the News of the World in 1993. Perhaps then the public would have got the message and left her to live her life out of the constant glare of publicity. A Cherry, Leeds PROFESSIONAL footballers have hit the headlines recently for indulging in gamesmanship - diving and playacting and so on. Well at least they are now limiting their disgraceful behaviour to the pitch these days. It wasn't so long ago that they were out beating up Pakistanis, dogging in car parks and gang raping women in hotel rooms. Let's give credit where credit is due. T Harpic, London THE THING that strikes me about the appointment of a paedophile to a teaching post is, how **** must the other people at the interview have been? T Thorne, London WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time. Stu Bray THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. Bollocks! I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible. Ashley Smith I could never understand why Brian McFadden dumped his huge-breasted wife Kerry Katona. But those Iceland adverts really opened my eyes. Wise move. Martin Mannion Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's minge. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Lorimer, Leeds My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel My neighbour is an odd fellow. He's got a wall around his garden that is completely covered in leaves! And every week in summer, he goes out and trims it with an enormous pair of scissors! I often wonder what he'll get up to next. J Barratt, Nottingham When I nipped into a McDonald's to use their toilets the other day, I was confronted by a spotty teenager mopping up vomit just by the lavatory. On the back of his T-shirt it said 'I'm Lovin' it!', but the poor sod's face told a different story. Tommo, Hull What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being the world's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that. __________________________________________________ __________ __________________

21-06-2007, 16:07	#2
Daz The Stig Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Swad! Posts: 10,713	Some serious LOL's there Highlights for me: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation. & so who's had the last laugh? __________________ apt-get moo

21-06-2007, 16:12	#4
Belmit The Mouse King of Denmark Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: The Winchester Posts: 6,476	The plums one does it for me every time. Funny stuff! __________________

21-06-2007, 16:23	#5
Kell_ee001 Wants Big Meat Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Newcastle Posts: 6,478	Awesome stuff __________________

21-06-2007, 16:24	#6
Belmit The Mouse King of Denmark Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: The Winchester Posts: 6,476	More harvested from t'web: The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight. Chris Stink Why is it that pubs wont serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat **ers? It's hardly fair. Christina Martin I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Headingley 'One pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania', says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards. Tracey Cusick, Cumbria They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School Anal that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents. Mark Roberts It's uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet this morning. Christopher Hampshire, Bristol The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the ** quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them. Shuggie, Email It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan? Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with Jenny. She is a great shag. Thanks again. Baz, Bondi Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London They say you can't trust anybody these days. Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping. Steven Arthurs, Bristol We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops. Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations? D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan. Lo Chi Chang, Taipei __________________

21-06-2007, 16:27	#7
Desmo The Last Airbender Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Pigmopad Posts: 11,915	Frickin' brilliant __________________

21-06-2007, 16:35	#9
Roberta Pole Model Join Date: Jul 2006 Posts: 5,986	This was always one of my favourite pages in Viz! __________________ I fell out of favour with Heaven somewhere, and I'm here for the hell of it now...

21-06-2007, 16:41	#10
NokkonWud BD Recruitment Officer Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Smogville Posts: 3,880	Yeah, it was always top. Shame so much comedy is stopped now thanks to over PC'ing, good old Viz was always a guaranteed laugh though. __________________