Job Description.

Darrin · 13-11-2007, 19:20

POSITION :
Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION : Parent

Long term, team players needed , for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

** AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!!

NOTE!!!!!! If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!

Kell_ee001 · 13-11-2007, 19:44

Dymetrie · 13-11-2007, 20:09

Young Wellington sent me an awesome one t'other day which I recount below

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wellington

Why Parents Drink

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialled the Employee's' home phone number and was greeted with a Child's' whisper.

'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

'Yes,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, 'No,'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mommy there?'

'Yes,'

'May I talk with her?'

Again the small voice whispered, 'No,'

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,’ Is anybody else there?'

'Yes,' whispered the child, 'a policeman'.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

'No, he's busy' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

'A helicopter' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, 'The search team just landed a helicopter,'

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

'ME!!'

Made me giggle

jmc41 · 14-11-2007, 00:14

Needed cheering up. Love it!

LeperousDust · 14-11-2007, 01:42

**** me, i know i'm a burden, and i think thats put me off doing anything silly for the next few years

It's beats the usual "be sensible"...

Feek · 14-11-2007, 15:37

I just forwarded the first one to a guy here who's about to become a parent for the first time. He cursed me soundly.

MarcLister · 14-11-2007, 21:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by Feek

I just forwarded the first one to a guy here who's about to become a parent for the first time. He cursed me soundly.

Haha.

13-11-2007, 19:20	#1
Darrin Dirteh Kitteh Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: Hiding out in Mormon Country Posts: 1,629	Job Description. POSITION : Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop JOB DESCRIPTION : Parent Long term, team players needed , for challenging permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required. RESPONSIBILITIES : The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility. POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION : None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. WAGES AND COMPENSATION : Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. BENEFITS : While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. AND A FOOTNOTE "THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- EVER!!! NOTE!!!!!! If it had been presented this way, I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!!** __________________ A bullet may have your name on it, but shrapnel is addressed "to whom it may concern".

13-11-2007, 19:44	#2
Kell_ee001 Wants Big Meat Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Newcastle Posts: 6,478	__________________

14-11-2007, 01:42	#5
LeperousDust Bananaman Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Liverpool/Edinburgh Posts: 4,817	**** me, i know i'm a burden, and i think thats put me off doing anything silly for the next few years It's beats the usual "be sensible"... __________________

14-11-2007, 15:37	#6
Feek ex SAS Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: JO01ou Posts: 10,062	I just forwarded the first one to a guy here who's about to become a parent for the first time. He cursed me soundly. __________________

14-11-2007, 00:14	#4
jmc41 Absinthe Join Date: Mar 2007 Posts: 1,070	Needed cheering up. Love it!